


Selfish

by Liminal_Rant



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, First Kiss, Imprinting, Love Triangles, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-07-12 14:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 70,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19947517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liminal_Rant/pseuds/Liminal_Rant
Summary: "People say love is selfless... but it's selfish first."On her seventh birthday, Jacob confesses to Renesmee the truth about the bond between them, insisting that it shouldn't change things for her because it isn't like that for him. It's not romantic, how could it be?But when vampires from the past reunite in celebration, the other half vampire, Nahuel, is among them, providing more intrigue for Renesmee than she expected him to. What follows is a dramatic escalation of accident and circumstance prompting an important question: Is it right to be selfish in love?





	1. Blood Cake

“I don’t really think it’s necessary for Nahuel to come for my birthday.”

I stared at the calendar which had been recently flipped to September. The calendar was such an important thing to my family; a token to remember that the world still turned as time held them still. For nearly seven years, time had dealt me enough change for all of them, but that was almost over. Supposedly.

Mom dipped her finger into a bowl of cake batter, cringing as she put the substance in her mouth.

“This is really detestable, Alice.” She muttered as my spikey haired aunt flitted around the kitchen.

“Five hundred and seventy-ninth time's the charm!” She chirped as the oven timer went off. She’d desperately been trying to make a recipe for a birthday cake that a vampire could stomach, but three drained elks later and the desert was still disgustingly human. I had stopped sampling the batter after the three-hundredth test.

“I don’t suppose it will matter when I say I don’t need a birthday cake.”

“Would you two stop trying to pull all of the fun out of this? This is the last meaningful birthday we might ever have.”

“Renesmee,” Mom sidetracked, ignoring her sister in-law. “Nahuel has very few people in his life that are like him, and both of them are his blood relatives. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want to see how you’re doing.”

By ‘like me’ she meant half human and half vampire. Over six years earlier, our family had been saved from the Volturi when Alice brought Nahuel and his aunt Huilen to testify that half vampires weren’t a threat to the vampire community, proving that I was not a unique monstrosity.

“What I mean is that I don’t see why half of the vampire world is coming.”

It wasn’t that anyone had been invited to my birthday as much as they remembered that it was coming up and were really curious to see if I really was going to stop aging. They were really curious about what had happened to the tiny thing that had inspired that union so many years ago. Not everyone was coming, but enough to make the wolves anxious.

I was excited, at least, to see Zafrina, my Amazonian friend who, similar to me, could make other people see things. Unlike me, however, she could make many people see whatever she wanted them to and I could only show someone what I was thinking if I touched them.

The Cullen coven was easy to find, not having left Forks, Washington in nearly a decade, save a few months when my vampire father had tried to leave my human mother to try to save her from his fate. I looked into her gold eyes, wondering about when they were brown, like mine. He had lied, then, when he said that his family needed to leave because they were starting to look older than their age. They hadn’t been there long.

Mom and Dad were only eighteen and seventeen but could pass for twenty five, which they did. Carlisle, our family leader, had been twenty three since the 1600’s and couldn’t have passed himself off as much older when the family had moved to the area, if they truly wanted to stay awhile. So he was in his thirties and could pass for it. I suspected we might make it another five years before people noticed.

I tried to tell my family that people’s first response to young faces isn’t ‘vampires’. People blame food, exercise, genetics, and stellar face creams. We could stay another ten years and the most anyone would probably be was jealous.

I didn’t have that problem. No, my problem was that I grew too fast, and that was something that people would notice. A forty year old who looks twenty-five? Weird. A seven year old who looks eighteen? Impossible.

This was going to be the first year I could, technically, go to school. Everyone wondered if it was worth it if we were going to move so soon anyway and if it wouldn’t be better to wait and see if I did age like Nahuel instead of aging into an early grave.

The only non-vampires who knew about me were my maternal grandpa, Charlie, and the wolves. Charlie didn’t like what he saw in my growth spurts, but it wasn’t the weirdest thing he’d seen. The weirdest was probably when Jacob phased into a wolf in front of him in a stupid attempt to keep the family together.  
It worked.

Charlie and Jacob were why we had stayed and the rest of Forks was why we couldn’t.

“More bloodsuckers?” I heard a rough voice over my shoulder. “Sam’s going to hate this.”

“The party is only one night. We’ll only have three guests after that.” Alice’s voice was like wind chimes but so, I was told, was mine.

I turned to see Jacob standing there with a bright smile.

“When are you going to learn to wear a shirt, dog?” I teased.

“Who’s looking, Monster?”

I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t sure if my moniker had come from my Loch Ness nickname or from the fact that I was half bloodsucker.

“What do you mean ‘three guests’?” Jake started.

“Nahuel, Huilen, and Zafrina are going to hang around a few days.” Alice said. “Don’t worry. They won’t hunt in the area.”

“I don’t like the idea of them hunting at all.”

He slumped over me, his tall frame digging into my shoulders where I sat. He kissed the top of my head paternally. It had seemed, as I was growing up, that Jacob had been around almost as much as my parents had, the most devoted uncle in the world. My favorite uncle. He had been my mom’s best friend before I was born, or so I had been told, although there didn’t seem to be much there now. At least, I was closer to him than she was.

I patted his arm, agreeing silently.

“Are you still on about that disgusting cake?”

“You all are going to love it. I’ve seen it. So shut up.”

“Nahuel… Zafrina… are those names I should know?”

“Nahuel is the other half vampire. From the day with the Volturi. Remember?”

Jacob was still.

I turned to look at his face, which was frozen. It slowly turned into a sarcastic snarl.

“That century and a half old twerp?” Jake scoffed. “What does he want?”

Despite echoing my sentiment, I wasn’t familiar with the tone. Where I was baffled he seemed… irritated.

I looked to the doorway where I had sensed my dad walk in. He was starting to look young to me. Maybe that was how everyone viewed their parents as they aged, but here, my parents were physically my peers. It made me uncomfortable. Dad had a smug grin tugging the corner of his mouth up.

“I’m not taking sides.” He raised his hands, answering thoughts I couldn’t hear.

Jacob growled, so softly that no human ear would have heard, more like the purring of a cat, but irritated.

“You ready to go?” Jacob ruffled my hair.

“Yeah, sure.”


	2. The Clearwaters'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renesmee and Jacob have dinner with Charlie and the Clearwaters

“On your birthday… can I steal you for a while?”

Jacob and I walked through the forest, the way others might take a drive, but we were more ourselves here.

“You can steal me anytime you want.”

“Is that a promise?” he chuckled darkly.

“Why? You’re not giving me a present, are you?”

“You and your mom with the presents… can’t I just do something nice every once in a while?”

I smiled and focused on stepping just hard enough for the leaves to crunch under my feet.

The two of us were walking from the Cullen house to La Push to have dinner with the Clearwaters and Charlie, just as the we did every Tuesday.

“Jake… why do you hang out with me?”

I looked to where he walked next to me. Despite how much I had grown, he still towered over me and probably always would. He and I were two almost humans in a very inhuman world.

“What kind of question is that?”

“Well… you were best friends with my mom, right? But you don’t hang out with her, you hang out with me. I feel like my birthday is going to officially let you off of babysitting duty but, if we’re being honest, you’ve been off of babysitting duty for a long time. They’re more your age than I am.”

Suddenly, my words reverberated through me, feeling more honest out loud. Sure, my body was mature, but I was seven. Seven. I knew I wasn’t seven, but I was. I was. And Jake had been there all seven years, watching me grow, knowing me for every dumb kid thing I ever did. I wondered if he had changed my diapers and shuddered at the thought.

I was so lost in thought I almost didn’t realize the time it took him to respond.

He took to laughing so easily I could have almost missed the intensity of his expression a moment earlier.

“Oh? What about me? You spend your time chilling with an overgrown mutt!”

He was laughing but I couldn’t feel it, myself. I hadn’t meant much by the question when it had started leaving my mouth but now there was a disgusting after taste.

“You gonna hunt today?” Jake asked.

“Nah, I think I’ll take a try at Alice’s cake.”

There it was again. Aunt Alice. Aunt Alice. I had accidentally called both grandpas by their first names at some point in the past month and was dropping the Aunts and Uncles from their respective people almost constantly. I wondered if I was ever going to start calling my parents ‘Bella’ and ‘Edward’.

“For your health, I’m almost begging that you hunt.”

“I’ll have you know I’ve been maintaining a steady diet of vegetables and fruit.”

“Wait, are you kidding?”

“Well, I thought I’d give being a real vegetarian a try. Maybe I’ll go vegan.”

“I’m all for not drinking blood but I don’t know about going that far.”

I shrugged.

Jacob was frowning.

“I can do what I want. I’m practically an adult.”

“You’re seven years old.”

There was a silence that grew rancid between us.

“I guess I am.”

It was difficult for me to imagine the laborious time it took normal humans to get anywhere when the leisurely stroll that we took to cover the distance took only a couple of hours.

I understood the invisible barrier between Forks and La Push, a barrier that my family could not cross because they were full vampires but I could because I was only half. The Cullens had lived in Forks before, many, many years before. They had encountered the wolves who were sworn to destroy them, who they saw to be an enemy. Carlisle, my grandfather and the head of our coven, helped them to understand that they were different, that they didn’t harm humans. Then he and the rest of the coven made a pact with the Quileute Chief and the pack alpha that they would never be harmed as long as they never harmed or transformed a human and if they never came on their land.

I crossed over.

That Chief had been Jacob's great grandfather, meaning that Jacob was now the chief of his pack.

We approached the small home where Sue Clearwater lived with her two grown kids, Seth and Leah, who might have moved on and away from home if they weren’t so tied to Jacob. Seth and Leah were both wolves in his pack.

I liked Leah.

She still wasn’t a big fan of me, but she didn’t hate me. I never could get close enough to her to use my gift, but I wasn’t sure if it would make a difference.

Seth was so much like Jacob; tall and athletic with charming wit and sarcasm and a heart of gold. I thought to myself that Seth was like the big brother I never had and had to remind myself that Jacob was the brother I always had.

The Clearwaters were family.

Charlie and Sue were happy, even if they weren’t married. I wasn’t sure if it was like that between them; no one did. Simply, they were always together and always seemed happy. Before I was born, Harry Clearwater had a heart attack on the same day my mother jumped off of a cliff, leaving Sue a widow.

Jacob and I went there for our weekly dinner at the Clearwaters’ with Leah, Seth, Sue, and Charlie. Sue was almost like a maternal grandmother, since Renee wasn’t supposed to know about me yet. Mom had said that her mother would love me, so, so much, but that she wouldn’t understand my unique nature as well as those already involved.

I wondered how that would change now.

Sue was frying up fish and I ate it, leaving Jacob to wonder at whether my human vegetarianism was a bluff or simply behind me.

“Your mom says we’re having a birthday party for you this weekend.”

If Charlie had not seen me at least once a week my whole time growing up, he might not have come to terms with me being the same dimpled toddler he first met only years before. As it was, every time he saw me he simply commented that I ‘got bigger and bigger’. Charlie didn’t ask questions so if mom said it was my birthday party, it must be.

Sue smiled.

“I’ve already got your present.”

Sue was probably chill with my odd growth because her two kids were werewolves so we were only neck and neck in freakiness. She calmed Charlie anytime he thought too hard.

“Ah, we’re having…” I looked to Jacob for help. I couldn’t imagine having Charlie, Sue, Nahuel, and Zafrina in the same room. Red eyes filled my head.

“…two parties.” He answered my question by finishing my sentence. “The Cullens are having some out of town friends coming in Saturday but we’re doing a double party for you and Bella on Friday.”

I smiled in relief. Sue looked skeptical.

“How old are we saying you are?” Seth asked what everyone was thinking but ignoring.

“Seventeen.” I had always been most blunt about my condition. “I might be seventeen for a while.”

“Eighteen.”

I looked hard at Jacob, almost confused. If I told people I was eighteen I couldn’t pass for a junior as easily. I had even thought about posing as sixteen so I could go even longer in high school. Seventeen was the age my parents were when they met. Eighteen seemed too old.

“She’s turning eighteen this year.”

I shot him a look that said ‘We’ll talk about this later’. Jacob didn’t have the power to read my mind like my father did, but he had been shown my thoughts often enough that he knew how to read my face.  
Charlie grumbled a bit and Sue patted his arm.

Telling Charlie the whole truth was out of the question, but even though he hadn’t been told very much, there were things he had put together even though they were impossible. I had the eyes of my human mother, his only daughter. I had too much of my father in my features and in the copper of my hair. I was their child. I shouldn’t be, but as simple as Charlie wanted his life to be, he wasn’t blind.

What Charlie didn’t know was what my father’s family was. Vampires. And if he was lucky, he never would.

“Alice is trying to make a cake and it’s terrible.” I changed the topic. “But that one is for Saturday. Mom is making the cake for Friday, so don’t worry.”

I could call Bella my mom to Charlie. He didn’t have to think about what it meant to know she took care of me, adopted, biological, or otherwise.

“That’s good. Knowing Alice, she’ll have gone overboard again. I’ll be just fine not having to pick through seven layers of fondant. Maybe I’ll bring those cupcakes you like.”

I smiled. Charlie had brought cupcakes from an obscure bakery for Mom’s birthday three years before and I loved them so much I ate the whole box. Ever since, Charlie had gotten them for any special occasion, just for me. He’d never know how particular they really were to me, being one of the few human foods I really cared for.

“I’d really like that.”

“Jacob, you should get Renesmee back to the Cullens before it gets too late. She’s already yawning.” Sue said just as I was mid yawn.

“Am not.”

“We’ll see you in a couple of days. Go get some sleep. Love you.” She kissed the top of my head.

Charlie came over to give me a tight squeeze. I never took it for granted, my whole life knowing that I’d have to leave him behind some day.

Sue knew that Jake and I walked back from the reservation but Charlie didn’t so we walked towards the Black house where he thought Jake had his car parked.

“Are you going to make it back alright?” Jacob teased as another yawn distorted my face. It wasn’t fair that I needed sleep when the rest of my family did not. I had noticed that I didn’t sleep now as much as I used to.

“I’m fine. I’ve been trying to stay up longer. I wonder if one day I won’t have to sleep anymore.”

Jake frowned.

“I wish you wouldn’t try to force yourself into being more human or more…” he still didn’t like the word vampire, after all of these years. He shook his head. “Just be you.”

“I just don’t want to lose time to sleep if I don’t have to.”

“Usually you’d be asleep by now. It’s more often than not that I’m carrying you back, passed out over my shoulder.”

“I’m not little anymore.” I fussed. “I can make it home.”

“I know.”

There was an expression plaguing his face that I didn’t understand.

Maybe I was tired, but I wasn’t going to admit it.

My birthday was on Wednesday, but Charlie didn’t know that. Only the people who had been there for my horrific birth knew the specifics of me coming into the world… the day when I had killed my mother, forcing my dad to turn her into one of us.

Mom’s birthday was on Friday and she was turning what would have been twenty six if she was still human. We celebrated our birthdays together. There was some excuse about why we ‘didn’t know’ mine or didn’t celebrate it, to make things simpler and, instead, had a joint party every year. Mom didn’t like being celebrated so she had put a lot of effort into helping me get the brunt of the attention.


	3. The Day I Was Born

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On Renesmee's birthday, the family allows Jacob to take her out alone

Wednesday morning I blinked a lot as bright rays of sun poured into the large window that was one wall of my bedroom. I smiled painfully.

I had two rooms. One was in the small cottage that the family had built for my parents, where we lived just the three of us, not too far from the main house. Sometimes my parents got too amorous so I took over the room in the Cullen family home that had been my father’s. Before I had time to complain about the horrid gold décor it was changed up exactly how I would have wanted, a blessing and curse of having a father who could read my every thought.

“Do I get my present today or this weekend?” I spoke, still lying down with my forearm resting on my forehead.

My door opened slowly from where I heard Jake about to knock.

“Someone ought to celebrate the day you came into the world.”

I looked over, not moving.

“I’m sure there will be a fuss just like every other year. You’d think I was the only person who was ever born.”

“Well you might not remember it but I guarantee you no one else came into the world like that.”

I groaned softly, sliding my forearm from my forehead to cover my eyes.

“I remember… a little. I don’t know how humans forget. Sometimes I wish I could.”

My first memory. I wasn’t sure if it stuck around because I was half vampire or if I just replayed it so much in my mind in my formative years. Bella Swan, eighteen, horrifically broken.

‘Renesmee… So beautiful.’ She had said just before dying. I was seconds born.

I wondered how long I had been alive. Born with intelligent eyes and a full set of teeth. How old was I then, seconds into the world, already a killer? How old was I now?  
_How old was I now?_

“Hey, hey.” Jake sat on the side of my bed and pulled my arm away from my face. I had never gotten under the blankets, lying with the bed undisturbed as if I had only just laid down.

“Everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to. There is not a person on Earth who wishes you weren’t born. Just accept that people love you and want to celebrate you. Okay?”

“You know it’s different this year, though.” I closed my eyes. I knew exactly where he was, all of him. My senses were so attuned I would know if a fly landed across the room. I didn’t need my eyes.  
We were quiet.

“Do I get my present today or this weekend?” I sprang up with distracted energy, flitting too quickly to my wardrobe, not bothering to look at Jacob.

“You know Alice will have picked out your outfit already.”

“Today or this weekend?”

He took so long to respond that I stopped pretending to look for clothes.

“I’m kidding. You didn’t actually have to get me anything.”

He sighed.

“I thought it was going to be easier than this.” Jake muttered, barely looking at me, distracted.

“Okay, really you didn’t need to get me anything.”

“You’re not getting off that easy.” Jake smiled, smug grin replacing his distraction. “I asked if I could steal you later and you said I could steal you anytime I want.”

“Maybe not anytime, but yeah. Are we going somewhere?”

“Yeah. I want to take you somewhere.”

“Sure. As long as mom and dad are cool with it.”

I didn’t normally ask my parent’s permission to do things, especially with Jake, because the vampire rules and my very nature lent to such restrictions that there wasn’t much trouble I could get into. They trusted Jake to babysit me for as long as I could remember.

That said, it was my birthday and my family tended to go a tad overboard.

“Don’t worry.” He scoffed. “I cleared it.”

Speaking of my family… no one had come to find me yet. I was almost disappointed.

Normally Alice would have decorated my room while I slept, Mom would come in and kiss my forehead awake and wish me a Happy Birthday first. Vampire birthdays didn’t mean much but the family had always gone a bit overboard trying to give me the best human birthday parties any kid ever had.

They knew they only had so much time for me to be a kid.

Maybe this was my first vampire birthday.

There was some odd cloud in my head as if there was a puzzle to piece together, but I decided I was being silly.

Something how, as I got older, everyone seemed to be distancing themselves from me… everyone but Jake.

It seemed…

Just like that my mother was by my side, faster than seemed possible. She kissed my head like she did every year.

“Happy Birthday!”

Happy Death Day I wanted to reply.

“Thanks, Mom.”

Jake watched as she squeezed me against herself.

“It seems like just yesterday-!”

She stopped and held me away, seeming almost worried for a moment.

“I don’t know any different.” I reassured her.

She gave a tight smile.

I knew how it was. We were pretty sure from what we knew of half vampires and what Alice could see that I was going to stay like this for a very long time… if not forever. Mom worried sometimes that she’d remind me of the human life I couldn’t have… ironically the same concerns my father had about her turning into a vampire.

“Jake, I think you should take her now. Alice is still trying to see around you and you know how she gets about her party plans. It’ll give us more time to set up.”

I was still in my mother’s arms, but she loosened up so that I was more by her side as she turned me to face him.

There were a few things I did not understand about my mother’s statement.

Jake was around all the time. Although it was true that Alice hated when she couldn’t see things, she never had been able to see me or Jacob. It wasn’t even a statement that made sense. The only thing I did know was that my mother was a terrible liar.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

It’s said that the gifts that vampires can have derive from something they were already good at in their human life.

Despite being only half vampire, I was born with the ability to show anyone what I wanted to tell them just by touching them. Any memory I had or anything I might have said with words was perfectly translated to that person’s mind. It had even worked against my mother’s shield before she had learned how to push it away from herself.

I was luckier than most for having any ability at all, but something always left me unsatisfied, as if there was more to it than that. Thinking that way always made me feel greedy.  
A gift like mine was only useful if I wanted people in my mind.

Not today.

I followed Jacob deeper into the woods, there being nothing particular about where we were walking or providing revelation or context. He didn’t speak.

“You know that I know that something’s up.”

I stopped walking, folding my arms and talking to his back where he was ahead of me.

“Are we going to walk forever or what?”

Indeed, the time had passed enough that the shadows had shifted from the west of the trees to the east. This was a lure or a distraction and I was sure that my birthday was the occasion but it was still senseless. Whatever was going on, everyone was clearly in on it, seeing as the celebration of my actual birthday had fallen aside for this.

He turned to look at me, fifteen feet away.

“Are you going to talk to me?”

He was silent. I restrained myself from growling.

“I wanted to kill you, you know.” His face was flat.

What?

“Damn, that wasn’t the right way to start. I was trying to think… where it start-… I’m not good at this.” Jacob was talking circles around himself.

“What did I do?”

Was this why he wasn’t speaking to me? He had never said anything so harsh to me, ever.

“Seven years ago, you were born.” His words were practiced. “And I loved your mom more than anything in the world. And you killed her.

“The moment she died, every feeling I had that tied me to her left. I didn’t care anymore. There was nothing left to care about.

“All of that passion redirected and it was leading me to you. Monster. Killer. Abomination.

“I was going to get my revenge. I was going to kill you.”

I had never heard this story. I had never heard _this_ version of this story.

Frantically, I tried to put the puzzle together in my head before Jacob could spell it out for me. He had brought up my worst memory, my deepest trauma, and now he was throwing it in my face, telling me how I had hurt him by being born. I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to be a monster.

“But then… I… I couldn’t.”

Jacob’s face hadn’t changed at all. He hadn’t gone from fury to not furious. The pull of his voice, the passion… it wasn’t anger.

“It was never Bella. It was always you.”

I didn’t want to break his rehearsed energy with my dumb voice, but the question slipped.

“Huh?”

Jacob looked at me with an expression that proved he did not understand how he had not explained himself.

“What was me?”

It was coming. These were the words. He looked like exactly what it would be before the drop of a roller coaster. No going back. I could see it on his face. Anticipation. Reluctance.

“I didn’t just love your mom as a best friend. I was _in_ love with her.”

My heart dropped.

What?

In my head, having seen her with dad all of these years, watching Jacob’s indifference, and what I knew of everyone, I could not believe this.

“I was in serious competition with your dad. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I really did. I tried to convince her to be with me, not him, that I was better for her in every way and that we were meant to be together.”

An acidic taste coated my tongue like rancid blood.

“Why has this never come up before? Why are you bringing it up now?”

My head was spinning. Lost.

_Why now?_ Today was my birthday. _Which birthday?_ I’d be fully grown now. I’m fully mature. _Why wait until I was mature enough to tell me this?_

What did mom have to do with me? She was alive! Why did he stop fighting? If he gave up when she died, was he trying to tell me the soul that he was in love with was gone? That my mother had no soul? Was he telling me that _I_ had no soul?

Everyone was in on it and they needed Jacob to break to me this rite of passage?

Suddenly, my face was in his hands. Jacob had closed the distance while my head was reeling and pulled my gaze to his.

“Renesmee. It wasn’t your mom I loved. It was _you_.”


	4. Love Like Love

_“Renesmee. It wasn’t your mom I loved. It was you.”_

Something hooked into my chest but I still didn’t understand.

I couldn’t speak.

I placed my hands on either side of his face and closed my eyes.

Blood.

The scent of mom covered in her own blood. Being pulled close. Those last words.

Being pulled away. Hearing her heart stop. Being handed to Rosalie.

The memories were faded and I wasn’t sure how right they were, but they had never left me.

Jacob.

Seeing Jacob.

That was the first thing I ever saw that I wasn’t confused about.

Then I thought of her and Jacob. I imagined what she looked like human, still beautiful but less pale, less sharp. I pictured them together abstractly and felt what was almost a push back to me.

No.

Something throbbed around my thoughts and I let it change.

Jacob.

Leaning it.

It was my mom’s face. Human. Different than what I pictured but more real. It was like I was Jacob but third person. He leaned down and kissed her. Hard.

_Augh…_

Even still…

I felt Jacob struggle a little under my fingers but I held him with newfound purpose, wondering at this new image and wondering if I was seeing it in my mind or in his.

He let her go. And then mom punched him right in the face.

I let go.

“Ow.” Jacob complained, stumbling back. He looked embarrassed. The pain was just mental.

“Did I just imagine that?”

“No, I did.”

“Yes!” I spun around, punching the air enthusiastically. I’d never received a memory before!

I was on such a high I almost forgot what I had just witnessed.

“Did that really happen?” My voice was alight with this newfound knowledge.

“It was a long time ago.”

I didn’t like this feeling. I’d never had it before; not like this. Jealousy. Sure, in bits and spurts, but not like this. Not like knowing Jacob had kissed my mom.

“Before my dad?”

“Well, no. Kind of during.”

“That’s why she punched you.”

“That’s… yep. That would be why she punched me.”

“You deserved it.” I growled. I turned to stomp away.

“Hey, where are you going?”

Jacob kept a quick pace to keep up with me.

“I don’t know. I need to process this.”

It wasn’t my business to process anything. This was between him and her and he hadn’t even told me about the kiss… maybe. Maybe he had… telepathically. I don’t know!

“I’m never going to forgive myself if I don’t at least tell you what I came out here to tell you.”

I stopped, counting sentences, trying to find ones I glossed over, missed, didn’t address. Had I been distracted?

Jacob took my hand.

“When your mom died, I stopped caring because the part of her that I loved was taken away. I thought it was because she had died that she wasn’t my Bella anymore. She was never my Bella. No, she and your dad were made for each other.

“The part I loved that had been taken out was you.”

I blinked a few times.

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Why did he keep saying that in context with being in love with my mom? What did he mean about not loving her?

“Now what I’m trying to say is that you don’t hate my mom. You love her too, I think. So that makes no sense. She’s not dead. Well, she’s not _dead_. Not _dead_ dead. Living dead. Whatever.  
“So you’re trying to say that you loved her because… like I’m like her how she was when she was human and I was her humanity incarnate when she had physically died and so you loved that aspect of her, her humanity?”

“How…” He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “How do you manage to make everything more complicated?”

He took my hands in his in a way that wasn’t uncomfortable.

“I’m a wolf. You know that.”

“Yes.”

“Part of being a wolf is having the ability to imprint.

“Imprinting… it means that when you find a person… a specific person… when you find your person, the whole world shifts for you. Your tie to this person is greater than anything, greater than gravity,” Jacob put my right hand on his chest, over his heart. “Greater than my life.

“I would… do anything for you, Renesmee.”

My body went hot in my blood like a fever, my heart stuttering.

“What are you saying?” My voice came out as barely a whisper.

“I love you. I always have and I always will. Forever.”

I wanted to rip my hands away but I was frozen, burning, confused.

“I went in, that day, prepared to throw my life away for the fire in me. I was drawn to you like I had never been drawn to anything, ever, in my life. I thought that there was nothing I needed more than killing you.

“Then you looked at me and it changed. Everything was gone and it was just you. In that moment I knew as much as I know now that you are my world. I will always be whatever you need me to be. I’m already yours.”

I finally loosened my hands a little and put a few more inches of space between us.

“The way you’re talking…I was a baby… I was nothing.”

“Don’t you see?” Jake was getting carried away now, on his own high, spouting words I could only guess how long he’d been holding in. “It was always meant to be this way. I was never really in love with your mom. You were a part of her then and some part of me knew- Where are you going?”

I started pacing again.

“Hold on, hold on, hold on. You think you kissed my mom because you were in love with her because some part of you knew that one day, one of the eggs in her ovaries was going to get—with my dad! Oh, I don’t want to even think-!

“But you weren’t in love with my dad, just my mom! The egg doesn’t even determine the gender! Half the person isn’t even there yet!

“And I was a baby!

“If you wanted this to be normalized I don’t understand why you waited this…”

It clicked.

I was mature now.

Jacob loved me.

Jacob wanted me to be eighteen and not seventeen.

Jacob was in love with me.

He wanted me to be legal.

I looked at him in desperation as hot tears fell down my cheeks. I don’t know how long I didn’t blink. He knew. He knew I knew.

Jacob closed the distance between us again. Maybe he’d misread my tears, for now my hands were in his again. No, he’d never misunderstood me once in my life.

I thought of all of childish things he had done with me, every year watching me grow a little more, waiting. He was waiting for this. I pictured myself small and I was embarrassed that he was with me when I was so…

I didn’t want this. Not like this. I’d never had a romantic thought in my skull. I never thought to want anything like what he was offering. What was he offering?

“Why today, Jacob?”

I knew. He knew I knew. I wanted to hear it out loud.

“I didn’t want you to grow up thinking about it. This… thing…It doesn’t hold you the same way it holds me. You have a choice. I didn’t want you to grow up thinking you were born for me.

“That’s over now. You need to know what your choices are.

“Nothing has to change. No one is expecting you to love me. Even so, I wasn’t going to go one day I didn’t have to without you knowing. Every time I ever said I loved you, you never knew exactly what I meant. No one who’s never imprinted could possibly know how impossibly I’m tied to you. I’m going to love you better than any other man ever possibly could. I’ll never want anything but you. You needed to know.”

I was glad we were so far into nowhere, for my emotions needed at least so much space.

“Does… does everyone else know?”

“Yeah.”

The whole puzzle was together now. I knew why Jacob stayed around our family despite being designed to kill vampires. I knew why my age mattered. I knew why everyone knew that he was taking me here on this day, specifically.

The truth was that I had always loved Jacob more than anyone, but the feeling filled me with sadness now. I wanted to touch his face and show him how much I wanted this love, for him to love me and for me to love him.

I wondered what it would be like… I wondered if he wanted to kiss me.

It wasn’t… like… that.

Everything felt too natural, too planned, and I wondered if I did have any choice.

He had played with toys with me. He had helped me get baths when the rest of the family was hunting. He had watched over me since I was so small. Did he know that this was where it would end?

“Show me what you’re thinking?”

I shook my head lightly.

In my most stubborn adolescence I had never denied him my thoughts. Now, I was scared of not knowing myself. I was scared that he might read something that I didn’t know was there before I knew I knew it. I was scared that I did know and was denying it.

Maybe I was scared of what I might see again.

I ignored his request but held my hand up to his face, holding back but hoping I’d get something again, anything.

Nothing.

I growled in frustration and I knew how it sounded. Feral. Violent. Like a vampire.

He didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t know what to do.

Because both of us knew that the way to find ourselves was with each other.

I liked when I thought that bond was a natural result of how we were.

“Let’s go home.”


	5. Selfish

I couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted to be alone. I had never really been alone in my whole life, everyone savoring every moment of the precious few we had of my childhood. I had been loved past the point of distraction. I never needed to be alone.

Now I felt betrayed.

“How did it go?” I heard Emmett boom as I walked into the main house. I stormed up the stairs.

“That well?” I heard him ask Jacob outside of polite hearing.

I wanted to see it again. Through the burn there was only one thing that I could think. I wanted to see that Jacob again, the one in my head. I wanted to cut it in the membrane of the thought coming into my head, right where I knew it was him but before I saw my mom’s face.

I hated it.

I wanted to throw things.

I wanted to think it all up on my own. I wanted it how it was. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know about this freaky bond.

I wish I had thought about Jacob like that. I wish I could have. He’d been an adult my whole life.

There was nothing for me.

There was no one ‘my age’, no one else that wasn’t an adult for as long as I’d known them. Anyone human who was the age I appeared to be was still a decade older than me. I was a freak, singled out for this age and today… today was like getting turned. I was more vampire than human now, un aging and frozen.

And Jacob… he’d stay exactly as he was as long as vampires were around.

That didn’t seem right. He was too human. That legend must be a lie. He’d get old. He wasn’t like me. Imprinting aside… it shouldn’t have been me.

Was I old enough?

I looked at my hand. Long fingers on pale skin. They were the hands of a woman. I looked at my ring finger.

I shuddered and screamed into a pillow.

“She’s taking it well.” I heard someone say, voice muffled through the walls.

“What do you expect?”

Dad must have been listening to my thoughts because almost as soon as I thought about wanting Mom she was beside me. She must have been on standby.

“You and Jacob, huh?” I muttered behind my pillow.

She pulled the pillow away and I saw her concerned expression. She didn’t look like a mom. She looked like me. Young, As if my best friend had come to comfort me.

“What did you two talk about?”

“Oh. Haven’t you heard? Jacob imprinted on me.”

To my surprise she laughed.

“Why are you laughing?”

She smoothed my hair against my head and kissed it.

“Yes, we know.”

“And you let him do that?”

She kept laughing.

“I almost killed him.” She smiled. “It took me awhile to transform and that whole time he was there while I was turning into a vampire. By the time I woke up everyone had just accepted it.  
“Rosalie, you know, adores you. And when you started crying, Jacob freaked out and _Rosalie_ was reassuring _him_ that you were okay.

“He barely let me hold you, he was so worried I was going to eat you.

“I put it together myself. Oh, I was furious.

“I did okay until he called you Nessie…”

She smiled at the memory and then her face twisted a little.

“Accidentally broke Seth’s shoulder and collarbone. Not my best moment.”

Mom kept patting my head reassuringly.

“I’d trust you with Jacob almost before I’d trust you with myself. It took me awhile to understand that imprinting has a lot of different manifestations. He’s been defending himself from the start, telling us it wasn’t like that. Every single one of your family members wants what’s best for you and we’ve never doubted for a second that he wants the same thing.

“Your dad can read minds. You know he would have killed the mutt by now if it were anything different.

“Don’t think too hard on what it means or how it changes things. Nothing has changed, your eyes are just opened. And I promise you, if your feelings ever do change or if you want ever changes, your mind is still your own.

“He’s been anticipating and dreading this moment for years. We told him exactly when you should know. It was always going to be today.”

I hugged the pillow to my chest.

“I just want to feel something. It seems important. But he’s just Jacob still.

“I can’t help thinking, though, what everyone’s expectations must be if the purpose was to wait until now. When we’re two people, age and relation don’t matter. I feel now… thoughts I haven’t had before have been brought up. It seems wrong to ignore them and it seems wrong not to.

“All at once I’m matured and my life is before me and I’m loved and that means something different now than it did seven years ago or six years ago or even last year!”

I was talking like I had emptied a random jar and was pouring out its contents. I was distracted by the truth in my words. It was covering up the emotion, the desire, the one thing I only now realized.

I was jealous of myself for having something I didn’t know I wanted. I was glad. I was selfish. He wasn’t allowed to have a bond with anyone else like he had with me and it made me glad and I didn’t like that.

“People say love is selfless.” Mom started, cradling me against her shoulder. “But it’s selfish first.”

I realized that I had been radiating my thoughts to her unintentionally and I got embarrassed.

“I did a lot of stupid things because of your father and because of Jacob. We want to love and be loved and fulfilling our wants can be selfish, but selfish doesn’t always mean wrong.

“Your father thought it was selfish to want me to be a vampire. He thought it was a selfish thought to want to keep me forever so he completely ignored that I wanted that, too. I was selfish for forcing that decision on him. We were both selfish for the same thing.

“I was selfish with Jacob. Your father left me for a time, before we were married, and I turned to Jacob for a friend and I loved him. I couldn’t love him the way he wanted to be because I was selfish for wanting Jacob but I was more selfish for chasing your father, still. I hurt him.”

I avoided her gaze.

“He was in love with you.” I muttered.

She didn’t speak.

My Jacob had a life before he was my Jacob. Obviously, I knew that, but I never had to think about it. How many other girls had he loved?

All at once he was less mine.

All at once he was only mine.

It all felt disgusting.

I curled away from Mom and into myself, pulling my legs up to rest my chin on my knees..

“He was _in love_ with you.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------  
I was left alone and I detested the feeling.

The day started to die and I saw out of the back window a large red brown wolf pacing below.

I wondered what he was thinking and if I was being unfair.

I lightly pushed the window open and he looked up just as I hopped down. I took a few stabling steps as I landed beside him.

The wolf was large but seemed very normal to me. When I was much smaller I remember his size being like that of an elephant compared to now. It only made me realize how much had changed.

“I’m sorry.”

My voice was soft and gentle. I wanted to bury myself in his fur but it didn’t seem fair. I thought about what my mom had said about being selfish and I wondered if that was just what he wanted too.

Maybe we don’t get the things we deserve in life. Maybe we can get the things other people deserve, though. Jacob deserved anything. If he wanted me, maybe we could both be selfish.

His large eyes stared me down warily.  
“I can’t believe you kissed my mom!” I declared in a distracted tone, in a teasing anger that tried to hide the pain.

The wary expression didn’t change.

I held a tired smirk on one side of my face.

“I’m trying.”

He buried his face in my hands.

“Want to go to the cliffs?”

I looked into the trees while I asked, feeling suddenly conscious of his gaze. There was a place by the cliffs that was particularly hard to get to, a small outcropping of rock too low from the top of the cliff tops that only a skilled climber could get to even if they knew where it was. It overlooked the ocean and made us invisible to the world. Sometimes we’d go there… it was our spot.

I marveled at how much time we had spent together that maybe wasn’t normal. I had never thought much because I didn’t know any different.

It was dusk.

“I’ll race you and I’ll know if you let me win.”

I wished I knew what he was thinking. I was sure he felt the same.

Before I could get an answer the wolf took off into the woods like a flash.

“That is not fair and it does not count if you win!” I shouted, knowing he could hear me, then I followed quickly behind.


	6. The Dream

It took me less than ten minutes to get to the Cliffside.

“Ha! Still got here first!” I exclaimed, seeing that I was alone.

“You wish.” A familiar husky voice carried upwards from the Cliffside. I grunted.

Skillfully I hopped down the sharp slope, a task that would have sent any normal human to a salty grave. The waves hissed calmly against the stones far below.

The flat outcropping of rock was smaller than a bedroom with scraggly plants holding onto nothing and debris from the crumbling stones. Sitting there, lazily, was Jacob in human form, wearing shorts and nothing else.

I wondered briefly, as I had before, what he would look like in decent clothes. I was sure he must have worn them at some point before… well, knowing Jake, maybe not.

“It doesn’t actually count if you get a head start.”

“I don’t remember that being in the rules.”

I sat and leaned against the rocks. I’d been there enough that they seemed formed to my back.

“I was kind of hoping you’d still be a wolf. This would be easier if…” …if you were a giant, fuzzy puppy and not a half-naked man.

“I can change back.”

“No.” I debated my words. “I guess it’s fair if you can talk back.”

My heart pumped heavy.

He was so familiar; why was my mind twisting?

“I know I’ve said enough for one day, but you should know, you’ve thought this before.”

“You don’t even know what I’m thinking.”

“Then show me.”

I was embarrassed, now.

“Hey.” His voice was soft and calming. “C’mere.”

I shifted to where he was sitting and leaned into him. He was warm. It was a nice feeling beside the cool spray of the ocean. My mind calmed. I felt nothing. No confusion. No pain. Just comfort.

I sighed, pulling his hands to hold over both our laps.

_Selfish._

I let the warm pulse of energy push through me into him.

I saw mom first. The kiss.

_Hurt._

I showed him the kiss again.

_Pain._

It was still playing.

_Selfish._

I tried to fight it but the conversation in the woods filtered in like flashing waves, like northern lights.

_Love_ , he said. Again, said it. A different time.

I wanted to back out. Embarrassed. No.

Then, just like earlier, an energy pushed back against mine.

It wasn’t an image. It wasn’t a memory. Just empathy.

I wanted to cry. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t understand.

Selfish.

Selfish.

Selfish.

And like that, the empathy warmed farther into my mind and I could feel a light echoing me.

_Selfish_ , it said, understanding, clutching my heart with glowing vines.

_‘I’m selfish, too.’_

I curled into Jacobs shoulder and it was so much different than with my mom. It was like we were one person. It was stupid to cry. But there I found myself with my jaw clenched, shuddering sobs coursing through me. Somehow the crying turned into exhaustion and before I could think about it, I fell asleep.

The thin membrane stretched.

I didn’t like the way the lips moved and I didn’t like being on this side.

My brain pushed the image back… away… but instead the inertia from the motion lapped the memory back in on itself and I was on the other side, facing him.

The scene stopped and he just looked at me.

The whole image pulsed, as if there was a tandem between our energies.

It shuddered under the exertion and shattered until I was left in the darkness.

“You asked.”

I heard the voice beyond my eyelids which were red beneath the sunlight. I opened them curiously. We were still on the cliff outcropping. Jacob was just staring off to the west.

I had never talked in my sleep but I knew that my mind ran through my skin, even in my dreams. I hated to be touched while I slept… except… of course… by Jacob.

“I asked?”

“I wasn’t trying to look into your dreams but you reached out to me and… I’m sorry.”

I rubbed my eyes and sat up.

“Did you sleep?”

He didn’t respond and he didn’t look at me. That was a ‘no’.

“What did I ask? I’ve never been mad about you seeing my dreams before.”

And then there was something I was very not used to seeing. Beneath his already warm skin, where Jacob sat so seemingly far away, I could almost see his blood pooling into a blush. I felt a blush pull under my pale skin to match. What did I dream?

“If you don’t remember, maybe we shouldn’t talk about it.”

The blush in his face made me hungry, but not for food.

“Maybe we should. I don’t remember dreaming last night.”

He didn’t respond.

“Please tell me.”

He groaned. I knew if I asked he would tell me and it really wasn’t fair. Selfish.

“You said you wanted me there.”

I didn’t see why that was so embarrassing.

“So?”

“You were replaying the memory of me kissing… but your mom wasn’t there.”

Oh.

“Kissing me?”

I wanted to react but it was like being at a crossroads in which every side was pulling equally hard and maybe not at all.

Jake nodded once.

“I’m sorry.” I said. “That I made you watch that.”

He rubbed his face, still not looking at me.

“I really don’t think you should be apologizing for that. If anything…”

I really didn’t think it needed to be this awkward. It was a dream. I wished that I could read minds like my father could. Briefly I remembered the moment the day before when I received the memory in the first place.

“Can I try something?” I asked.

He finally looked up at me.

I scooted over and held my hands up.

“May I?” He nodded slowly and I put my palms on either side of his face.

I thought hard about exactly what I wanted to ask.

_“Please tell me.”_ I remembered what I had said.

_“You said you wanted me there.”_

_“So?”_

And then I held the question in my mind, reaching out to his.

Just like I had hoped, the bubbling energy pushed back to me. It came back like déjà vu. The pulsing energies pulling in tandem.

It wasn’t him doing it and it wasn’t me. We’d put it together between us like building blocks.

He felt guilty.

I could see where.

I also knew it wasn’t his fault.

I was in my memory of his memory but I caught the membrane when it came up before my mom was there. She was irrelevant. I lost her when I tried to pull away, expecting pain, put the pull slung me back in, far into the other side.

My energy knew how the scene went and flinched away from what was coming.

And then it didn’t.

He was holding it back, incarnating his memory and telling me it wasn’t the same. On my end, though, it just seemed like a glitch.

In my dream, without my consciousness to hold me back, I was mad. I was pushing back trying to make the memory play right.

I saw exactly where I messed up. I saw why he was embarrassed and why I should have been, too.

I didn’t just have a dream where Jacob kissed me.

I had a dream where I practically forced _him_ to kiss _me_.

I was torn between shuddering back and away in embarrassment and my craving for this new gift, this new power, this new knowledge. I was filled with emotion and it wasn’t mine and it wasn’t his and… it wasn’t ours either. It was like a venn diagram. Because his heart wasn’t mine, I couldn’t understand his feelings, only the picture and the way it was tinted with something hidden.

“I’m sorry.” I pulled away finally. “I wish I could understand. The way… what I’m hearing doesn’t make sense. But I am sorry that you had to see that. Thank you for letting me in. I’m sorry.”

He was unreadable.

“I just wish… I wish everything wasn’t all just because of yesterday. It was almost as if the other night when you told Sue and Charlie that I was going to be eighteen… I didn’t get it then but then yesterday… it seemed almost like you had just been waiting and waiting years for me to be legal.”

I could have expressed it all with my hands faster and simpler but that seemed… Touching… it seemed… right now… Right now I didn’t want to say _this_ like _that_.

I laid down, exhausted despite having been awake only a few minutes.

To my surprise I heard a light chuckle.

“You’ve been full grown for a while now, you know.” He murmured. “I don’t think it’s relevant.”

I slid up on one elbow.

“What?”

“Yeah.” He looked me square on. “By Carlisle’s measurements you were going to be an adult less than four years from your birth. Before we knew any different, we were scared you were going to be an old woman by fifteen.

“It was Nahuel who said that he had matured in seven years, give or take, so we ran with that. You have to understand, no one knew what to expect.

“So tentatively we decided that seven years was when we’d make an assessment, that we wouldn’t panic or make conclusions until at least seven years had passed.

“But Carlisle was more accurate than we gave him credit for. And you don’t know what it means to grow up. You’ve been slowing down at such an exponential rate that I doubt you’ve been very self-aware.

“You’re done. You haven’t aged in at least two years.

“And I never looked at you any differently.

“You’re just my Nessie.”

I took the words in like a long sip of tea.

“Oh.”

I had been making a lot of assumptions. A _lot_ of assumptions.

One of which was that Jacob being in love with me meant something romantic.

Listening to his words, I couldn’t deny the truth of them. Maybe I wasn’t self-aware. I could see, now, that he was right. I didn’t know what I was and no one had acknowledged that I was ‘done’. Maybe they didn’t either.

“So when do I get to be a woman to you?” The words came without me thinking. “Never?”

“Weren’t you the one just making a fuss about me looking at you different?”

_Yes! But now I want that!_

I was glad that I hadn’t been touching him because the thought was alarmingly loud and I couldn’t shove it back down, as if I was trying to sit on an over packed suitcase.

Of course I didn’t…

The way his eyes were boring into mine… it was completely normal. He was wearing that same lighthearted teasing expression that was commonplace between us. I knew my face was bearing something more intense. He had never misread me before. His expression shifted like it was going to meet mine.

“Nothing has changed.” He said. “I shouldn’t have told you but I really didn’t want to keep that from you if I didn’t have to. If I was going to make a move I would have done it already. It’s just not like that.”

It was like someone threw a boulder at my head.

And now… I knew he’d give me whatever I wanted so if I decided… Now I didn’t have that option because I’d be forcing him into it!

“Ah.”

“But…”

I looked up like a dog being offered a treat.

“I shouldn’t… I don’t know if it helps. Yesterday changed nothing for me but… it also didn’t change anything for _you_.”

I sat up and put my hand on his leg and he put his over mine, like a reflex. My mind was open.

“That’s…” he sighed and leaned back against the rock. “That’s not the first time you’ve had a dream like that.”

I could feel my whole face turning red.

“But-!”

“It wasn’t that memory, obviously.”

_What? How? When?_ My thoughts flooded his mind as he was probably anticipating.

“About a year ago. More frequently since. Different.” He chuckled as if it was funny.

His mind must have just been full of sharp spikes of alarm from me.

They calmed down into a swirl.

“Why were you just embarrassed today then?” I asked, aware that I was still morbidly embarrassed.

Jacob didn’t have the time to consciously answer but his subconscious touched me anyway.

Oh.

It was the first time he had thought back.

He received my dissatisfaction before I could pull away.

I looked at him without pulling my hand away, hoping to just cut off the flow. I still got ebbs of curiosity from his end, though.

He wondered that he did too much.

I hated he held himself back.

I ripped my hand from his, ashamed at the thought and mortified that I had thought it. I couldn’t believe I had thought it. I hoped I had pulled away before I thought it.

.............................................

I wondered about my newfound gift. Had I always had it and just learned how to harness it? Had I matured into it?

I couldn’t read minds, I knew that.

With Jacob, a few times now, it was like I received the subconscious response to my own subconscious energy. Maybe I could only do it with Jacob. Maybe I wasn’t doing anything and it was something between us. Maybe it was a wolf thing.

The thing between Jacob and I was that we really couldn’t be apart. Being embarrassed meant nothing. We knew at the end of the day we were going to be together and there was something about that knowledge that relieved any tension between us. So what if he knew my deepest emotions? Nothing changed.

It was a peril and a blessing of our life. When you live a long time, changes come in conclusions. You don’t have time for on again off again drama because there are only so many lock combinations. It’s why vampire mates are such a huge deal.

I was lucky that I had a mate from birth.

That’s how it just was and I had never thought about it like that before but somehow I had always known. The imprint just made sense. Obviously. _Obviously_.

I was wondering if I ever had a choice and missed what was right in front of me.

This was how things were.

For the first time, I was scared.

What was the conclusion here? This birthday wasn’t it. Did I want what my parents had?

It was impossible not to see that if I ever wanted something like that, a relationship that was…

The thing was, Jacob and I already functioned the way Mom and Dad or Jasper and Alice or Emmett and Rosalie or Carlisle and Esme did. We already had the implied permanency, the devotion, the unquestioning commitment, the companionship… everything except…

The physical.

Was there any point to think about it unless it came up?

There is a distinction between the love of a brother and a sister and the love of a man to a woman. What were we?

I wouldn’t have ever thought of it, maybe, except for that one image of Jacob kissing. It didn’t matter who if it wasn’t me. I’d never been murderous but I imagined the killing spree I’d go on if someone tried to take my Jacob away from me.

And he was mine.

I wanted to think everything to him but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that yet.


	7. Cupcakes

Jacob started to notice that I was avoiding touching him. I stayed more than an arm’s distance away from everyone, not wanting to accidentally let myself go. 

The distance started to drive me nuts, isolating myself in my head while my emotions were reeling.

The only people I couldn’t hide from were Jasper and Dad. Dad knew every thought I had and Jasper could feel everything I was feeling. I was glad that, for the time being, neither of them said or did anything. Even Jasper, who was good at neutralizing emotions, simply let me feel what I was feeling. I needed that. I needed to process, but there was nothing to process. I knew.

I was jealous. I was jealous of me. I was jealous that Jacob already loved me and I wasn’t taking advantage of it. I wasn’t taking advantage of him. Would he even want that?

“Yes Dad, the Cullens are fine with having the party here. Well, there’s more space, first of all…”

Mom trailed off on the phone with Grandpa, solidifying the plans for the evening.

“Well, we have more guests this year because Sam and Emily and some more of Jacob’s friends are coming.

“Alice is going to be just fine planning two parties in two days, trust me. I think she’s been training for this…”

I sat on the couch, powering my way through one of Carlisle’s bigger books. Most of the family had gone hunting to prepare for all of the human guests and Mom had gotten caught on her way out of the door with the phone call. Jacob had gone to his real home with Billy after our time at the cliffs and hadn’t come back in what was almost twenty four hours. Mom looked over her shoulder at me.

“Okay Dad. We’ll see you tonight. I love you, too.”

She hung up the phone and turned to face me.

“You’re not going hunting?”

“I’m a vegetarian.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll eat later.”

She maintained her expression.

“I’m not hungry.”

“I know your thoughts are private, but I wish you’d talk to someone.”

I was torn between pretending that I was utterly engrossed in the book and being civil. I chose civil.

“I’m scared to think.”

She held her hand out to give support and I knew she wasn’t asking for my mind. I took it in mine and, as I relaxed, it all flowed to her anyway.

She put her other hand over mine as she listened to my mind which had nowhere near my external composure.

“I think you’re right.”

I looked up and frowned at her.

“That’s between you and him, but I think you’re right. Be selfish.”

It was extremely unlike my mother to encourage someone to be selfish. For all of my life I would have said that she was an extremely selfless person, from moving to Forks to give my grandmother a better life to her desire to give my father everything he wanted. I could see, now, though, how she might have been selfish in the past on some things.

This was the second time she had told me this.

I watched her go out the back door and turned my attention to the fridge, hoping for cupcakes.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course Alice picked out my dress but she hadn’t picked wrong.

I got two dresses. Today’s was more casual for more casual company. Tomorrow’s dress was fancier for what would probably be an equally casual party but with guests who wouldn’t notice if I was exceedingly overdressed.

That noted, I was terrified to see tomorrow’s dress if this was the casual one.

It was black, in a clinging fabric that flared at the waist and billowed out at the bottom with tulle, falling just to my knees. At the bottom it fell into ombre sparkles, resembling stars falling in the night sky.

“I don’t think anyone’s going to notice but you.” I said as Alice drew the top half of my hair up with sparkling pins, drawing the dazzling stars into my hair.

“Nonsense, you’ll be fussed over all night.” She kissed my cheek, letting the rest of my hair fall in cascades down my back. “You’d be fussed over anyway, but there’s no reason not to put you on your best display.”

“You’ve outdone yourself again, Alice.” Dad stood in the doorway of Alice and Jasper’s room.

“She does everything perfect. You guys should start noticing.”

“I try.”

“Charlie’s going to be here in about five minutes with Sue. Leah and Seth are already downstairs starting on the punch.”

I hadn’t seen Jacob in over a day… not since we got back from the cliffs… the longest I had ever gone not seeing him. I didn’t want to seem needy by asking after him. I was almost sure I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“You ready to go birthday girl?” Dad offered his arm to me and I let him lead me to the stairs.

I could hear the babble of a dozen people on the main floor, but not the voice I wanted to hear. We turned the corner and I looked down.

Oh.

There he was, waiting for me.

Jacob had dressed up and, if we were the only two out of place, I was glad it wasn’t just me looking too nice for a simple birthday party. He was wearing a button down, real pants and a tie, looking like he was coming to pick some girl up for the prom.

To pick me up.

I blushed at the thought.

“Look who decided to wear clothes.”

He looked like he was going to spit something clever back but instead just smiled. It wasn’t his usual big grin. Instead it was passive, like realizing an inside joke. Soft.

I smiled despite myself and he took my hand.

“You came.” I whispered. I hadn’t noticed my dad already across the room, leaving just the two of us.

He kissed the back of my hand. My blush deepened. I’d like to wonder why, but I didn’t.

“Careful Nessie, or you’re going to turn a completely different color.”

I blushed more.

He chuckled again.

To the side, there was a knock on the door and just as soon someone was letting Charlie and Sue in. Grandpa’s eyes found me immediately.

“Nessie! Happy Birthday!” He came over and threw one arm around me, kissing my head. “I wish your mom would let us celebrate hers but every time I mention it she looks like she’s about to kill me.”

I looked over to where Mom had, indeed, unconsciously thrown steely daggers at him. If it had ever been a point of discomfort when she was human, she was doubly as concerned about anyone noticing what age she was supposed to be.

“That’s the only reason she throws me into this, you know.”

He laughed, calling my bluff but not understanding it.

“Happy Birthday, kid. I don’t care how old you get, you and your momma are always going to be my little girls.” He kissed me again and pushed something into my hands. “I promised you, didn’t I?”

In my hands were two dozen cupcakes in pink boxes.

“Thank you, grandpa.”

“Well, now, you’re welcome.” He smiled. “Love you.”

Charlie kissed my head and went off to say hi to my mom. Even if I couldn’t hear every sound in the room, I could tell by the wary look on her face that he had wished her a happy birthday anyway.

“I shouldn’t hog you all night.” Jake lamented.

“Hog me all night. I don’t mind.”

“You see me every day.”

“Not today. And I see everyone every day. It’s just that today we get cake and get to watch as everyone doesn’t eat it or forces a few bites down for show.” I opened one of the cake boxes, balancing them carefully. Jake needlessly helped but it made the task look more human.

“Except these cupcakes. They’re mine. All mine.”

I took a large bite to prove my point, being too enthusiastic and nearly choking. Charlie looked over and I held up an extremely grateful thumbs up, to which he only looked concerned until I swallowed.

I had been lucky that my vampire instincts had made me graceful and perceptive, yet somehow I was starting to become clumsy and distracted.

Jake used a thumb to wipe icing off the side of my mouth.

I blushed, embarrassed, shoving the half eaten cupcake back inside, which was almost worse than just finishing. I took the boxes out of his arms and stopped looking at him while I stacked them on the foot of the stairs.  
His touch was so innocent, but with my brain short circuiting, I was one thought and errant touch away from shifting our whole relationship. I wasn’t dreaming now and I had no excuse for my mind.

Would it really be so bad?

Just one accident and he’d know and I could play dumb about it and he’d wonder if he heard me correctly.

Selfish.

“That good, huh?” he was laughing at me and I was reminded that only a few seconds had passed.

“What were you up to these past two days?” It sounded bossy out loud. “Not that I own you. You can do whatever you want. I was just meaning that I’m used to seeing you and yesterday I didn’t and I—“

“You were worried?”

“No, I don’t worry about you. You’re a big scary monster. You can take care of yourself.”

“You’re a big scary monster and you nearly choked on a cupcake.”

“I’m not that big.” I grumbled and wiped at my mouth frustrated, even though there was nothing there. Under my breath I added. “I’m not used to eating solid food, anyway.”

“You’re sure that’s it?”

I couldn’t think how to answer.

“I just needed some time on my own to think.”

“Because of me?” I whispered.

He waited, weighing his answer.

“Yeah.”

The one word hung in the air for a while.

“I want to do right by you and I’m just not sure what that is right now.”

We were in a room full of vampires and shapeshifters. Anyone who wanted to listen in on our conversation could.

He had one hand on the bannister and I reached over to put a hand on top.

_I’m glad you told me. Nothing has changed. I love you. Just like this. Forever._

There might be more to it eventually, but the truth in my words would be that no matter what, it wasn’t going to be different. More, maybe. It seemed as if the most we could ever be, we always had been. Maybe that was what it was like to imprint.

There was a sense of permanency to our relationship in which romance was neither in or out of the question. I knew for sure that if either of us were going to have a relationship like that, it could _only_ be with each other; that’s just how we were. So it didn’t have to be like that.

I let the sentiment flow through me as a vague concept, not really telling him anything. We were in the middle of everyone at a birthday party.

While my hand was on his I was engaged with the rest of the room, or pretended to be, watching Sam with his arm around Emily chatting with Seth who was telling an animated story. Billy was there, chatting with Sue and Charlie in the corner. I wondered if Sam or Jacob had brought him. I hoped it was Sam. I hoped Jacob was staying.

“I brought my dad. I wasn’t sure if…” My hand was still on his as I listened, our minds linked. 

“We’re all going to sit down and watch your mom open presents.” Jasper came by with a trace of laughter, pointing over to where Alice was dragging Mom to the couch where there was a mass of wrapped boxes. She looked like someone was bringing her in front of a firing squad. I smiled despite myself.

Warily she opened an envelope addressed from Emmett, revealing an excessively bright store bought card with a very large 26 on the front. She grimaced.

“Thank you, Emmett.” I noticed her grin was more feral than sweet and could only guess by his laughter what the inside said.

Jacob and I watched from the stairs, laughing in time with the rest of the room as Mom went through an array of emotions as gifts were shoved at her and reluctantly opened. My hand never left his, my laughter echoing with his own. He turned and shared an eye crinkling grin with me as Mom unwrapped one present after another, everyone trying to make the most of what birthdays we could spend like this.

His gaze caught me like a hook. His smile took a pause as he took in mine. My heart skipped a beat and I knew he could feel it in my pulse and hear it in my touch. I didn’t pull back and I didn’t change. It was just us.

“Renesmee, get over here! It’s your turn!”

Alice rushed over to me and pushed me towards the couch where my mother had gratefully relinquished her position. I was pushed into place and I cautiously met Jake’s smile from across the room, behind the heads of people more engaged. He smiled brightly.

My first gift was from Charlie, who had decided I deserved more than just cupcakes. In a gift bag stuffed with tissue paper I pulled out a small painting of the La Push coast.

“It’s done by a local artist. I know how much you love it there. So you’ll always have a piece of where you come from.”

I smiled and stood up to give him a hug.

Maybe it was strange, and Charlie knew me well enough to know, that I felt more at home there than anywhere else, even if it wasn’t officially my home. In the world of monsters, La Push was the world of wolves and Forks was the world of vampires. But La Push was my home too, sort of.

The next gift was from Sam and Emily. It was a small leather book. I opened it to see page after page of stories hand copied in. 

“They’re Quileute legends. I compiled them but Emily transcribed it all.”

“We thought you might like to have a copy of them to have for yourself.” Emily completed his thought, her face hopeful.

“Thank you.” My voice was choked up with shock. This was...This was so personal. It was like an invitation into their world. It was like…

“Thank you.”

I shut the book and stared at my hands for a long moment before looking at them. “Thank you. This means the world to me.”

The Clearwaters had gotten me a gift, too. Once I opened it, however, I knew it was all Sue. In my hands was a large, handwoven blanket with a pattern of wolves stretching across, black on red. I smiled and gave her a big hug.

The Cullens were rich, a result of many years of high education and subsequent careers. It wasn’t beyond them to give extravagant gifts like cars or houses. I thought of my mom who had received both as gifts. But when your family always had money and you could get something if you needed it, it wasn’t expensive gifts that I cared about. It was stuff like this.

Rosalie and Alice had a joint gift that was also from Emmett and Jasper, unofficially. For seven years my two aunts had dressed me up and taken pictures and, in front of me, under a blanket of wrapping paper, was a photo album. It was the first of what seemed to be seven equally sized and shaped packages. Inside was a colorful and intricate scrapbook with pictures of me seeming to span years but that I recognized couldn’t be from more than the first three months of my life. Each page looked like hours had been spent cutting paper into fine calligraphy and pasting rhinestones into patterns.

I wondered what my face looked like. Whatever my expression was, I was sure in the eyes of vampires, my face said it all. I muttered a thank you anyway and took their hugs as they sat next to me to help me open the final six.  
It was strange to me that every person in the room was familiar with my peculiar condition since it was mostly glossed over and ignored for what anyone could help.

I was tired. I knew I could look through the albums forever. I set them aside, painfully.

Carlisle and Esme gave me a card with beautiful calligraphy. Inside was a lovely card that stated that my present wasn’t ready yet but that I should have a wonderful birthday and that they loved me.

Dad came over as I finished my pile of presents and kissed my head.

“Happy Birthday.” he said with an air of finality. 

I didn’t like the idea of the night being over. Even though my actual birthday had passed, there was a sort of panic in me that didn’t want my birthday to be over. I didn’t want to face the finality on the other side. The side were vampires were coming to see if I really hadn’t aged, like a spectacle. A world in which whether or not I aged might matter to someone. 

“Who’s up for some cake?” Seth riled up those who ate human food to a chocolate cake that was waiting on the counter. Everyone besides Charlie knew that the vampires weren’t going to partake, but a birthday was still an excuse to eat cake. I helped Mom blow out her twenty six candles and made a wish.


	8. Tonight

“It was nice getting to have you home for a bit this week.” Billy patted Jacob affectionately. Jake’s height looked almost comical next to his father in a wheelchair, but there was no mistaking the relation. Both had dark eyes that played mischievously where they rested deep behind cheekbones. 

There was something about those eyes that made Billy look wise and when he was next to his son, I could see how there was a hint of that in Jake, too.

“You act like I never come see you!”

“An old man gets lonely.”

“You see Rachel every day!”

Jacob’s older sister Rachel had married Paul Lahote once she graduated from Washington State University. Rachel was four years older than Paul and it seemed odd that they had formed such a close connection so quickly in the small amount of time Rachel visited home from college. The two seemed happy, however.

Paul had gone to Washington State University after their wedding and when he graduated, the two of them moved back. Rachel was working as a teacher at the Elementary School and Paul worked as a gym teacher. I don’t think it was a job he wanted, but he had wanted to be close to her. Even so, it suited them.

Sometimes Jake and I would do dinner with them and Billy, like we did with the Clearwaters.

“Now if only Rebecca would move back.”

“Alright, old man, let’s get you home.”

“Happy Birthday, young lady.” Billy took one of my hands in his, giving it a small squeeze.

“Thank you, Billy.” I smiled.

Everyone was clearing out and I had gotten hugged and squeezed by all of them.

I followed Jake to the car .

“Are you staying in La Push tonight?” I waited until Billy was in the car to ask, my voice low.

“I don’t have to.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek, gently.

“I’d rather be _here_.” Jake clarified.

I smiled and kissed his cheek.

“Get Billy home safe.”

I waved as cars filled and drove off.

“I hate birthdays.” I heard Mom at my side once the cars were gone. I wrapped one arm around her as Dad came to stand with us.

“I think that went splendid.” Alice chimed.

“You okay?” Mom asked, rubbing my arm.

“It’s over.” My voice was numb.

“You still have a party tomorrow.”

“I mean growing up.” I thought of the picture books. “Have I stopped aging?”

I knew what I was asking vs what I was hoping to ask. If I was done aging now, no one would really know if I had stopped until more time had passed. If I had stopped aging for awhile now, then there was an answer to be had.

“Yes.” she beamed. “You’re going to be around for a long time.”

“No,” I didn’t want to cut her high, but I wanted to get to the point. “I’m not worried about that. What I mean is _how do you know_?”

I didn’t touch anyone.

“You haven’t grown any in a few years.”

It was Jasper, his voice a deep bass against the light ambiance of crickets. I looked over and Carlisle was there too, and Esme.

“We stopped measuring two years ago,” Carlisle started. “...but it wasn’t because your numbers were so predictable. It was because there wasn’t anything to measure anymore.”

“...but Nahuel said…”

“What Nahuel said applied to him,” Dad added. “It wasn’t necessarily applicable to you.”

“Still, it gave us something to look towards.” Mom finished.

“I should know this. Am I dumb for not noticing?” I fussed, looking at all of them. “How could I not know I stopped growing?”

I knew I hadn’t gotten taller and I knew my proportions hadn’t changed, but my hair was still growing and I’d even cut it a few times, although my curls still fell to my waist. None of my family had hair that grew. Rosalie had been against cutting my hair from the start but had done it herself after they had stopped measuring me.

I still slept, even though I had hoped that once I was done growing I wouldn’t need sleep anymore.

“We all treated this birthday like a finality.” Mom responded. “It’s not strange that you wouldn’t notice not changing, since you were slowing to a stop so exponentially. Those last months you were barely growing two inches at a time, then one, then centimeters.”

I pouted in frustration. Jake was right. I had prided myself as a relatively intelligent woman, only to realize that I was imperceptive of even the most basic aspects of my being.

“I should have realized!”

Alice looked at Jasper and he waved her off quietly. 

“Why are you just thinking of this now?” Mom tried to comfort me.

“It’s my birthday.”

“That’s not it.” Dad mused. “Jake told her.”

“He did.” Mom echoed his sentiment like a question.

Dad’s eyes never left mine and I knew that he knew the rest.

“Let’s get inside.” Dad changed the topic and I was struck, once again, by how young he and my mother were, hardly seeming worthy of the title. “Our guests should be arriving tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“Siobhan, Liam, and Maggie should be here before morning, then Benjamin and Tia, Zafrina after, and Nahuel and Huilen will be here tomorrow.” Alice declared with certainty.

“I’ll stay up and wait for everyone, then.”

“No,” Mom pulled closer to me. “Get some sleep so you’ll be at your best when they show up. When you wake up in the morning, everyone will be here.”

I thought about her words for a moment. It was hard, at times like this, to not resent not being a vampire.

“Come sleep at the cottage, though.”

Mom practically escorted me through the woods. Dad came too and the three of us walked through the dense foliage. It was dark, but I could see everything, from the birds shuffling in their resting places to the glint of stars behind the thin clouds.

The humble stone cottage was lit from the inside, giving a cozy glow to the glossy cobbled stones leading in. I imagined how it looked just the same almost exactly seven years prior when my parents had come here without me for the first time. It had been a gift for my mother on her nineteenth birthday.

I made my way to my room alone.

It was weird being in the same house with them ever since I learned that they had been using the time I slept to have copious amounts of sex.

The rest of the family didn’t really come to the cottage. It was sort of a place where the three of us could indulge in a more intimate family unit. 

Most of the family decorated in various shades of white, giving a comfortable yet classy aesthetic. I had gone through various stages of color rebellion from pink to purple to blue to green to yellow, orange, red, black… Now everything was dove grey and tan and lavender in a soft french country style. It fit the small cottage perfectly. The room was dark with a soft glow coming from the strung lights in the thin fabric draped over my canopy bed.

I sat in a small chair in the corner, too numb to take my clothes off or sleep.

The last time we had vampire visitors like this, we had all been preparing to die. 

I stiffly got up to walk to the bathroom to wash my face off. Halfway through I decided to just take a bath, crawling into the freestanding tub wanting to cry and not really knowing why, having too many and not enough reasons all at once.

Change was such a large part of my life, but this was different. Suddenly, I wasn’t changing but everything else was.

I slid down into the dense mass of bubbles.

If only I could stop breathing I could stay submerged there forever.

All these weeks I had been trying to keep my eyes open and now I was wondering if I could get them to shut. I sat in the tub the entire time it drained, the chill of the fall night air chasing the water from my skin until I was naked and freezing. I yanked my bathrobe down from a hook and threw it on unceremoniously, going to lay on my bed.

I wasn’t sure how long I laid there thinking of what was happening not even a mile from me. I thought of vampires coming together and the words they would be speaking. I thought of Zafrina and Nahuel and Siobhan and Huilen and Benjamin and Maggie and Tia and Liam and wondered what was waiting on the other side of the night. There was nothing real stopping me from going over. Maybe I was glad to have sleep as an excuse to put it off.

I walked cautiously into the hallway and through the soft glow of the house.

Mom and Dad had left, no doubt to be the welcoming committee.

There is a silence that comes with vampires, but another thing to be alone.

I hugged me robe a little tighter around me, wet curls dripping onto the floor as they began to coil back into shape. I watched the tiny drops paint a constellation on the wood at my feet.

The air shifted and I looked up, knowing exactly who I was going to see.


	9. The Wait

Jacob was standing in the warm light like an ethereal manifestation of himself.

We stood there without moving, either of us, for some time.

“My parents are gone.” “I came to check on you.”

We both spoke at the same time, tripping over our words.

We both paused, waiting for the other to continue. Jake broke first.

“Edward and Bella went to the house, then?”

“I guess, I just got out of the…” I remembered that I was still dripping all over the floor and barely clothed. I tried to juggle in my mind whether or not this would have been embarrassing three days ago, blood still crawling into my face.

He looked lost.

“Should I-?” Jacob gestured to the door, wondering whether to leave.

“No!” The word came almost too quickly. “I…”

My words slipped out like smoke under a door.

“I don’t want to be alone.”

I was mortified for nothing I would have been self conscious about before but now it felt like I was asking something confused and Jake looked like he wanted to leave anyway, a hesitant shadow over his expression.

“Renesmee…”

I was going to hate myself for the way he said my name.

We were stranded at the distance between us, too guilty to give into closing it. Beneath my robe, chills ran up my skin, pricking goosebumps. I didn’t want to be alone in my head anymore.  
There were so many ways to fill this space between us.

I wanted him to do it.

We stood unacting and frozen in a way only two monsters could.

“Renesmee…”

“Yes?” The name was barely a breath on my tongue.

“Have you gotten any sleep?”

Molten anger ran up my body. I wanted to flip tables. I was mad. Couldn’t he just want something?

“No.”

I turned and walked to my room, throwing open a drawer and rifling through clothes, bypassing pajamas for jeans and a shirt that Alice would surely strip me out of anyway. I pushed my way into the bathroom, hearing Jake follow at my heels. I left the door cracked so I could throw my robe back into the bedroom.

“You should try to get a little rest before we head over.”

I stalked back past him, fully dressed, dragging a brush through my hair as I moved my robe to the hamper.

I bit back a few unfair things. Thanks, Dad. or I have two parents, I don’t need another. 

Why was I being like this? We had always maintained a relationship that was borderline paternal on his end and I knew it was only because he cared and… if I didn’t want to be romantic… I wanted to be peers. We weren’t, though.

“Okay, let’s think of it this way.” I fussed, not completely used to talking out loud in such excess. “What are we?”

Jacob was sitting on my bed staring up at me with a blank expression.

“What would you tell people we are?”

I bit my tongue at his silence and walked out with my hamper to do laundry. I heard him follow me cautiously.

“Why do we have to define it?”

The ceiling was too low for Jacob and he had to duck to not hit his head on the wood beams in the ceiling.

“I just-!” I grabbed his hand and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see his face.

We shared an image of the distance of the space between us, moments before. 

He pulled his hand away.

“We should get ready to go. If you’re not going to sleep we should go ahead over.”

I took two purposeful steps and pulled his hand into mine again, this time glaring up into his face and forcing him to hear me. He went to pull away but if I didn’t want him to, he wouldn’t.

Just like that, it was like ice stabbed me heart. I let him go, my hands limp beside me. It was unfair of me to want anything if he had no choice in whether or not to give it to me.

“I don’t really want to go over yet. You can if you want to, though.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Jake, what do you want to do?”

“You’re… not making this easy on me.”

“I know I’m not but I don’t know what to do. Just want something and do it! Stop thinking about me for a whole half of a second and be selfish for a change!”

He looked away.

“Jake, how can I tell the difference whether or not you want me because I want you to want me and whether you want me because you would even if I didn’t.”

He looked at me as a wave of relief washed over his face.

“That’s what you’re talking about?”

“What did you think I was talking about?”

“I thought you were…” he shook his head and laughed wryly. “I wanted to be in your life first, remember? Imprint and whatnot.” 

It didn’t seem very funny to me.

“That’s what I mean!”

“What?” He was still smiling on the tail end of his laughter.

“If I told you I had romantic feelings for you, what would you do?” His face fell flat. “Hypothetically. Does the imprint mean I get what I want? Does that mean you have to reciprocate those feelings?

“How is that okay? How can I stand knowing that your feelings are ever just reciprocal? Why can’t you just want me like that?”

Jacob looked exactly like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on his head. 

“You never have a first move to make if you’re just… hey… Hey!” I moved into his view when he tried to look away. “I don’t care if this is uncomfortable, I want to get it out of the way and over with.

“When you said nothing had changed, what does that mean, huh?”

Jacob was pensive, facing me but looking toward the ground.

Finally he met my gaze and the intensity after the absence of it nearly knocked me off my feet.

“Don’t you think I’ve been asking myself that for years? Every time I had defend myself for imprinting on a baby and I had to tell them it wasn’t like that. That you were a child and it wasn’t like that. I couldn’t look at you and wonder if one day it was going to be more than what it was. I don’t want you to ask me…!”

He started shaking and looked at the wall until he calmed down.

“I can’t tell you that you’re my soulmate and it not be weird unless the connection between us wasn’t like that. You needed to decide because my decision is already made. What more do you want?”

It felt as if we had been alone in that house together for hours although I knew that the forest outside was still clothed in night.

“I want to know that if anything changes, it’s because you want it to. I’d rather have unrequited desires for you than know you’re just giving me what I want. I want to tell you everything, but for that reason, I won’t tell you that.”

I pushed past him to my bedroom and I finally understood something very important. The difference between that intense, platonic connection and romantic love was a feeling in the chest that needed to find satisfaction in an equal partner. 

I laid face down, wishing that Jacob would hear my dreams and make a decision for us.

He laid down on the bed and pulled me into his arms the way he had so many times before but there was something new about it. Hypothetically, I had said. Hypothetically. 

I fell asleep against a warm chest thinking that, hypothetically, it wasn’t hypothetical.


	10. Nahuel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pronunciation Guide: (because I was curious about some when reading the book)
> 
> Nahuel: (Nah-well)  
> Huilen: (Hee-len)  
> Siobhan: (Shiv-ahn)

I woke up with empty arms and Alice throwing the curtains open.

“Good morning!” she sang. “Are you excited to see your dress? You’re going to look stunning!”

I sat up sleepily, rubbing my face.

“It’s morning.”

“Come on, I’ve been waiting to see your face when you try it on!”

Alice had learned, with much practice, how to see around me, but still loved the spice of moments like this which she couldn’t predict. 

Alice led me into Mom’s closet and sat me down while she unzipped a garment bag and withdrew the most beautiful dress I had ever seen.

It was entirely cream a gossamer-tulle fabric that was so sheer that one layer would be completely see-through, but compiled strategically it fit like a classic tea dress. It was soft, tied around the waist with a ribbon.  
It was simple and classic and beautiful. I put it on.

“Thank you!” I gushed as I twirled around a little, clicking my Mary Jane shoes.

Alice smiled appreciatively. “You’re welcome.”

She walked with me back to the main house and I marveled at my nerves, wondering what everyone else was up to that they hadn’t wanted to walk me over themselves. Maybe I shouldn’t be so needy. I wasn’t a child anymore. Still, I was unbelievably nervous.

“There she is!” 

I watched as a dozen eyes turned to stare at me. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do besides exist. 

I smiled tentatively.

“You remember Tia and Benjamin?” Esme gestured to the Egyptian couple sitting on the sofa. “Siobhan, Liam, Maggie…”

Sitting at the kitchen table, visible in the open layout, was a red haired woman, her mate, a quiet man in a hat, and a younger girl with red curly hair, darker and more coiled than mine. I smiled and nodded.

“Nahuel, Huilen…” Huilen had sat down in an armchair and Nahuel was standing by the door, apparently having been in conversation with my parents. 

Huilen was wearing jeans and a black blouse. Nahuel was standing by the door, also in jeans and with a buttoned shirt rolled up to the elbows, rather different from what they had worn before. Both had rich brown skin and black hair braided down their back. 

I was taken by Nahuel’s facial features which had something captivating in their expression.

“...and…”

“Zafrina!” I finished, staying where I was but with a large grin that I hoped was not too preferential. She had the darkest skin of everyone in the room which still managed to seem pale. When I last saw her she had been wearing animal skins but she and everyone else in the room was wearing modern clothes. I supposed to blend in well enough to hunt.

Siobhan and Liam stayed seated but Maggie flitted up to greet me. Tia and Huilen stayed seated and so did Benjamin, although I could see that he was eagerly awaiting his turn.

Nahuel looked at me and I watched Mom watch him watch me.

Zafrina was the first to make contact, giving me a prolonged hug.

“It is good to see you my friend. How you have grown! You are almost as tall as me!” I chuckled at the joke; she was six feet tall.

“I missed you!”

“I am so glad you are well!” Maggie smiled at me. “I hoped you would have no more problems with the Volturi and Sioban willed it. What an interesting start to your life.”

“I am also very glad no one died.” Nervously I tried conversation. “Thank you very much for coming to the aid of my family.”

“I can tell you really mean that and you are welcome. You strike me as a very sincere person.”

It seemed like an odd thing for one person to say to another.

“That’s right. You can tell if someone is lying or not, right?”

“Yes! You remembered. And you, Zafrina, I remember the images you can project. I think it is a far more impressive talent. Renesmee, can you still project your thoughts? I apologize if it is too bold to ask.”

“No, not too bold.” I held my hands out waiting for her to hold on and then remembered her ask the question.

“Marvelous.”

I looked across the room to Nahuel who wasn’t looking at me anymore, casting his gaze to Tia and Benjamin watching for others to react to me. He looked up again and met me with piercing, dark eyes. He smiled as if we were sharing a private joke and then looked away again, still smiling.

I hadn’t given him much thought but something about that smile made me curious.

“I wondered, as we had tried so to get your mother to push your gift if you had done the same.” Zafrina caught my immediate attention again.

“No.”I mused. “I feel it in my skin almost as though the thoughts reverberate through my nerve endings. I feel my power is more like Kate’s ability to shock whoever touches her.”

“I am surprised the Denali girls are not here.” Siobhan said to Carlise who was standing near.

“Kate and Garrett have stopped by in the years, and Tanya, sometimes. I think this particular culmination of circumstances might be too reminiscent of the loss of Irina.”

“And Amun and Kebi will not be joining us?”

“I am encouraging Amun to allow me some independence.” Benjamin added from the couch and I wondered vaguely if he had been allowed to leave or simply escaped.

Now that everyone had seen that I was, indeed, all grown up, I wasn’t sure what kind of vampire party there was to be had. 

“How are Amun and Kebi?” Carlise spoke from across the room, still heard without having to raise his voice.

“If you can imagine Amun as he was six years ago, I assure you nothing has changed.”

“Are you four staying in the same area?” 

I watched as a conversation started among those who were interested in the Egyptian coven. Some music started in the background and I watched as Zafrina and Maggie turned to listen to tales of Egypt. Siobhan turned to speak with Liam and Huilen had turned back to speak a bit with Dad. Everyone occupied themselves with the intrigues of the various corners of the world and I was glad to have some relief from the spotlight.

I looked over to where Nahuel hadn’t moved, the only one still watching me. I drew some courage within me and walked over to meet him.

“We meet again.”

“We do.” I replied. “Am I what you expected?”

He smiled.

“I could not expect you, no.”

I could sense myself in him in a way that was immediately familiar.

“I don’t believe I thanked you for saving my family. For saving my life.”

“All I did was exist. It was Alice who found me.”

“Truly, our family would not exist the way it does if not for her. Even so, you came. Thank you.”

“Selfishly, I was very curious about you.” he admitted.

“I suppose your curiosity is satisfied now.”

He tilted his head by only a fraction, still smiling.

“No, I can not say that. You are still a curiosity.”

“Are we so different?”

I was stopped by my own words, remembering the events of the past days. I looked up at Nahuel seriously.

“I stopped aging two or three years ago.”

“Did you?”

“Did that happen with your sisters?”

“No.” his face was as curious as mine. 

“I don’t really eat human food, except for these particular cupcakes. I wonder if you would like them. I still sleep at night, although I wish I didn’t. My hair and nails grow, although my body does not anymore.”

He still appeared curious as if my statements answered no questions of his.

“Are you sure?”

I knew he was meaning the age of my maturity and not whether or not I was sure if I ate cupcakes and slept at night.

“Not really, but everyone else is.”

“Interesting.” he paused for a long moment before continuing. “Age is… a strange thing for vampires, is it not? For us to age so quickly, how should one know when we are peers with others when our bodies and minds are the same?

“A vampire is frozen at the time of their transformation. I wonder… If our hearts still beat, when can we say we have finished?”

I contemplated his statement for a moment. It was true. Was my mind still growing? 

What I was more curious about, as prompted by his statement, was how long ago my brain had reached maturity. Speaking full sentences when I was one week old, walking three weeks after, reading Tennyson within three months… at what point had I been an adult and…?

I hadn’t considered that maybe I had aged past seventeen, eighteen, nineteen… What if I was technically older than my parents?

“You are something like a century and a half old, are you not? Older than my father… older than all of my family save Carlisle.

“How old do you feel?”

Nahuel and I felt to be in our own bubble, despite being in a room full of people. I wished that no one was listening but knew it would be odd to leave.

“I don’t know how old I am supposed to feel. I have only ever been a half vampire. On the other side of the first few years, age isn’t a concern.”

“What do you mean?"

“I mean that humans have a time to live, so what time they have is important. Vampires do not have a set lifetime, so it means less. Almost nothing. 

“You are not only mature, I have been told that you have far more intelligence than most adults. Now you are as old as Carlisle, although you have not done as much and do not know as much and have not experienced as much.”

That couldn’t be right… as old as my grandfather, who had been around forever… the technical age difference between him and Esme… if he had waited another eighty or ninety years and met my mother….

What was the difference in Carlisle, who was born in 1640 but turned his wife in 1921 or my father who was born in 1901 and had turned my mother less than a decade ago… all of that time as a vampire was just like a pause button until what you wanted in the world caught up.

“In that case, you’re not that much older than me.”

“In that case I am not older than you at all.”


	11. Goodnight

The blood cake came out. It looked like red velvet. Alice had foregone frosting or fondant and yet managed to make the cake look like it had come from an expensive bakery. On the top were seven trick candles, the only kind that didn’t blow out as soon as I breathed on them.

Jacob hadn’t missed a birthday of mine yet but I knew why he wasn’t here. He had, in fact, been there for my actual birthday but being with so many fresh faces and not his… it seemed like being in a completely different world.

No one sang ‘Happy Birthday’ which I, for one, was glad; whether the immortals were out of practice or simply above singing was irrelevant.

Carlisle, as head of the family and as the host of the party, rang a toast to prompt ceremony.

“Renesmee Carlie Cullen, your existence in this world is a blessing to all. A Thanks to this gathering for the part you played in keeping this family, and especially this woman here, alive. To all of you and to Renesmee!”

“To Renesmee!” Everyone echoed as I blew out the candles, still effortlessly, knowing they were the last marker of aging I would ever have.

‘Woman’ kept ringing through my mind. Carlisle had called me a woman so plainly and I knew that now, officially, that was what I was. Unofficially… who knows how long I had denied that part of myself.

“Oh, just try it.” Alice shoved a plate in my hand with a large serving of cake on it, passing other slices out to a large group of faces more skeptical than me. My eyes met Nahuel again and he winked at me while taking a big bite. His small gesture fueled me as I took a bite myself.

“Alice, this is amazing!”

I was about to have a new favorite food. There was something about the way the cake melted in one’s mouth that was not entirely reminiscent of human food. In fact, she might really be onto a viable human blood substitute. I swallowed uncomfortably.

“This isn’t-”

“No.” she cut me off. “But it _is_ a secret.”

I took another bite, oddly grateful for what was probably six hundred attempts at making something so inconsequential so perfect.

I had spent more time with Zafrina but had also tried to spread out my time with everyone who was leaving immediately. 

Although Siobhan and Liam were curious about me, I had a sense that they were mostly there because Maggie had wanted to be there. Siobhan, at least, seemed happy to be there, even indulging in the cake, which Liam sniffed skeptically.

Benjamin dug in enthusiastically and dragged Tia in with him. 

“Thank you for coming out all this way to see me.”

I sat down with that pair, trying to make my rounds as best as possible.

“I do hope we can be friends. We both quite enjoy your company as well as the rest of the Cullens. I’m also very intrigued by your lifestyle choices.”

“Benjamin is thinking of becoming a vegetarian.”

“There is a humanity to it and I am curious how it would be to settle for awhile and assimilate ourselves in society for a change.”

Tia made an expression that was somewhere between a cringe and a laugh.

“I’ll try anything if you will.”

“I wonder…” Benjamin mused. “Perhaps the next time the Cullens settle in Forks, in a century or so, if they might allow us to live with them. Of course, I would not allow us to be an experiment. If Carlisle were to allow that, I would not jeopardize your family’s position by being unstable.”

“Carlisle would love having more vegetarians in the family, although I’m sure the Volturi might see it as a threat.”

“Even so,” Tia added, “There is Amun.”

Benjamin frowned.

“I do not wish to be tied to Amun’s will for the rest of my existence.”

The next time the Cullens settle in Forks…

In a century or so…

I thought of Charlie and how, when we came back in what would likely be less than a century, it would be coming back to no one we knew. I swallowed hard.

I smiled politely.

“I would really enjoy having you and Tia closer. I like it when you’re here.”

“So do I, small one. Although, I suppose you are not so small anymore.”

“No, I guess not.”

“Has Nahuel been enlightening? I am still quite captivated by the peculiarity you both share.”

I looked over where Nahuel was chatting with his aunt and with Zafrina.

“I hope we can continue to learn more from each other.” As I said it I felt, intensely, that the things we were going to learn were going to be, not as much from each other, as much as with each other. Despite the fact that it was my life starting, I understood that we were walking it together.

Benjamin followed my gaze.

“Is the wolf still a part of your life?”

I snapped my focus back to the present conversation.

“Yes. He is still very close to the family. He’s giving the party a little space, though, given the tension that comes between the pack and vampires.”

“I wonder about your relationship. I was given the impression, six years ago, that the two of you were very close. Has getting older affected that?”

The question might have been presumptuous if being blunt wasn’t a necessity of scarce interaction.

“Ah…”

“Forgive me, please, for prying. I was simply curious. Your situation is strange; your relationship with the wolves is also very strange.”

“No need to apologize. 

“Um, no. Our relationship hasn’t changed.” I wondered if Benjamin, too, knew about the imprint. I wondered if anyone knew. I wondered if everyone knew.

“We just want to thank you so much, again, for having us.” Tia cut in. It might have otherwise seemed rude, but I had the sense that she was swooping in to save me. I smiled appreciatively.

“Happy to have you here.”

I stood up but as soon as I moved away enough to end the conversation I realized I had no idea where to go or who to talk to. I wanted to talk to Nahuel again but it seemed selfish of me to single out his attention just because he was like me, especially when he, Huilen, and Zafrina were staying through the next week.

I went to sit by the Irish coven and make small talk until the party was decidedly over. I walked everyone to the door, marveling, despite my life with vampires, that everyone could come all this way, sit through a whole party, then simply turn around and leave. I supposed, maybe, there wasn’t much to do as a vampire if you weren’t participating in society.

Maggie gave the most heartfelt goodbye, clasping my hands in hers, earnestly.

“I’m going to get a means to communicate with you and then we should stay in contact. If that is okay, I’ll reach out to you when I can.”

“I would love that!”

I wondered, if vampires didn’t have cell phones how they found each other at all.

Siobhan gave me a large, maternal hug.

“You take care now.” she kissed my head which surprised me, given how little we had talked. Liam and I smiled at each other.

I had mostly said my goodbyes to Benjamin and Tia and sent them off with tight hugs, each.

And just like that, they all vanished. I stared into the night, marveling at how the whole event had seemed like a dream. I felt a presence beside me.


	12. Vulnerable

And just like that, they all vanished. I stared into the night, marveling at how the whole event had seemed like a dream. I felt a presence beside me.

“Are you tired?"

I looked up to where Nahuel stood half a foot taller than me. He was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed, smiling in a friendly manner.

“A little. I didn’t sleep last night. Do you still sleep?”

“Rarely. When I need to.”

I turned toward him more, feeling private in the moment.

“Do you need to?”

“Not here.”

I watched him with interest, something he seemed to have of me as well. 

“There are no less than four beds in a house where only one person sleeps.”

“I don’t like to rest where others have left their scent. I don’t like to sleep in others’ territory.”

I looked away. 

“I get that. I can’t imagine being able to sleep somewhere I didn’t know. You can hang out with me if that makes you more comfortable.”

I turned to see him looking at me, not understanding.

“I didn’t know if you’d feel more comfortable being human around me." I looked away again, suddenly self conscious. "I’m sorry. It’s stupid. You’ve been doing the human-vampire hybrid thing for well over a century. I’m new at it.”

“No, I’ve never had anyone to sleep with.”

Oh.

I met his gaze again.

I wanted to protest that sleeping _together_ wasn’t really what I meant as much as giving him a space to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to backtrack on my statement, though, knowing what was meant between us.

“Never?”

“Jennifer is my younger sister. I have visited her before but no, I have not slept in the presence of my sisters or any human. It is uncomfortable to sleep in the world of vampires who might be hostile. I trust Jennifer most but still…”

“Do you trust me?” 

He looked at me for a moment.

“Yes.”

He said his response with hesitation, as if it were true but he was not sure why.

I leaned against the door.

“If you need to sleep, you can sleep in my bed here. I have another bed at my parent’s house. It smells like me a little but I can change the sheets.”

He listened with a subtle look of intrigue.

“I am not particularly familiar with human convention.”

“Well, lucky for you, neither am I. Sleep is good, though.”

He laughed.

“Maybe. Maybe sleep is different here.”

I thought of how I had been wanting to train myself to never have to sleep. Maybe it was a human thing to sleep, a wolf thing to sleep.... But it wasn’t a vampire thing to sleep. It was selfish of me to really want Nahuel to sleep here. Something about the concept made me feel less alone.

I had never actually realized how alone I felt until I wasn’t alone anymore. 

Growing up, my growth had made me special, somehow… different. Now my differences felt unjustified and solitary. Even Jacob had other wolves to relate to, to understand how they worked.

I thought of Sam, the first of them all to transform into a wolf and how scared and confused he had been until someone else transformed, too.

There was an underlying sentiment between me and Nahuel. Maybe he understood the words I couldn’t form. Maybe it wasn’t much, but it would change so much for me if I saw him sleep, too.

And, for him, I knew I was reading too much into it, but I could almost understand something that he might not be saying. He’d never had anyone be vulnerable together with him. Even platonically, there was something particular about not being family.

We were going to get the most out of this relationship if we didn’t make things weird.

“Come with me.”

I wasn’t brave enough to take his hand and simply hoped he would follow and that I could make it past the still half-full living room without questions. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to announce the two of us going upstairs or if that made a bigger deal out of it.

I was on the stairs already before anything in my mind could manifest, Nahuel right beside me as if this was nothing. Because of course it was nothing.

I turned into my room and sort of leaned against the open door.

“So… this is it.”

“That’s a bed?” he asked, in awe.

“You’ve never seen a bed before?”

“I’ve never seen a bed that _big_ before. To what purpose it is so large?”

I sighed, slightly embarrassed at having implied he had never seen a bed.

“I think the story at some point involves my mom wanting to get laid, although I think that was a consequence and not an instigator, so I couldn’t say. But I didn’t pick it out.”

“Get laid?”

I looked from the bed back to him.

“Get laid is like… intimate… coital… ah, sex...” I explained in a professional manner. “People use big beds for… activities.

“But not this bed!” I clarified. “They got their own bed… different bed. This bed is not a sex bed, just a sleep bed. And I don’t- There’s no- It’s just a sleep bed; a really safe, clean, non sex bed.”

“You sound really defensive.”

“I just want you to know that if you want to sleep in this bed, I’m not making you sleep in a sex bed.”

I wanted to bang my head against the wall. _What was I doing?_

“It’s very nice. This room feels like you.”

“Thanks.” I said, looking at the decor. “I like my other room a bit better but I actually decorated that one.”

I wasn’t sure what to do at that point. Was I supposed to go away? I _did_ offer to hang out with him. I didn’t really want to leave. I kept trying to think about the situation as him being an old man, much older than me. He was right, though… we were the same age. Either way, I couldn’t tell which was more inappropriate.

I decided that as long as we were on the same page, it was appropriate.

“Renesmee.”

His voice was warm and smooth and it sounded as if he was hesitant, trying out my name on his tongue.

I gave him my full attention.

“I am very glad to have met you. I wish it had been under better circumstances, but it was nice to know there was someone else like us out there… someone else like me.

“Maybe it isn’t much, but to me it is.

“You feel like home.”

It was weird because I hadn’t thought about it until he had said it, but I felt his words as a truth I just hadn’t realized yet.

“I guess being with you does feel like home. Huh.”

“But also…” he continued. “I’m glad that it’s you. 

“Finding someone else like me in the world… Of all of the people who could have been born like me, I’m glad it was you.”

I hadn’t expected the day to go as it had. I remembered I was still in my gossamer dress and felt that it had been ages since I had donned it. 

“Thank you. I’m glad you’re you, too.”

“You look as if you are going to fall asleep where you stand. Are you alright?”

“Mm…” I thought of all of the times I had tried too hard to go without sleep and Jacob had to carry me home. I was tired but I felt like I could keep going.

“You know, I’m never as tired as I am when you mention it. Do you want me to stay here?”

He was going to say no. He was going to be polite because he was a one hundred and fifty year old and I was seven and that made this weird. Because we were both adults and that was weird. Because…

“You can. I probably won’t sleep, but you should. It’s selfish of me, but I’m enjoying not being alone.”

I thought of Jacob and how we were seldom apart. I couldn’t justify feeling alone, but once again, now that he said it, I did feel alone. I thought of the night before when I was alone in the bath and when Jacob had shown up and I still felt alone and how I had woken up alone.

I thought of before that.

If we were so close, why did I feel so alone? 

I remembered giving Jacob my thoughts and receiving them back.

Oh.

Jacob and I were like one organism, but we weren’t peers. I had been pretending at that for awhile now. He had always treated me like we were on the same level, but that had always been, even when I was young. Nothing had changed. Nothing had changed and something about him indulging me did feel lonely.

“I’m kind of enjoying not being alone, too.”

I climbed on the bed where he had been sitting and laid down, feeling overly comfortable in Nahuel’s presence. 

“Maybe that’s wrong to say.” I mumbled, thinking of the bond between Jacob and I.

“Why?”

It was weird having a conversation that felt… well… felt mutual, if that was the right word for it. It was especially weird because Nahuel had been alive so much longer than me, but he hadn’t grown up with me and, for some reason, that made him more my age in my mind.

“I’m surrounded by a lot of people who care about me.” I thought of Jacob. “I shouldn’t feel so alone. And I didn’t really, until I met you.”

I felt intensely vulnerable and immensely comfortable at the same time.

I looked to where Nahuel was sitting against the pillows, comfortable but still somewhat formally. His braided hair fell over one shoulder. His button up was just a casual plaid shirt over a t shirt. His face was warm and handsome and captivating in a way I didn't want to admit.

“Have you ever…?” and I knew perhaps he had not and maybe it was my exhaustion talking or not having an unbiased, involved ear listening…

“Have you ever had a very close bond with someone, but they were just… older and parental… and you knew that bond was supposed to be everything and enough but then you meet someone else and you realize you’re not alone…”

I hated the words as they came out of my mouth, knowing I would regret my brain once I put my mind together.

“That’s not strange. That’s how things are between me and Huilen. 

“I’ve only ever known Huilen and I’ve only ever been with her. We were everything the other had. We still are, I suppose.

“She’s not much older than me, biologically, but something about her raising me has always made her feel older, maybe because she raised me.

“I can believe that I will never be closer to anyone than I am my aunt; how could I be? She is my entire history, past and present. I love her more than anything. Even so, she is not the same as me. We are not peers. We may be friends, we might even be bonded, but we are not the same.”

I thought about what he said. It had not occurred to me that he would have the same story as me, although I had no reason to suppose otherwise.

“So… you think you can have an impossible bond with someone and still want more?” I asked.

“I don’t think that I ever thought to look for more in life.”

I processed what he was saying with my own muddled thoughts.

“It might be wrong to say but, admittedly, I did not expect to enjoy your company so much." I said. “You must understand, you were barely a name to me. It didn’t occur to me that being the same might…” I laughed. “It sounds silly now but I put no weight on our similarities.”

“I believe I understand that completely. I was curious about you but I didn’t really expect that we might be friends. Only that we might understand each other better.”

I closed my eyes, still smiling.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Nahuel and I were the same.

I hadn’t thought about it ever, in my life, enough to put weight on it. To me, it never mattered that there was someone else like me out there in the world, except that he had come to our rescue years before. I had paid attention to so many other things then that I barely noticed him.

I never thought that if I were to meet Nahuel that he would be kind, familiar, approachable… a person who would accept me as equal. There had never been anyone to accept me as equal. It was nice. I hadn’t known that I needed that.

I heard as Nahuel shifted to sit closer against my pillows, leaning his head back against the wall. I moved to put my hands behind my head and we both stayed as if we had just decided to recline for a moment.

I imagined the way I had woken up on Wednesday and how I never thought to be like this.


	13. Platonic

I was surprised when I opened my eyes to see Nahuel still reclining against the wall with his hands behind his head. He looked as if he had just sat down to relax but I could tell he was sleeping.

I smiled, realizing that I had earned his trust.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that it was raining outside, but we had enough nice days in a row that I had almost forgotten that we lived in Forks, Washington.

I debated getting up but I didn’t want Nahuel to wake up alone. 

Instead, I leaned against a post of the bed, staring out the window into the rain, which was coming in cold sheets, dancing like curtains in the wind.

I turned to look at Nahuel’s face, oddly self conscious in the action. He has a very attractive face, something I was almost embarrassed to think. I remembered the intensity of his gaze when he had looked at me the first time across the room. Even with his most relaxed expression, his eyes were remarkably intelligent, like he was always effortlessly looking right into my soul.

I chastised myself for even thinking in such a way. I was Jacob’s.

Looking away, I admonished myself. 

But… Jacob and I hadn’t actually defined what we were. I thought of his words in the forest.

_‘This… thing…It doesn’t hold you the same way it holds me. You have a choice. I didn’t want you to grow up thinking you were born for me.’_

That only made me feel worse. I loved Jacob. I did. So what was this new feeling I was having?

Tentatively, I glanced back over at Nahuel. My heart caged itself up in my chest, frantic and terrified. I stared at the ceiling. Methodically, I traced over every word I had said the night before, which might have been mortifying until I remembered every word he said.

There were too many things that I wasn’t letting myself think.

I kept expecting Nahuel to wake up any minute and catch me thinking and somehow know every embarrassing thing I had been thinking just like my father could. 

I tried to distract myself by filling my mind with Jacob, but it felt wrong in tangent with me sitting on the bed. I could get up and leave and maybe that would be smart for me, but…

There was something new here and I wanted to take care of it. 

Nahuel had trusted me enough to fall asleep next to a perfect stranger. That meant something. And maybe it wouldn’t be so with everyone, but it seemed to me that part of that vulnerability is trusting the person to have your back. Sleeping in a new place in a house full of strangers… well, _I_ wouldn’t want to wake up alone.

I took a deep breath and held it.

Nahuel was just like me.

I was so excited. I buried my face in my hands, smiling stupidly. _Stop._ I pleaded with myself, but I couldn’t. I was so happy I wanted to cry. I looked back over at his sleeping face, him sitting up so well that if I couldn’t hear his slowed breathing I might think he was really awake.

His features were undeniably handsome. I groaned to myself.

_You are_ Jacob’s. _Jacob’s!_

I was going to go crazy in my own head.

I laid back down and closed my eyes. I wanted to be here. I was exactly where I wanted to be. I couldn’t bear being this happy and yet I felt guilty.

I thought of my dress, still lightweight on my skin. The fabric fell against my body gently and I focused on the way it rested on my thighs and laid over my chest… and how it would feel if strong hands made their way under the folds and…

My face grew hot as I slammed the brakes on my thoughts. _What. Was. I. Doing!?_

I grabbed a pillow and pushed it down over my face so tight I might suffocate. Maybe I deserved to. 

Oh _god_ , I hoped my father wasn’t listening in on my mind.

Whatever happened in my dreams with Jacob, while I was asleep, was nothing next to what my subconscious was trying to play with while I was awake. At least… I hoped not. 

My resolve at staying in the room was quickly waning with my sanity and I stayed mostly because I told myself I was going to but moreover, I admitted sheepishly, because I really wanted to be exactly where I was.

“You’re awake.” I said from underneath the pillow as I sensed Nahuel open his eyes. I pulled the pillow away, hoping my face was no longer red.

“I didn’t expect to fall asleep. I guess I was more comfortable than I realized.”

“Maybe I’m just hypnotically hospitable.” I joked. “I lure you into this big, cozy bed and lull you to sleep for my own selfish purposes.”

“I’m sure you’re capable of it, but to what end?”

“Oh, you think I give my secrets up so easily?” 

“It’s a secret?”

“Why do you think I waited until you were asleep?”

He laughed.

“Fair enough.”

“Did you sleep okay?”

Nahuel sat more upright.

“I did. Thank you. That’s the best I’ve slept since… I can’t remember.”

“It was me and my hypnosis. You thought I was joking.”

“I should know better than to underestimate you.”

I hopped off of the bed, following his example. He seemed happy that I was there when he woke up and I was glad that I had stayed. 

“Are you hungry?” I asked, immediately regretting it. Huilen and Nahuel weren’t vegetarians.

“You think there’s any cake left?”

I could feel my face scrunch in concern, thinking about Nahuel’s dietary habits… something I had sort of set aside in my mind.

“I don’t… attack humans.”

“What?” I thought of Huilen’s red eyes. 

“I didn’t really think about there being another option until I met your family. 

“After, I decided that wasn’t a lifestyle I cared to continue. Huilen hunts for herself and I don’t interfere, but I don’t go after humans. You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to go into the towns hunting.  
“I cannot speak for my aunt, however.”

I wished Maggie was still here to detect his lie even though I could tell, very plainly, that he was telling the truth. Maybe I was just skeptical because it was what I wanted to hear.

The inside of my mind was screaming _‘give me a reason to hate you, please’_ , because in that moment, admitting that he didn’t hunt humans, it was almost as if I was wishing that he did so I could justify not liking him. 

“Well, Zafrina is still going to hunt in the big city, so…” I said as if it was no big deal. 

I sighed.

“I was asking because I haven’t eaten in a few days, besides that cake, and I was going to go hunting, myself, this morning. I guess I was saying that you can come. I’ll give you a good lay of the land and show you where the best catches are.”

I looked up into his face and had to fight the urge to look away, caught somewhere between being captivated by him and not wanting to be. _Please say no. Please say no. Please say-_

“Thank you for the offer.” _...but I can’t take you up on-_ “I think that would be great.”

I just wanted to be around him so it was not helping that he wanted to be around me, too. I tried not to look too grumpy about getting my way.

“Good morning.” I greeted everyone downstairs as I hopped off of the staircase, Nahuel in tow. I realized how this would look if it wasn’t a household full of vampires and… one werewolf.

“I was going to spend today helping Sam fix his car, I just wanted to stop by to check in.” he stood up and without another acknowledgement, left. I looked over to Dad who was sitting on the couch, hoping for some insight.  
I didn’t like the feeling in my chest and I was going to ignore it until I realized that I couldn’t function without some resolution.

“Can you hold on a moment, I’ll be right back.” I said to Nahuel. Right after I ran out the door, following Jacob, knowing if he was in his wolf form there would be no catching up to him. The rain had stopped for now but it was still heavily overcast.

Coincidentally I found him in the front yard leaning against a tree.I ran over and slowed to a stop in front of him.

“Hey.” I said, casually.

“Hey.”

“You okay?”

“Sure, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I did just come out of a room sleeping in the same bed as a man I just met.”

I watched Jake cringe slightly and really wished I hadn’t brought it up, but I wanted to clear the air, no matter what. I wanted to tell him that it wasn’t like that, because it wasn’t, but a few of my own uncontrolled mental images felt like maybe I had wanted it to be like that. I wasn’t sure yet.

“You’re a grown woman.”

I bit my tongue.

The thing was, this wasn’t different from the conversation we had with me in my bathrobe. He was programmed to give me what I wanted and I hated it. I looked at him and thought about what I said hypothetically. I thought about Jake and romantic intentions and wondered if the thoughts I had like that were compiled circumstantially.

I felt bad, wondering if I was hurting him somehow.

“I’m not going to make myself feel responsible for anything you don’t tell me. Be honest with me. We can only make decisions if we have all of our facts straight.

“Nothing happened between me and Nahuel last night.”

Immediately I was struck by the conversation between mental age and physical age. About platonic love, mentally, and romantic love, physically. Maybe nothing physical happened, but I felt bonded to Nahuel in other ways.

I wondered who was more my age; Jacob or Nahuel?

“Whatever happens is between the two of you.”

“There’s nothing romantic between us. You and me.” I phrased it as a statement but asked it like a question, waiting for Jacob to give me a reason to shut Nahuel out of that part of my brain. 

“Is there?” I persisted.

Jacob looked away to the treeline.

“It’s not like that.”

I remembered thinking that if Jacob and I had romantic relations, it could only ever be with each other. 

“It’s not like that.” I echoed, still feeling like I wasn’t working with the whole puzzle. I couldn’t move anywhere. Jacob didn’t care about changing our relationship and…

I guess I wondered if I was ever going to have romance it would have to be with Jacob and now I just needed to know if I was allowed to have romantic options outside of Jacob. But if, especially if Jacob was never going to see me that way, no matter how much I loved him platonically, I couldn’t let that keep me from falling in love someday.

I was about to end the conversation but still wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to leave knowing I had nothing else to say to him.

“How about you tell me exactly how it is so I know where I am in this equation.”

“You know, your mom wanted me to be her best friend without having to love me romantically. With you, I’m having the exact _opposite_ problem!”

“You’re saying _I’m_ trying to force romance between us and _you_ don’t want it?”

I waited for him to respond and say that _wasn’t_ what he was saying, but he didn’t.

“My subconscious tried to kiss you, not me. Dreams are symbolic! I don’t lie awake at night thinking about you kissing me. I didn’t even think about that as an option until Wednesday and that was only because of what _you_ told _me_!

“Do you think things would have changed if you hadn’t said anything? I would still just be thinking about you as my third uncle. 

“I’m just trying to make sure I got this whole imprint thing right before I go on living my life without caring about it all. Forgive me for trying to clear the air when you haven’t been able to explicitly tell me it wasn’t like that.”

“I keep telling you it’s not like that!”

I took a deep breath. He _did_ keep saying it wasn’t like that. I thought about everything he said in those few days. There had never been an implication that he wanted me like that. If anything he had been saying the opposite, almost trying to let me down gently.

“So what, we stay super best friends forever for the rest of our lives and move on with everything else like normal. I find my ‘Edward’ and you find your ‘Bella’ and I get to hate her for not being me even if I don’t want to be her? And you just get to be happy that I’m happy while you find happiness somewhere else?

“What’s the point?”

Jacob stared at me really hard for a good minute.

“You’re still going to be my Nessie. I’m not going anywhere. I just can’t give you that. I don’t see you that way.

“I’ve known you since you were a baby. I watched you grow up. How could I ever look at you that way? I love you, but please accept that, as much as I wish I could be everything to you, I don’t want that. You’re beautiful, Nessie, but I’m not attracted to you, not like that.”

I smiled a bit.

“You’re sure.”

“I am absolutely positive. I always thought it might be like that someday, but it never was. In my head you’re still this big.” He held his hand up waist high.

I took a deep breath.

“Nothing’s changed?”

“Nothing has changed.” he affirmed.

I laughed.

“I’m still selfish, which means you have to stay single forever. Obviously I can be the only woman in your life.” I said, sarcastically.

“That makes me better than you because I can learn to share.”

“Well, you had seventeen years without me to get used to the idea.” I chuckled.

“I understand how it could be a confusing concept for you to separate the different kinds of love in your head.”

“Hey, now. We’re ending on a good note. Don’t be condescending. I’m only seven.”

“Go.” he waved me off. “Enjoy your company. Sam’s car isn’t going to fix itself.”


	14. Fate

I skipped back inside, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulder, though still feeling a bit wistful.

Nahuel was standing where I left him.

All of the half asleep attraction I had felt to him seemed to have gone away with the morning. His features were still attractive, but he seemed normal. My mind was safe now.

Maybe the event of the week with Jacob in my mind had put me on an unreal high. Maybe it was waking up next to…

Oh, there it was.

“Sorry about that. I had something I needed to say to Jake before he left.”

“I remember. Your shapeshifter friend.”

“Yes, that was him.”

“You two are close?”

I looked up into Nahuel’s eyes.

“Yeah, we’re pretty close. He helped raise me. He’s kind of my best friend.”

“I anticipate getting to know him.”

“Yeah, he’s great. I think you guys will like each other.” I said, having no idea whether or not it was true.

After being away for just a few minutes, Nahuel seemed almost like a stranger again. Maybe it was because we were staged in front of everyone else in the living room.

“Nahuel and I are going hunting.” I said to no one in particular as I led him out the back door, taking a huge sigh of relief once I felt myself settle into being me again. I stopped a few yards from the forest's edge.

“You love him.” Nahuel said as an observation. It seemed as if it wouldn’t be his business but it felt natural in conversation. I stretched my arms recreationally.

“I wish.” I laughed without looking at him, realizing the truth of my own statement. “He’s the one I was talking about last night; the one I’m bonded to? Jacob is my Huilen.”

Finally, I met Nahuel’s gaze.

“If I was in love with Jacob romantically, it would be unrequited. I almost wonder if I’d feel better having some way to love him more than he loves me. The thing is…”

I sighed, staring up at the sky to try to disassociate with myself while I spoke.

“I just learned on Wednesday that Jacob imprinted on me way back when I was born. He basically saw me and instinctively had to devote his entire life to me. It’s a bit intimidating, really, since I’ve always been fond of him but now there’s this pressure…”

I looked back at Nahuel.

“He basically told me I’m everything to him. What does one do with that kind of information?”

Nahuel’s gaze sank into me in a soothing, empathetic way.

“I can’t imagine.”

“I guess the next closest thing would be us.” I was too blunt. “What with me being the only half vampire you know who isn’t related to you.”

“Have they been saying that? That we’re likely to get together?”

I shrugged.

“Kinda. It doesn’t mean anything, though.”

“Maybe. Maybe they’re right.” he was being blunt, too. “Do you believe in fate?”

I squinted back up at the sky again. A small bit of light turned a dark cloud a lighter grey.

“I don’t know. If so, I think it’s broken for me. Too much feels like fate, but none of the pieces have come together.”

“I didn’t believe in fate until I met you.”

I met Nahuel’s gaze as a light rain began to fall.

“I’m not saying I’m trying to mate you or anything, only that I feel that I was meant to meet you, even if perilous circumstances brought us together.”

I smiled.

“Your English is very good.”

“I have been practicing for coming here. My English was good but it’s better now.”

I realized that I was still in my birthday dress and that Alice would probably fuss about me hunting in it.

“Can I take you somewhere?” I asked.

“Of course.”

“Good. Great. Awesome.”

I led us through the woods as the rain began to pick up, quickening my pace to the lavender grey cottage buried in the thick trees. I made my way to the front door just as the rain started to pour. I held it open, ushering Nahuel inside.

Although Nahuel was taller than me, he wasn’t as tall as Jacob and fit in the cottage just fine without having to duck.

“This is the other house I was telling you about. I just want to change really quick now that I’m thinking about it or I’ll forget what I’m wearing for three days and I don’t need that lecture again.”

I made my way through the hall with a familiarity, not being much of a hostess to Nahuel and expecting him to make himself at home.

“Of course, now that it’s raining, I suppose we could wait a bit. I don’t mind the rain but I’m not sure it’s worth putting on fresh clothes just to get purposefully drenched.” 

I rummaged through my drawers while Nahuel wandered, looking at the evidence of our family’s life there. Everywhere, there were pictures of all of us and very many of me. I pulled out jeans and a white t shirt.

Sticking my head out of the door I looked down the hall to see Nahuel looking over the photographs. I went out to meet him, the clothes still draped over my arm. Outside the rain had picked up even more and I was glad I had thought to come to the cottage...

“You have a nice family.” he traced his fingers over a photo of the three of us, looking at my mom. I didn’t know what to say.

“I am happy with Huilen, but sometimes I wonder about what it would be like if my mother had not died. I wonder what it would have been like if my father had truly loved her and what our family might have looked like.

“Seeing your family, though, it doesn’t make me sad. I feel complete in the love between me and my aunt but sometimes… Sometimes I wonder for more.”

He looked away from the picture and at me. The rain was the primary sound but felt so far away in the calm of our home. I was caught off guard by the intensity in his eyes, even with such relaxed features. His face… I couldn’t think for the moment his gaze caught mine.

I lost all of the breath in my lungs as he held my gaze. I wanted to reply but I couldn’t make my lips move.

Unconsciously we moved in toward each other.

Innocently, he raised one hand to brush my cheek and, all at once, my thoughts met his fingertips like a spark of electricity. 

I saw the rain and his gaze and the electricity in his touch, all in his mind and mine, flooding back until we were experiencing each other and when he answered me it wasn’t with his mind.

As his lips met mine, our thoughts met in the one moment, amplifying it throughout my body.

In my mind, with his thoughts pressing against and lapping over my own, I felt us push into each other in a way that our bodies could not.

His other hand reached for mine as he kissed me deeper, bringing his palm to mine, the electricity in my skin gaining more surface with his, cultivating a craving for more, each touch meeting in flesh and mind.

I could feel his emotions in the way his lips moved, his intentions in his fingertips, his memories in his hands… and I knew he was feeling all of me.

It was his first kiss and mine and neither of us had wanted it the way we needed it now. We were separate and when we collapsed it was into each other, and in both of our motions, we were unapologetic now, regretting nothing.

When he pressed me against the wall I couldn’t think which of us had imagined it first.

The rain picked up as he kissed me deeper, both of us trembling down a hill we had pushed ourselves down.

He pulled back, feeling my thoughts.

“You’re hungry.”

“Not for food,” I murmured as I pulled his face back to mine.

As the rain fell outside, I wondered how far we were going.


	15. Fear

“You never kissed anyone?”

We sat on the couch, Nahuel’s hand in mine as he experienced my gift. I still spoke out loud, trying to break the amorous tension between us with sound.

“No.”

“In a hundred and fifty years?”

“There was nothing I wanted… There was no one I wanted in that way.”

I smiled, thinking how we knew each other, despite the time we had, and how we fell into each other so unexpectedly.

“Maybe there _is_ such a thing as fate.”

My thoughts, despite me, met him. I thought there was nothing to it, just a kiss. That we weren’t together. There was nothing to this. I wondered if I wanted that.

In his mind, I saw my face just before he kissed me. I blushed, seated next to him. In his mind, I saw how natural it was… how it really had been an accident. How it fell into place without us thinking about it. It made me want to fall into him now, but I held myself back.

The act of seeing a kiss in my mind… how different it was now from what it had been before, when now I had felt it and wanted it and he wanted it back. 

We were both holding ourselves back. He was allowed to hold my hand and we were starting with that because anything more… I wasn’t sure what would happen between us if we were to allow ourselves to get carried away like that before.

I took a deep breath.

“We should actually go hunting. If we never come back they’ll think we ran away.”

“So are you going to get changed, now?”

I looked down at myself, embarrassed at how my dress had gotten mussed. I remembered that morning when I had laid on the bed thinking about how my dress might get pushed aside for-

I yanked my hand out of Nahuel’s hand.

He smiled like he was going to laugh but said nothing.

Perhaps Alice wouldn’t have minded anything happening to my dress if she knew it had been my first kiss. 

Then again…

A sudden dread crept over me. Was my whole family waiting for me to end up with Jacob and make him official family? Did they know that neither of us wanted that? If they knew about what happened between me and Nahuel, would they be disappointed?

Days before, I had been so sure that I was fated to be with Jacob. I remembered thinking that _of course_ we would be together because it was so natural. I couldn’t imagine how I thought he would be jealous when now I was so excited to tell him what had happened.

My dress wasn’t _so_ mussed. Alice would never know if I didn’t want her to.

“I’ll get changed, but you stay.” I looked at Nahuel and pointed to the couch. “I’m not going to risk losing anything else today.”

I walked down the hallway practically vibrating with disbelief. When I closed my bedroom door behind me I shuddered and fell on my bed. How unbelievable, how unbelievable. 

My parents had shared their first kiss. I traced my lips with my fingertips. Out of one hundred and fifty years I was the one who stole Nahuel’s first kiss. I wondered if my mom had felt so special being my father’s first kiss after how long he had waited, not finding anyone else worthy.

I sighed. It hadn’t occurred to me that I might share my first kiss with someone else’s.

And the electricity!

If I had ever felt my gift was ordinary, I knew better now. There was no way other people could kiss with the intensity of being physically and emotionally involved at the same time. And the way I received Nahuel’s subconscious?

Kissing me for the first time was a glimmer of a subconscious thought, something he might not even have ever told me.

I needed to pull myself together enough to take off my clothes… and put more on.

I just wanted to drop everything and run into the other room and start over.

Taking a deep breath, I slid my dress off, looking into the bathroom at the tub. 

I put on my jeans, giving myself ample coverage of skin by trading in my t shirt for something with long sleeves. I was going to do everything I could to save myself from accidents, both with Nahuel and with my family.

When I came out of the bedroom again I was at once intimidated by Nahuel. If I had not just been pinned against the wall by him I would think that I stood no chance. I was glad that I fell in. Who knows how long I might have taken to come to conclusions and overthink things? 

“I’m back.” I said with perfect timing as the rain not only let up, but a small bit of sun came through the clouds. “Bears, deer, mountain lions…. And rabbits for the faint of heart.”

“These do not sound intimidating,” Nahuel replied, standing up and following me to the door.

“I mean, not to _us_ , sure. You got something better?”

Nahuel and I made our way into the forest as he told me all about the wildlife native to where he lived and how he had started hunting differently when he took up the Cullen family lifestyle.

I didn’t realize how long we had been gone until when we got back it was almost dark. I was sure neither of us was tired but I wondered how we were going to play things from now on. It seemed uncertain now.

I stopped short of the house and took Nahuel by the hand, stopping him enough for him to turn around, the first time I had touched him since we had been in the cottage.

His eyes were the same passive intensity that pulled me into him in the first place. Maybe I imagined it. I stepped closer and waited for things to unfold, expecting nothing to happen because it was all a dream or it was my fault for pushing myself onto him…

He gazed at me with uncertain anticipation before giving into kissing me.

“This isn’t smart.” he murmured between our lips.

_I don’t care._ I thought back.

He pressed in closer to me.

We’re going to get carried away.

_Do you want to kiss me?_

_Yes…so much, yes..._ I felt the pulling desire from him, aching in my own heart.

_Then kiss me._

The longer we stood there in the darkening twilight I thought that I didn’t care much what anyone thought. I waited for the bubble to burst, for something to happen to break my heart. I didn’t believe in this. He didn’t either and I loved that. 

I loved the selfishness running through us that felt like fear. We were afraid of being broken by each other, but knowing he was afraid, too, made me brave enough to keep going. I felt like I couldn’t believe deserving this but he felt it before I did, even.

_We have to go back._ I thought as he held me against a tree.

_Not yet._

_Don’t tempt me. I could stay out here all night._

_Is that a promise?_

He pulled back and looked me in the face before kissing me once more. I smiled, thinking how maybe we didn’t have to go back. I knew Mom and Dad would be heading back to the cottage, probably. That was good. I didn’t need an opportunity to be so alone with him again.

Nahuel was still getting my thoughts through my hand, which was in his as we approached the house. Maybe I would let go then but I hadn’t decided yet.

“You know, I never saw your bedroom at the cottage.” he said. “You told me you liked that one better because you decorated it. I was kind of curious.”

I smiled as I pictured my room in perfect detail and thought about myself lying on my bed thinking about how he kissed me.

“It is a nice room.” he said while his brain tried to juggle thinking about what the room looked like and seeing if I was sharing what I was thinking then.

“My dad can read minds.”

My hand let go of his automatically and I thought of all of the things I had not thought about until today and how many of them I did not want in my father’s mind. I thought about the dress and…

“My dad can read minds.” I hissed at a whisper as we were right outside the door. If I spoke any louder then it would be loud enough for a vampire to hear from inside.

“Yes.” he said. I juggled between desperately wanting to kiss him again and trying to shut off my mind for my father. No, we couldn’t both be that diligent.

“It’s okay, he’s good with secrets. I’m not ashamed that we kissed,” I emphasized. “Moreover I’m a little edgy about the fact that I kissed… got kissed… my family is kind of invested, I just want to tell them right, if it comes up.”

“I will follow your lead.”

“Okay.”

I took a deep breath and walked inside.

Mom, Dad, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Huilen… I counted heads, finding fewer than I expected.

“Zafrina went into town.” Mom said cooly, “You picked a good day to go out with Nahuel.”

“I guess so…” I surveyed the room.

“Calisle got called into work, Esme is working on a project upstairs, and Rosalie went out to meet Kate and Garrett.”

“Kate and Garrett are here?” I looked at Alice.

“It was a last minute decision.”

“Oh.” I stumbled to find more to say to keep my mind focused. I was failing.

“I was surprised how similar hunting is here as where we come from.”

“Is it?” Dad raised an eyebrow, skeptical.

“I was surprised how similar your wildlife is. You have mountain lions and deer and we have cougars and taruca. I have not had a bear before, however.” He smiled, bringing the expression of his eyes into his whole face. I smiled too, realizing as my desire swelled that in that moment that I had given myself up to at least Jasper.

“This man has good taste.” Emmett remarked, having a preference for bear himself.

It was amazing how I felt as if I was bringing someone home for the first time instead of him having been there for two days already.

I looked at Dad, not afraid of him getting in my head anymore, instead beating him to the punch.

_We kissed._ I thought, simply, making eye contact.

Dad’s maintained a poker face, not reacting at all except to take a deep breath of air that I knew he didn’t need. My face was probably filled with worry, though. 

_Please don’t tell anyone._

He looked away from me to rejoin the conversation. I hoped it was in an effort to look casual and not because he was mad. Even so, I thought to myself that his fists looked clenched.


	16. Confessions

“Mom, can I borrow you for a second?” I asked over a conversation I wasn’t listening to. 

Due to the nature of living in a house with an empath, a psychic, and a mind reader, there were no secrets in the Cullen household. I knew better than to try to start keeping secrets now and the best person to start with was the shield. 

I looked at Nahuel briefly, glad he wasn’t looking at me, but was rather engaged in conversation with the rest of the family.

Without even saying anything to bring more attention to us she just stood up. I walked over and we both walked into the front yard. As soon as we were out of earshot the words burst from mouth like a balloon being popped. 

“I kissed Nahuel.”

Her face remained the same impassive mask that my father’s had. 

“Please say something.”

She blinked once, an unnatural habit for vampires. I thought of the long breath my father had taken.

“Okay…”

“Is that wrong?”

I was struck again how young my mother was, physically. I had never known anything different, but it reminded my of how Jacob’s wolf form had seemed like an elephant to me when I was small. She hadn’t changed, I had just caught up.

She looked at me sympathetically.

“Why would that be wrong?”

“ I don’t… know…” I wondered if I had been the only person thinking I was supposed to end up with Jacob. Even now, kissing Nahuel seemed wrong, even though I wanted it and he wanted it and Jacob didn’t want me like that and I didn’t want him like that… it seemed like that, because he was my person, he was the only person I was allowed to have.

It seemed like I was Jake’s person and that meant it was always going to us two.

As I thought about Nahuel, though, I realized that if I could have Nahuel, it would be okay for Jacob to have whoever he wanted, too. I might be a little jealous, but I would be happy.

Even so, I was waiting for things to fall apart with Nahuel. I felt like fate wanted me with Jacob and I was mad for feeling that way. It wasn’t fair!

“Tell me about you and Jacob.” I said, shoving my foot to make a straight line in the dirt. I kicked the line again, making it deeper.

“What do you want to know?”

“I want to know what I don’t know. I want to know the answers to the questions I wouldn’t think to ask. I want to know everything. Asking for that information might be selfish, but I want to understand.”

“We were friends.” she said absently. “He wanted more than that and I didn’t.”

“So you loved him but you never felt anything for him.”

She looked uncomfortable.

“I was in love with Jacob, too.” she said. “There’s a large chance that if your father hadn’t come back I might have ended up with Jacob. He was perfect for me and I was in love with him. I loved your dad more, though.”

“And do you really think that you were in love with him because of me,” I continued, unfazed by her confession. “Or that you were in love with him even if I was never going to be born? 

“Did that mean you were fated to be with dad if me being born was the only reason you loved him? And if you were going to end up with Jacob and I wasn’t going to be born that you wouldn’t have loved him?”

She thought for a moment.

“I don’t think that I ever thought I was in love with Jacob because he was going to one day imprint on you. That’s his theory. I can’t speak for him, if that’s still what he thinks.”

“If he’s right about that theory, why was he in love with you in such a different way? He tried to kiss you and I know it’s not like that between us.”

“Why are you so worried about Jacob? I thought we were talking about Nahuel.”

I pushed the dirt a few more times.

I took a deep breath, knowing exactly what I wanted to say but not feeling entirely confident about saying it.

I really didn’t have the confidence to say it. It had only been one day.

“How long did it take for you to know Dad was the one?” I asked the sky, looking back into Mom’s gold eyes once the words were out.

“That first night. The first time we were alone together and I started to get answers and get to know him… when he dropped me off that night I knew. I just knew.”

I took a deep breath and held it, letting it out in a huff. It felt like the dark night was a million ears, waiting for me, listening.

The thing I knew exactly what I wanted to say? It was so right…

“I think Nahuel is my Edward.” I said, so low I wondered if my own lips heard me right.

I looked back up into the inevitable night, trying to swallow the feeling in my chest that was hopeful and terrified and vulnerable. I wanted him. I wanted him a lot and it seemed all too soon to want like that. 

It seemed like, because Jacob was in my life, fate was going to drag Nahuel away from me and it created an ache in me that I tried to swallow and swallow but it just grew until my chest felt tight enough to explode. I scrunched my face to keep from crying, looking abruptly back to the dirt.

“I wish Jacob hadn’t told me about this stupid imprint!”

I sniffed as my eyes started to water.

“I didn’t know I could want something like this. 

“But I feel like I’m cheating on my bond with Jacob. It feels dirty and…” Right. It felt right. I thought of Nahuel’s lips on mine and thought I would drown in the memory. He made my heart race. He made me want things I had never wanted before. My skin was a live wire, pulsing with emotional energy.

“Love is selfless…” Mom repeated her words from earlier that week. “But it’s selfish first. You can never be part of an equal equation unless you chase what you want.

“In love, people get hurt, but nothing comes out on the other side unless you’re selfish in the pursuit and selfish in obtaining it.

“If I felt like I couldn’t be with your father because I loved Jacob, too, and I also refused to be with Jacob for loving your father, no one would have ended up happy. And they were both selfish in their pursuits, too. 

“If your father had chosen to be selfless and let Jacob win, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

She took my face in her hands and I felt the maternal wisdom she carried in her few twenty six years on Earth.

“Be selfish for love and selfless in love. It’s all we can do to be selfish in finding someone and then selfless in devotion.”

I pursed my lips, still thinking of Jacob. I didn’t want him to get pushed aside twice, but I wasn’t really pushing him aside. This was different. Nothing had changed between Jacob and I. I wouldn’t be ashamed to tell him about Nahuel.

I was overwhelmed with a fear that I was assuming too much for Nahuel. Surely, he didn’t love me just because he kissed me but… I felt him. I felt him echo every desire I had in perfect time with me.

“I love him.” the words dropped from my tongue like an accident. I scrambled to find a way to pull the words back in. I hadn’t thought it through before it tumbled from me like a disaster. I tried to find the pieces and pick them up. 

_No, no, no, no, no…. Take it back… take it back…_

I couldn’t speak but I knew she could feel it all in the pulse under my skin.

_Take it back, take it back… I don’t think that. I didn’t mean it. That’s wrong. I barely knew him… I barely…_

I thought just his name.

Nahuel.

The way it pulled things from my chest made me want to run away. I was embarrassed. This wasn’t the way my life was supposed to go!

I hadn’t even admitted to myself how I thought things were supposed to go. 

After Jacob had told me about the imprint it made me feel like fate had scripted that we were going to just look at each other like that one day and be… mates or something?

“Okay, calm down, calm down.” Mom caressed my cheek, trying to draw me out of my head.

“I feel like such a kid.” I was embarrassed at myself but realized… Nahuel had never once made me feel like I was any less than him. He never treated my like I was younger… he treated me like an equal. It was no good.

“It’s too soon.”

“Is it?”

I thought about it. Mom was right. She and Dad had fallen in love almost immediately, Rosalie had picked Emmett out and saved him and wanted him so much that she carried him all the way to Carlisle to change him, despite the temptation of his blood. Alice had been waiting for Jasper even before she met him.

I thought of the way Nahuel’s eyes met mine across the room at my party.

Was it possible that it was meant to be?

Was there more fate between Nahuel and I than there was between me and Jacob? And if fate wasn’t a contributor… I knew what I wanted.

“Should I tell everyone?”

Mom looked at me without an answer on her face.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“It’ll come up. It’s not like he’s…” It’s not like there was anything between us besides that. I kept trying to tell myself but I remembered the emotions in his touch. 

The two of us made our way back into the house, me more nervous than ever, afraid that despite the confessions I had made, I would have imagined the magnetism behind them. I wondered if I had made it all up in my head after all.

Everything looked too normal as I walked in. It was as if everything in my head came from another planet.

Except Nahuel.

He had moved over to stand by Huilen and I was struck by the similarity in their features. He had undone his long hair and was running his fingers through it, picking pieces to rebraid it. He was wearing the same shirt he had been, rolled up at the sleeves but unbuttoned, revealing the shirt underneath.

I blushed, knowing that at least the first few buttons had been me.

Huilen’s hair was longer than Nahuel’s, and she shared the same rich brown skin; there was a softness to her that was beautiful, but not nearly in the same way Nahuel was. He looked at me and the rest of the room might as well not have been there.

“I was thinking of getting cleaned up. May I use your bathroom?” he gestured upstairs to Alice or Jasper or Emmett or anyone who was going to answer.

“Of course,” Dad said. “There’s one at the end of the hall. It’s fully stocked. Take whatever you need.”

“Thank you very much for your hospitality.”

He turned to leave the company, looking at me very briefly before climbing the stairs, smiling. There was no way every vampire in the room could not tell how my heart skipped a beat.

It wasn’t two minutes later that Zafrina came in.

“Zafrina!” I jumped up, having neglected her all day. I tried to push aside the knowledge that there was one more murder mystery unfolding in Seattle.

“Renesmee. How are you feeling? Older?” she laughed.

“As old as I’ll ever be. I feel like being around all of these vampires has been a bad influence. They told me I wasn’t allowed to get older and just like that, I stopped.”

“I am sure I said so, but I was very worried for you. I am glad you will be around for a long time, yet.”

“ I was thinking that tomorrow we might be able to hang out and you could show me how you project your visions onto others. I wonder if I will ever be able to do it without physical contact.”

In fact, I was sure I could not. My power was getting stronger and developing a new flavor, one that was more receptive than offensive. Even so, I wanted an excuse to hang out with her. Also i wanted an excuse to not be with Nahuel.

I wondered if I was not associating with Huilen enough but she had actually taken to the family quite well, especially to Esme. It didn’t seem as if lacking my company was rude.

“I think that would be wonderful!”

I hoped like I never had before that it would start raining soon. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with myself and I wanted an excuse, no matter how small, to stay in the main house tonight.

It did not.

“It’s kind of late.” I gestured self consciously upstairs. “I think I’m going to get some sleep.” I started backing up the stairs. “See you in the morning, Zafrina.”


	17. Like This

It was my bedroom.

It was not weird to go to my bedroom.

It was not weird to sleep in my bedroom.

I had offered it to Nahuel but maybe he wasn’t going to sleep and was going to go back downstairs. _I_ didn’t know.

Every moment we spent apart I thought of how unlikely we would be together. He seemed like so… _much_. 

I sat against my pillows in the same place Nahuel had the night before. I knew it was likely that I was being watched in my mind, but I didn’t care. Things were how they were.

“Renesmee.” I turned to look in the doorway where Nahuel was standing. 

He was wearing jeans and a long sleeved shirt similarly pushed up to his elbows. He had washed his hair but had obviously dried it the best he could with a towel. It was the first time I had really seen it unbraided. It was dark, falling past his shoulders but not not as long as Huilen’s. It was… I took a deep breath.

“Nahuel.”

We looked at each other, mere feet away but with a hungry hopelessness between us.

“Did you want to come in?”

“Should I?” he was cautious as if there was an invisible line between us that he was afraid to cross.

“Yeah.” I scooted over as if he would want his spot back. I held out my hand. He sat down softly, not even putting his feet on the bed.

“You look like you’re going to tell me something bad.” I said, about to pull my hand away, as he didn’t take it. Before I could, he reached to take hold of it.

He laughed, still holding my hand carefully, like a baby bird.

“That’s not it.” he smiled. “I’m not sure how to do right.”

I tilted my head to the side.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you are beautiful.” He turned my hand over, still cradling it gently. “You are many things, but mostly you make me want you. I did not expect to feel this way. When I came here, this was not… it did not occur to me that I might feel something like this.”

There was an intense tugging inside of me that I tried to push aside.

“Do you think it’s because of what I am?”

“No.”

He surprised me with the certainty in his tone.

“I feel closely to you because of what we are, but that is aside from _who_ you are.” 

His thoughts ebbed into my reaction. His eyes held mine.

“I don’t know how to not want you.”

I wanted to surrender myself completely, my abstract thoughts a dangerous thunder of already kissing him and him kissing me back… our faces still a foot and a half apart. Our emotions crashed into each other while we sat at an innocent distance apart with nothing but my hand in his.

In that simple touch we bartered so much.

He knew I wanted him, too.

I knew how much.

The motions of our construction were abstract, but it felt warmer than his hands would have felt on my skin, more intimate than our bodies might be entwined. I thought that, though, and it brought new sentiments into our intoxication.

His eyes never left mine, dark and captivating. And I could see everything behind them.

Too much.

I thought to pull my hand away and save ourselves from the spiraling, but he could feel my reluctance to do so. His gentle touch was suddenly urgent, his hand clasped meaningfully around mine. 

His lips found mine and our minds slowed into a calm concept… simple… powerful.

He heard it in my head but I wanted him to hear it out loud, trembling words, soft in fear but strong in truth…

“I don’t know how to not want you.”

He kissed me.

_I don’t know how to not want you._

My lips knew how to speak without my tongue, without breath and I knew my lips were telling him so much without the words leaving my mouth.

_I want you._ I heard his voice in my throat as his lips moved from my jaw to my neck.

“Then don’t stop.” my voice was a whisper. 

We were too far.

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._ We thought in unison. 

He broke away with a chuckle.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” he shook his head, smiling, looking at me.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this.” I agreed. 

“But…” I continued cautiously. “That doesn’t mean it can’t be.”

I knew what I was saying. I was giving him permission to want me. I was giving him permission to be more. I was giving him an opening outside of our minds. I felt, certainly, that he was going to turn away, let me go, change the conversation.

“Is it too soon?” he asked.

“Maybe.”

I held his hand.

“There is no regret for me in your eyes.” he said, looking into them as if trying to prove himself wrong. “I have had a century and a half to understand myself. I know myself this much, that what I feel now… it is not too soon for me.”

It was a peril and a blessing of our life. When you live a long time, changes come in conclusions. If something was meant to be, fate aside, if something was going to work out in the end, now was the same as another decade or century. It was why vampires found mates the way they did.

When you had a mature mind and intelligent thoughts and acute senses and intense emotions, it was easier to figure things out more quickly. One thing was that everything between us was as if it had already happened, so natural that it was like the future was replaying itself where we were now.

“I can’t think of what will change between now and when we call it like it is.” I reasoned.

Nahuel got all of the way on the bed, finally, reclining exactly how he had the night before, except instead of his hands behind his head, they were wrapped around one of mine. I put my other hand on top, still cautious about the electricity between our skin.

“It’s just that, for years, I changed so fast that it felt like changing was all I did. I fear that. I fear that what seems so sure now will betray me later.

“I’m scared for a lot of things, but mostly you.”

“Mostly me?”

“I’m worried we will find another woman like me and you won’t think about me like that anymore.”

“Am I so simple? It is nice that you are like me, but that’s not the reason I want you. And if another woman was like us, she would not be you.

“What about me? If you are so worried that our shared species binds us, I should think you will run away the first chance you find another man like us?”

“Of course not!”

I thought of Nahuel’s eyes… I thought of how just the sight of him struck me. I thought of how he had thought for a moment, six years before, that he might live another way and decided to hunt animals. I thought of the way he smiled so easily. I remembered how he was with Huilen and how he spoke about family. I thought of his father and how Nahuel had refused to join him.

His biological nature wasn’t what made him himself. 

Nahuel sat up to face me more purposefully.

“May I kiss you again?”

I nodded, barely, suddenly overwhelmed.

It was soft, intentional.

_I love you._

I kissed him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @EMHW_Bear Thank you so much for your comments on this and for being my first Bookmark :)


	18. South America

I woke up to a soft touch brushing a curl out of my face. The line it traced buzzed with electricity, waking me up in a not altogether chaste mood. 

“You didn’t sleep,” I murmured, eyes still closed.

“There was something distracting me.”

I opened my eyes and leaned up, kissing Nahuel. His hair fell slightly to the side, making the moment feel just a bit more private. He smelled good.

“Mm, we should remove the distraction next time.”

He kissed me again.

_Maybe I like distractions._

_If you like distractions, I’m sure I could find a way to distract you further._

“You are a dangerous woman, Renesmee Cullen.”

_I’m just taking what I want._

“You’re hanging out with Zafrina today?”

“Hmm.” I was. Nahuel gave me some space and I sat up. I thought about needing to get time with Zafrina before she left and had been completely forgetting that Nahuel and Huilen were going to leave, too.

“When are you going back?”

“Going back isn’t exactly my priority.”

“But Huilen won’t want to stay here.” And I knew he wouldn’t leave his aunt alone. And I didn’t want to leave the Cullens. I was already worried about the limited time I had with Charlie before we’d inevitably have to move.  
But we would inevitably have to move, and certainly we could wait that long to be together. And I could visit. I’d never had cougar. 

Thinking about logistics made the situation seem flimsy and stupid, as if these feelings weren’t real and wouldn’t matter later. 

“I’m going to get a shower.” I ruffled through the closet and pulled out a white lace tank top, jeans, and a green-grey cardigan to change into. I was still feeling conflicted.

I got cleaned up and made my way downstairs, oddly surprised to see Jacob there, sitting with Zafrina, Nahuel, Huilen and the rest of the family.

“Hey.” I said, trying not to sound to shocked. He was always there, why did I think it would be different? “Zafrina, are we still on for practice today?”

I looked to acknowledge that Kate and Garrett were also there.

“Kate, Garrett, good to see you.”

“Happy belated birthday!” Kate smiled. 

“Congratulations on surviving childhood.”

Something about acknowledging my recent childhood with Nahuel in the room made me edgy.

“Of course, we will still spend time together, but now Esme is drawing me.”

“We can start again later, but she’s already been still for so long. I just need fifteen more minutes.” Esme added.

“Take your time, I’ll be here.”

I leaned up against a wall, facing Nahuel, Huilen, Jacob, and Zafrina, who was staring more at the wall than at any of us.

“How’s Sam’s car?”

“It’ll run. We’re probably going to have to order a part or two if we can’t find them at a scrap yard, but it has a life yet to live. What have you guys been up to?”

“I took Nahuel hunting yesterday.”

“You went hunting in the city?” Jacob looked skeptical.

“No, he eats like us, now.”

Jacob peered at Nahuel with an odd expression while Nahuel remained casual.

“That’s convenient.”

“I guess?” I looked at Nahuel as if apologizing for Jacob being so weird. 

“Did you guys have fun?”

“Sure. Nahuel caught his first bear.”

“I told Renesmee that I was going to have to have her visit us so she can hunt a cougar. Our wildlife is similar, but I personally think it’s more diverse.”

“I can’t wait.” I smiled eagerly.

“I’ve never been to South America.” Jacob mused.

“Maybe that would be a fun thing for you to do one day.” 

“When were you thinking of going?”

I looked at Huilen and Nahuel. I hadn’t actually spoken to them about it, officially.

“I was wondering… I don’t know if it’s too bold of me to ask if I could go with you guys when you travel back.”

I hated inviting myself like that but it had come up in the moment so seamlessly.

“That would be wonderful!” Huilen was enthusiastic. I had been expecting her to be protective of her private relationship with her nephew. “The Cullens are family, now.”

I smiled, raising my eyebrows at Nahuel.

“Thank you.” I addressed Huilen. “I am so excited to see Chile.”

Jacob looked like he was chewing his words.

“You’re going alone?”

“I’d be going with Huilen and Nahuel.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I don’t care.” 

I knew my words were harsh and that Jacob was just being protective but we needed to start picking and choosing where to draw the lines in our relationship. If he needed something from me, or wanted something, he needed to use his words. 

“I’m going to wait for you out on the porch, Zafrina.”

I walked out front. The last time I had been out here I had been telling my mom that I was falling in love with Nahuel. 

The time before that I had been clearing the air with Jacob. I remembered his face as I implied there was anything romantic between us. That was embarrassing. At least it was over now.

I heard the door shut behind me to see none other than Jacob come to sit next to me.

“I don’t know about you going down to South America with those two. I don’t like how he looks at you.”

I raised one eyebrow.

“Really? Because _I_ like the way he looks at me.”

I met his eyes as Jacob looked at me for a long moment.

“I’m just protective of you.”

“I know.” I took a deep breath. “And I appreciate that, I really do. But you don’t need to worry about how Nahuel looks at me.”

Jacob resituated himself on the step.

“I guess I shouldn’t worry too much. That guy doesn’t stand a chance with you; you’re way too good for him. Besides, any guy is gonna treat you right if he knows what’s good for him.”

“About that…” I trailed off.

I took a deep breath.

“Nahuel and I are kind of…” _together?_ I couldn’t think of how to phrase exactly what we were. I thought of showing Jacob but most of the memories with Nahuel were private.

I thought of the most chaste kiss between us… the one where he told me he loved me. I left that part out and touched Jacob’s arm, showing Nahuel and I sitting on my bed upstairs.

Jacob’s face was somewhere between flat and horrified. He barely reacted.

“Is that a fantasy of yours?” he managed.

“No, Jacob that’s our… relationship.”

“He kissed you!?”

I gestured for Jake to keep his voice down.

“Everyone doesn’t know yet; just Mom and Dad and now you. And we kissed each other. Don’t make it sound like he came onto me.” I blushed as the thought of him pushing me against the wall and me fumbling with his shirt…  
I forgot my hand was on Jacob’s arm and promptly removed it.

“Sorry. That was… private.” I bit my lip.

Jake’s features locked into place and I could see an anger starting to burn in him.

“He’s taking advantage of you. It’s wrong. You’re too young… He’s over a century and a half…”

“We’re the same age.” I stood up with confidence, unwavering. “And you know what? He doesn’t condescend to me or think of me as a little kid. I don’t need you to understand, I just need you to not mess this up.”

“I don’t like it…”

“I don’t care!” My words were sharp and, although spoken in a whisper, were borderline shrill. “I’m not living my life for your approval.”

I sighed, calming down.

“I think…” I thought of how hard the words were to say to my mother and how much harder it was now. I remember her telling me, once, that Dad had never felt like her boyfriend but rather, from the start, they were something more.

“I think he’s my Edward. 

“I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like I just know.”

I thought of how I had woken up just an hour before, with Nahuel so close… the way he had smelled and the way our lips moved together… the way our minds worked together.

I wanted to be fair, but I was selfish. The thing was, there was nothing to feel bad about. I loved someone who loved me back and Jacob couldn’t imply that there was supposed to be anything more between himself and me than there was.

Why did it feel like I was going to hurt Jacob when he had told me no such thing? Was it because my mom had? 

Jacob hadn’t said anything when I asked him, which meant it was too late.

“I leave for two days and I come back and you’ve got yourself a boyfriend?”

I didn’t like Nahuel being called my boyfriend. 

“Something like that.”

His face took on a different expression, almost mocking in its exaggerated wistfulness.

“They grow up so fast.”

“Oh shut up.” I shoved his arm, glad that there really was nothing weird between us.

“He’s so _old_.”

“He’s like Jasper’s age or something.” 

“He’s older than your dad.”

“We’re both eighteen forever.” I shoved him toward the house. “Go and let me hang out with Zafrina in peace.”

He gave me his usual big grin.

“Okay, okay.” he said, opening the door.

I raised my eyebrows and mimicked my lips being sealed.

He rolled his eyes and copied the motion, implying my secret was safe for now. 

Today… I’d tell everyone today, I was sure of it. I wasn’t hiding anything… it just seemed like a big deal. It seemed like a bigger deal than my birthday and there had been two parties and cake for that.


	19. Gifts

Zafrina seemed on a personal high after having Esme do her portrait.

“I have lived a long time and never had my likeness captured such. Esme is a talented woman.”

“She designed my parent’s cottage. It’s beautiful; we should show it to you some time.”

“That sounds lovely.”

I smiled.

“I kind of had something I wanted to run by you.”

“Of course.”

“You remember how you suggested that one day I might be able to project my gift without touching anyone? Well, I was wondering if you had ever received imaged back.”

Zafrian shook her head lightly.

“Has that happened to you?”

I took her hands in mine and pushed the concept to her. I could feel, in response, her curiosity and amazement.

“I can feel my thoughts converge with yours like a conversation.” she mused. “How long have you been able to do that?”

“Less than a week. I don’t know what or what triggered it. The only people who know is Jacob and Nahuel and you. I’ve been avoiding coming into contact with anyone. I wanted to learn why it was happening and how it worked before I started using it.”

Zafrina stood thoughtful for a moment then walked back to the house. I waited, confused.

“Kate, can you come to us?” she asked. I could almost imagine Kate’s quizzical expression but moments later I saw her come out and into the yard.

“Show Kate what you showed me.”

I was cautious as I grabbed Kate’s hands, remembering her ability to send painful shocks into anyone she touched. Once we had spoken in her mind she released my hand and watched me quizzically.

She nodded.

“I think it’s a gift of touch.” she looked at Zafrina. “But that is strange coming from a shield mother and a psychic father, two mental gifts. 

“I have been trying many years to use my gift psychically, with no success, but now I can use my whole body for what was, once, just my palms.”

“But yours doesn’t work on my mom, but mine does...

“I haven’t found a part of my body where it didn’t work.”

“How did it start?”

Zafrina and Kate looked from each other to me.

“I got an involuntary response to a question I asked. They don’t have to consciously respond, it just has to occur to them, even if subconsciously and for a split second.”

“Like Aro?” Kate whispered.

“Like her father.” Zafrina chimed in.

“I can only hear what my father would, what someone is thinking at the moment. But I have to touch them, like Aro.

“I’ve been able to do it casually, like we just did now, but it was sparked by a passionate conversation. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it.”

“I think it’s marvelous, but I don’t understand why you haven’t brought it up to anyone.” Kate commented.

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to make it a ‘ta-da, look what I can do’ sort of thing. I don’t know why. Maybe I had hoped that Zafrina could help me project it.”

“If she can I would love to know that, too.”

I thought of how lethal Kate would be, zapping her foes in the middle of a battlefield, like Zeus with his lightning bolts. 

“When are you going to tell your family about Nahuel?” Kate remarked. I looked at her in surprise.

“It’s possible for people to be more ignorant of things when they are close to the subject. You guys are pretty obvious, though.”

“Oh no.” I could feel my face heating up.

“I was surprised it was not the wolf,” Zafrina stated plainly. “Not that I wished it, personally. He smells terrible.”

“Jacob is why I haven’t said anything to my family.”

Glad for fresh and uninvolved ears, I told Kate and Zafrina everything, from the imprint and the conversation in the woods all the way into Jacob thinking I was into him and then the conversation that had just happened.

Kate and Zafrina exchanged a look.

“You think Edward and Bella did not tell you about the imprint so that when you are of age and heard about it for the first time it could be in a romantic context?” Zafrina asked.

I hadn’t thought about it like that but the words she said were exactly what my subconscious had been picking up on that I couldn’t put into words.

“Because if they had told you a long time ago, it would not be a big deal now?”

“I mean, when you say it like that…”

Kate wasn’t saying anything and I wondered what she was thinking.

“You just need to tell them. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you’re thinking it will be.”

I took a deep breath.

“You’re right.”

The three of us walked to the house.

Jacob had sat back down exactly where he was, looking hard at Nahuel who was bordering between being pleasant and just ignoring him. I walked over to Nahuel and rested a hand on his arm. I looked up into his eyes, feeling Jacob watch us the whole while.

_Do you think we should tell them?_ I asked. 

I searched his eyes as, for a short while, I was met with silence.

_Are you worri-_

_I’m not worried._ I cut off his thought too quickly. _I was just worried… my subconscious filled in for me. I was just worried maybe you…_

My mind implied, quite abstractly, that I could not maintain object permanence and kept thinking that what was between us was in my head and that he didn’t like me. I blushed, mad at how childish and insecure my thought was.

“I like you.” he said in a voice only I could hear, smiling. 

“Okay.” I smiled back, nerves on my face and in my hands.

Take Huilen out and tell her and I’ll… bring it up to everyone in here.

I looked around, nearly hoping that someone would be missing so I could make an excuse. No, they were all here.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

I walked closer to the center of the room and stood by where my parents were, but in full view of everyone. Was this the best way to do it? At least I was getting it over with all at the same time. I wasn’t sure if my mannerisms held intention because all of the eyes followed me.

“I can’t do it,” I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

I looked over at Jacob. He seemed uncertain but tried to give me an encouraging smile.

“I have to tell you guys something....” I was met with silence and looked up to see them all waiting patiently, like a collection of statues. The ‘telling everyone at once’ thing was definitely a bad idea. Kate reached my attention and nodded.

“I like Nahuel.”

It came out in one breath and then was over. It was silent for just a moment.

“Finally!”

“I thought she was never going to tell us.”

“Thank you!”

Everyone had some mixture of relief on their face.

“Did you tell them?” I asked Mom. I looked at Dad.

“Ness, you’re like, really, really obvious.” Emmett laughed. “As soon as you came in yesterday, we all knew.”

“You underestimate how easy it was to see that coming.” Alice mused.

Rosalie didn’t say anything but held her mouth tight as if she were still thinking about it. Jasper smiled calmly.

“Congratulations.” Carlise said, Esme echoing the sentiment a moment later.

I pouted.

“You all saw me stressing about this the whole time and you knew!”

“That’s what you get for not telling us sooner.” Alice was smug. 

I looked at Jacob. He hadn’t known. I could tell as much from his face when I told him. I was glad, now, that I had. It hadn’t mattered to me if he was the first to know, but I didn’t want him to be the last.

“It’s been one day!”

I sat down on the couch with Emmett and Garrett and Kate.

“Does Huilen know?” I looked around warily only to be met with uncomfortable glances, more to each other than to me. She had seemed happy about the thought of me going south with them to visit…

I wished I could communicate telepathically to ask Nahuel how it was going. He still felt like a stranger when he wasn’t near and I forgot how I could have fallen so quickly and that maybe I was wrong. He wasn’t familiar and it made me anxious for something that was so new and strange… unlike anything I had ever experienced before.

I felt the fear, even knowing that as soon as I saw him it would all come flooding back to me.

He was like a dream; too much to be believed in the real world, awake… alone.

“None of you know if she knows?” I asked softly. No one responded. The time passed. It had been awhile. 

I got up to peek out the front window, guilty about not giving them complete privacy. Nahuel and Huilen were both sitting on the front steps, him holding her hand. I closed the curtain before they could see me.

“It’s not my business.” my voice was low, concerned.

“I’m going to go for a walk.” I announced to the public, walking the other direction out of the back door and into the woods.


	20. The Walk

I walked slowly, at a human’s pace, watching the details of the forest under the shifting light of the passing clouds.

I didn’t know where I was going… there was no clearing my head.

Nothing was anything. 

Nahuel and I weren’t even together. I wasn’t sure. We had both made some pretty heavy declarations.

I wanted to be critical of the situation, which I could be objectively, but anytime I pictured his face I gave in all over again. It didn’t seem right… not bad, rather… too good. I wanted him too much, which was easy to forget if I was being logical.

I heard a soft rustling in the brush behind me.

I turned back to see a large brown wolf, almost the size of a horse. It walked up to me cautiously and I held my hand out to touch him.

“You shouldn’t have followed me.”

_You looked like you didn’t want to be alone._

_I’m just thinking._

_About him…?_

_...Yeah._

_He’s not so bad… if you’re into that kind of thing._

I stood back enough to look Jacob in the face.

_Liking him doesn’t change how I love you. I know you know that, but I thought I might say it anyway._

_Pfft._ The wolf rolled his eyes. _He’s not competition. If it was a competition, I’d win._

I smiled.

_Of course._ I rolled my eyes back at him. The two of us had always been competitive. He was right, if it was a competition he’d be in it to win.

_I really like him._

_Shiny new toy._ He thought.

_Well, it’s not going to matter if Huilen doesn’t like it._

Jake snorted.

_What does that matter?_

_She’s his only person. If it comes down to it, I’m not coming between them. He barely knows me. Huilen is his world._

Jake paused to gather his thoughts.

_If anyone would be worth trading the world for, it’s you._

I nuzzled into his fur in the best excuse for a hug that I could give.

_Thank you._

We kept walking a ways, me keeping my hand on his side, finding radiating comfort there. 

_I’m glad you’re back. I didn’t see you much this week._

_Maybe it was for the best._ He thought for Nahuel. I thought of him, too. 

_Are you implying I would have been too distracted with you to notice him?_ I laughed. 

The wolf did its best impression of a shrug.

“It’s not like that.”

You _didn’t know that._

I growled.

_Would you let it go that for two whole days I entertained the idea. I_ barely _entertained the idea. Mostly I cringed away from it with discomfort._

_Admit it, I’m way cooler than him. For a moment, you were into the idea of me and you._

I stopped and looked at him grumpily. 

_In the name of honesty I did, for a whole half of a second, think that maybe I could fall in love with Jacob Black. I’m glad you set me straight, though. If you hadn’t told me off… maybe there would have been competition._

I thought about it.

_No, not even then._

I didn’t receive anything back from Jacob.

_I won’t apologize for it,_ I thought. _I’m not embarrassed. I was confused. I straightened myself before you had to say anything. I’m only embarrassed that for a whole half a second I thought you might want me like that._

He still didn’t respond. I wondered if my gift had stopped working. It was a shame because it was much easier when I could talk to him like this. I took my hand away and we kept walking.

He pushed against me,

_Where are we going?_

“I don’t know. I figured I’d get curious about what was happening at the house eventually.”

_The cliffs?_

I thought back to the last time we had been there, all of the things I had thought and the things we had said. I cringed away from the idea, not ready to mix the memory of that with my fear about Nahuel.

_I understand._

_You always do._ I thought again. _It worked out right. We really aren’t like that. It’s too easy._

_Too easy?_

_Yeah. Like breathing._

A memory flowed unwelcome into my mind.

_‘It would be easy with us… like breathing.’_ he said to my mom.

“It can’t be helped that my relationship with you gets me compared to my mom. It’s still wretched. I don’t want to be Bella 2.0 when my mom is right here. My mom. And-!”

I put my hand back on him, realizing I had started using my hands to be animated.

_I can’t tell if you really think that you loved my mom because you were going to one day imprint on me. There are so many reasons that is horrible._

_If you had ended up with her,_ I continued, _I would never have been born. Were you always going to be imprinted on her unfertilized child?_

_But beyond that is that you loved my mom romantically. You_ kissed _her._

_I’m not her and I wonder-_

The subconscious thought came out before I could filter it.

_I wonder if you’re still in love with her._

I felt that I had crossed a line and backed up a few steps, guilty.

“I’m sorry.”

Jake aggressively pushed his head in my hand.

_I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOM!_

“Yeah, I know, I know, I apologized.”

I brushed his fur.

_You know, Leah is pretty hot._

_No, please. Don’t you go trying to play matchmaker with me._

_I like her._

_I don’t think I’m her type._ In his head he seemed disgusted, that she was not his type. Then he thought of Sam.

Sam? I pictured Jake wanting Sam.

_No, you stop trying to come up with things! I’m not gay. No, Leah and Sam used to be together. I still don’t know if she’s over it._

_Emily?_

_Yeah,_ the wolf breathed out a heavy sigh. _Sam and Leah were dating when Sam imprinted on Emily._

_Emily is an imprint?_ Sparks went off in my brain. Sam and Emily were soulmates. It would not have occurred to me to put their domestic, romantic relationship in the same category as Jacob’s protective relationship with me.

_Yeah, so are Jared and Kim._

Romantic. Not like us. But the relationship Jared had with Kim was the same… Jared looked at Kim the same way Sam looked at Emily. The same way everyone in my family looked at their mate.

_And Rachel and Paul._

The same. They were the same as everyone else.

Then another image came into my head of Jacob’s friend Quil and an eight or nine year old girl. Imprint. Before I was born.

“So, like us?” I said out loud, but I was riding the tail end of Jacob’s thought, a bare wisp of something that I knew he hadn’t meant for me to see. He thought Quil and his imprintee were going to end up together.

I cringed.

No.

I thought of Emily and Kim and Rachel and how happy they all were and how intimate they seemed with their partners, looking at them like they were the best thing on Earth. 

“But not us.” I said. 

Maybe all imprints were different, but as I saw it, the only ones that were not utter, romantic soulmates, were the ones that were children. 

_You think the girl will love Quil like that?_

Jake tried to evade the question but his subconscious leaked an honest _‘yes’_ to me.

“But you weren’t going to tell me that. I had to ask.” 

I doubled back on myself, stopping by a tree and crossing my arms.

“Maybe I’m being obnoxious, but can you blame me for being curious? Why are there so many things people haven’t been telling me?” I looked into his eyes, predicting a question I knew he hadn’t asked. “Yes! It’s relevant. It pertains to my life. It’s relevant!”

What if I loved Nahuel and he imprinted on someone else? Poor Leah. Was an imprint more binding than personal choice? Did fate choose one’s soulmate? Could you have more than one?

I wasn’t going to spend my whole life pretending that Jacob and I were supposed to be romantic, but I couldn’t ignore all of the implications.

I looked at him plainly.

No, it wasn’t like that.

Nahuel felt like something I was playing at. It felt like I was a child pretending I knew what love was. I tried to think of his face, but I kept shutting down the emotions that came with it. I wasn’t letting myself want him, not really.

I leaned against the tree. 

I didn’t even want Nahuel! I wasn’t looking for him. I wasn’t expecting anything. We fell into each other on accident. 

I remembered actively being dismissive of Nahuel coming for my birthday. I remember being apathetic to his presence. I remembered every circumstance around him that I was dismissive of. No part of me had expected to love him.

Love him… did I?

The way we had fallen into each other… I couldn’t let myself want him, but if I did… if I let myself slip and really let myself want, for just a second… he would have all of me. It was terrifying.

“I wonder what happens if two people imprint on one person.” I muttered, not to Jacob or myself in particular.

Jacob tilted his head and rolled his eyes. I could tell he was saying it didn’t work like that.

Love is selfish.

I closed my eyes.

I went back to patting Jacob’s side, an action that had always been comforting.

_I almost wish I hadn’t told you._

I _almost wish you hadn’t told me._ I thought. _But I’m glad I know. Rather, it’s better to know. I’d rather know six years late rather than never._

I could feel confusion run through Jacob’s skin.

_You’re just upset I didn’t say anything sooner?_

_Sure._ I replied. _I might have gotten used to the idea in a more innocent context than in juxtaposition with the day that was always going to be considered my indicator of maturity. How could anyone have expected me to not put the pieces together, that you were waiting for a time when I could receive that information in a context of ‘maturity’?  
I get that isn’t how it is now, but even seeing it in conjunction with the other imprinted couples, I don’t think it was dumb of me to come to that conclusion._

A subconscious thought rolled through him.

_Maybe we were._

“Maybe you were what?” I wanted him to audibly hear my question so there was no mistake.

_Nothing._

“Bullshit.”

_Language._

“No, I’m calling bullshit. Maybe you guys were what?”

_I don’t think I like this new gift of yours._

“Maybe you were _what_?”

_Forget it, nevermind._

“You tell me, Jacob Black.” I didn’t mind, in this moment, using our bond against him. I was upset and intrigued enough to pull on that string.

He still fought me. I felt like I was waiting for a pet to spit out something he wasn’t supposed to eat. _Jacob, you spit that out now!_ Trying to reach into the mouth behind the teeth and roll it off the tongue before he could swallow.

_Maybe we were waiting until you could put it in that context… but that was then._

_So…_ I started after a long pause. _You’re saying that you guys thought it might be romantic between us, but as we got older you realized it wasn’t like that._

_Pretty much._

I sighed with relief.

_Thank goodness! I knew something felt off and it doesn’t anymore. I understand. I get it. That makes so much sense!_

The pieces of the puzzle were finally put together. I could see the whole picture.

It felt like it was supposed to be romantic because that’s what everyone else had expected, too. Everyone else looked at Emily and Kim and Rachel and saw me fitting with Jacob just like they fit with Sam and Jared and Paul.  
I was actually really proud that Jacob hadn’t fallen in love with the idea of falling in love with me, and I told him as much through my touch.

_Give me some credit, Monster._

I rolled my eyes.

_You know, I have been told that I’m quite a catch. I get being repulsed by me because you’ve known me all my childhood, but implying that I’m beneath your standards is harsh._ I teased.

_I mean falling in love with the idea of love._

I thought of Mom, but like a question. 

_Was it real?_

He paused.

_Love is complicated. There’s lots of different ways to love a person._

I thought of Nahuel again, with the same dull pang of fear. I tried to remember his face when he kissed me or our conversations in my bedroom, but all I could think of was Huilen.

It seemed unreal, but maybe it was only because I had never felt anything like him before. I knew he was practically a stranger. I would never feel that kind of fear with Jacob, but maybe with time I wouldn’t feel that fear with Nahuel either.

I shouldn’t have compared the two. I wouldn’t compare my relationship with Nahuel to that of my father or Carlisle or Emmet or Jasper or Charlie. Was Jacob really any different than family? I wasn’t scared of my parents leaving me. I wasn’t scared they’d realize they didn’t want me.

I thought of how when my father had left, my mom had just let him go, so easily believing that he didn’t really love her, and they had been together for some time, experienced things together… maybe confidence just took time.

_It’ll work out_ Jacob said, but with my gift I could feel that he really wasn’t so sure.

People had three layers of thought that I could pick up on, and I wondered if Dad’s gift worked similarly.

The first layer was what they were thinking at the moment or what they wanted to tell me.

The second was what they weren’t telling me, but something that might pass through their mind involuntarily or that they were holding back. 

The last layer were the things I wasn’t even sure they knew they were thinking. It was like their body was already tuned in on something that they couldn’t actually think yet.

Jacob told me it would work out, but the thing he wasn’t actively thinking was that he didn’t want it to.


	21. Huilen

I didn’t want to go back to the house. It seemed like there was too much there, and not so much out here with just me and Jacob.

I loved him.

I wondered if I would trade my happiness for Jacob’s the way Nahuel might trade his for Huilen’s.

Selfish to love, selfless _in_ love.

_We should go back._ I thought.

_I’m going home._

I looked at the large wolf.

Right. Jacob didn’t live here. I was so used to him being around all of the time, I wondered if he was just giving me some space. Or maybe he didn’t want to be around all of the unfamiliar vampires with their unethical dietary habits.

_Want me to walk you back?_ he offered.

_Nah, I’m good._

The two of us parted ways, Jacob heading back towards the Quileute territory and me heading back to the Cullen house.

There was a homey light that flowed from the house; even though it wasn’t nighttime yet, the clouds felt heavy.

Nahuel was sitting on the back steps, which was the last thing I had expected. I had almost thought, in my worst thoughts, that he and Huilen would have just left.

“She didn’t take it well.” I said as a statement.

He stood to meet me. I thought, at once, of Jacob, telling myself that it was because I had just spoken to him.

To me, they looked nothing alike, but I wondered if before his transformation Jacob and Nahuel might have drawn similarities, if Jacob were not so tall and his hair longer…

Even so, their eyes spoke emotion into their faces and where Jacob's might have seemed comfortable and familial, Nahuel's gaze was cautious and desiring.

Nahuel took a deep breath.

“Huilen and I are all each other had for a long time.”

I nodded, understanding.

“We barely know each other.” I added, maintaining an untouchable distance.

Nahuel crossed the distance easily and I didn’t move. He laced the fingers of his right hand into those of my left and held my face with the other.

_“At least if I have to share you with someone, it’s not your father!”_ I saw Huilen's face.

Nahuel backed the memory up farther, having given me something for me to hold onto while he told the whole story.

The scene opened up in my head and I closed my eyes to experience it fully.

_“I know what you are going to tell me.”_ Huilen said as she and Nahuel made their way into the front yard, almost before the door had shut behind them. Nahuel had watched her face patiently.  
 _“You love that girl.”_

He paused and I could feel the rush of emotion he had felt in that moment. It was almost enough to distract me as it echoed in him now.

_“I love her in a way I didn’t know I could love someone.”_

Huilen looked at him for a long moment.

_“I know.”_ she waited even longer. _“It has been the two of us for so long, but it will not have been the two of us forever. At least if I have to share you with someone, it is not your father!_

_“I like her.”_ Huilen continued. _“I like her a lot. When I saw you look at her from across the room Saturday morning, I knew. I knew before you did.”_

Nahuel sat on the front steps.

Huilen joined him and took his hands.

_“But I wonder if you are not in love with the idea of being with the one who is like you.”_

He shook his head.

_"She is not like me,"_ I could feel the warm affection in his tone.

_"Her heart beats like mine and her eyes," brown, beautiful, hypnotizing, "...are human like mine_

_"But I am not afraid to never know another like my sisters and I, but I am afraid to not know her."_

Huilen looked contemplative. 

_“Does she love you?”_

At once I felt my heart break with uncertainty and I could tell it was his heart in that moment.

_“I don’t know.”_

I realized that for as much as I had told Nahuel that I wanted him and even when he said it back to me and told me that he loved me… I hadn’t said it back. Too soon. We had asked ourselves if it was too soon.

I listened with anticipation and fear, watching Huilen’s face in his memory, waiting for her to ask him to leave me alone.

That was where the memory ended, swirling back to our numb minds, him cradling my uncertainty.

_Fear_

I wondered if, in the same way that I could hear the things people did not yet know that they knew, I wondered if others could hear my most secret heart.

Nahuel pushed my hair aside from my face and I slowly opened my eyes.

He was smiling softly, his intense gaze more riveting to my soul than his memories to my mind. The way my heart stuttered and my breath escaped me, I was reminded of how he stood in front of me, so close, in the cottage... right before we pulled our worlds down together.

His thumb pressed over my lips gently, as if to shush me.

“Don’t say it now,” he searched my eyes and I felt as if maybe he did know something I wasn’t saying.

I knew. Oh, I knew… I was too afraid of that word, though. 

His thumb traced my lower lip and I felt a deep ache of longing from him.

He pulled away, not wanting to go too far.

I didn’t allow him to let go of my hand, holding it with a new purpose, unmoving. I thought of how when I had tried to pull away from him in fear, before, he held my hand in his.

“Nahuel, I thought… Nahuel, I was a coward. I feared the worst. I thought Huilen would help you change your mind. I wish I wasn’t afraid. I wish I…”

A memory came to me of me speaking with my mother, just after I had realized how I felt.

I had been overwhelmed with fear that I was assuming too much on Nahuel's behalf. Surely, I thought then, he didn’t love me just because he kissed me but… I felt him. I remembered feeling him echo every desire I had in perfect time with me.

_“I love him.”_ I told her.

It had slipped out, then, as an accident. I knew that I knew and I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t letting myself.

Briefly, I thought of Jacob.

“You love him.” Nahuel said plainly.

“Not like that.”

He nodded, calm and unfazed. 

“I wish I could tell you what I hear in your heart.” Nahuel mused.

I looked at him curiously.

“Your heart is telling me things. Images. Emotions. They are buried, but they are there. I think, maybe, they are the most true of the things you know.”

I grew frustrated. I wanted to know what they were.

“It is not fair if I tell you,” Nahuel smiled, his expression bright. Whatever he had seen had not hurt him. I wondered. “You have to come to those conclusions on your own.”

His eyes turned mischievous. 

“I could always help you, though.”

I asked if he would show me, waiting for a response to ripple through my hand.

“That’s cheating.” he whispered in my ear, leaning in, his hair brushing my shoulder. I could feel the heat coming from his body, his scent like the smoke from a campfire caught in the rain. “But this isn’t.”

His breath stole mine as he kissed me fiercely and in the one touch I knew the answer he had found in my heart.

I stumbled back a bit under the movement and wrapped my arms around his neck to steady myself, only bringing myself closer, pressed tightly against him. He pulled me in even more, burying his hands in my hair. A fresh enthusiasm built in me.

I got lost between us, a breaking tide, meeting to kiss him and him enveloping me in response. I was buried, each moment automatic. My thoughts tumbled incoherently, bubbling nonsense and truth.

My subconscious mumbled to my tongue.

_I love you._

I was alarmed at my sudden declaration. I said it then and meant it now, still, but Nahuel didn’t pause in revelation. He knew.

I pulled back just enough to speak.

“I love you.”

I said it still as a curiosity. His lips buried my words.

_I know._ He chuckled.

_I love you._ I marvelled again, letting myself own the thought.

_I love you._ The sentiment echoed so I wasn’t sure who said it.

I thought declarations were supposed to feel weighted, but I felt nothing but relief. It just was. Did the sun rise in the East? It didn’t matter if it was said.

Still, I liked the words on my lips, the certainty in my own mind and the confidence to be selfish.

“I love you.”


	22. Decision

“I love you.”

I leaned back to take Nahuel in.

I was caught up once again in how _much_ he was. The places he had been, the sights he'd seen, the life he had experienced.

He reminded me of the trees. The tallest ones in the forest.

You never thought about everything that the trees had experienced as they grew, the years that passed to bring them to their extraordinary height.

Even with their history, the trees were present in the day, as equal in the landscape as the ancient sun and the youthful grass.

There was an implicit wisdom in them both, the trees and Nahuel.

Loving him was like missing him at the same time that he was in front of me, a constant sensation of seeing him as if I had thought before that I might never again.

It was too soon and it shouldn't have happened, but I didn't care about that anymore.

"If we had not kissed yesterday…" Maybe it wouldn't be like this.

_That's not how I knew._ He thought.

_How you knew?_

"For both of us, this was an accident." He murmured, so close to me, hands clasped, holding each of mine. 

"For you," he said, backing away just enough to see my face. "You told your mother before you told yourself."

"What was your accident, then?"

In my mind, I recognized the stormy afternoon at the cottage. 

Nahuel kept pace behind me, the rain picking up as we approached the small house. I opened the door to show him in.

My animated face was dewy from the storm, smiling at him as water dampened ringlets of my bronze hair fell to my shoulders, beads of rain tracing my features.

The image was fleeting.

I walked past him down the hall and he turned to look at the living room. There were so many photographs. He picked up one of me from not long ago, a candid I recognized from a particularly stormy day at the beach, a close up where I was smiling, my hair in utter chaos.

He thought it was cute.

'Of course, now that it’s raining, I suppose we could wait a bit. I don’t mind the rain but I’m not sure it’s worth putting on fresh clothes just to get purposefully drenched.' 

I recognized my own voice coming from the direction of my bedroom.

He smiled and found another photograph of my father, mother, and I. He looked at each of them for a moment but got distracted by me. 

There had been a snow storm and we had built a snowman together. He looked at my face.

I appeared around the corner, drawing his attention away, standing with clothes draped over my arm.

Seeing the photographs and being charmed was suddenly nothing next to me in person.

“You have a nice family.” he looked at the photograph, trying to focus on my mom to distract himself.

He thought of the miraculous circumstance of our family and was happy for us.

“I am happy with Huilen, but sometimes I wonder about what it would be like if my mother had not died. I wonder what it would have been like if my father had truly loved her and what our family might have looked like.

Involuntarily he looked back at me in the photo.

“Seeing your family, though, it doesn’t make me sad. I feel complete in the love between me and my aunt but sometimes… Sometimes I wonder for more.”

There was a sudden longing for family. I saw immediately, though, that the rest of my family was irrelevant.

When he thought 'more' the only image in his mind was me. 

He barely recognized it until he turned to look at me.

He didn't know, then, what he had realized until he was too far gone.

From the photo to me, I was a manifestation, nearly ethereal to him, mesmerizing, compelling, impossible. _I love her_ he thought before he had more than a moment to process the thought.

He reached out to touch me, involuntarily wondering if I was real.

The cool rain on my warm skin, pale features flushing, eyes captivating, hair dark, clinging to my collarbone, lips round and parted, barely breathing…

All it took was one touch and we fell apart.

I came back to the present, unable to believe that the events had only happened twenty some hours beforehand. 

"What are we _doing_?" I marveled. His face was still inches from mine. I smiled playfully, toying with the idea of kissing him again. It might have been coy if my intentions weren't rolling through my palms.

"ARE YOU GUYS COMING IN OR ARE YOU GONNA TALK TWENTY FEET FROM THE BACK DOOR ALL NIGHT?"

Emmet hollered from inside.

I buried my head in Nahuel's shoulder, debating whether or not to be embarrassed. I couldn't help but smile. 

I looked up.

"Coming!"

Nahuel held me to him as I laughed. He switched to having one arm around me as we walked inside.

Two half vampires. How could I have worried about us? It was so natural, like it was meant to be.

It was the first time we were going to be in the same room as everyone else together.

Nahuel squeezed my hand and I squeezed his and together, we walked inside.


	23. Immortal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't posted in awhile, so this is a bit of a chapter dump. I was having a lot of anxiety about it but 'better out than in' Shrek always says. Thank you to everyone who has read this far :)

"You know, in my day it was the role of the father to approve of the man pursuing his daughter and judge his intentions."

Nahuel and I sat on a loveseat across from a chair that my father was sitting in. The entire room was full and they were all doing an adequate job pretending that they weren't listening in.

_God, Dad, shut up! He's older than you!_

He ignored me.

I had seen enough human movies to realize that only in the world of vampires could you be taken seriously in a relationship that had only lasted a day.

I wondered if there was the same taboo in the vampire world of dating someone older than your father. There probably wasn't a lot of data on the subject given the infrequency that vampires successfully reproduced.

"Obviously, I can't control what the two of you do; you're both adults…"

I thought of my dad, born in 1901, cross examining the man that I confessed to loving, who was born sometime in the 1800s. All of this and the three of us looked like high schoolers working on a take home project.

I was trying to be mature in a situation that was balancing between mortifying and comical.

Even thus, I felt older… almost as if I was older than my dad, too. Something about the way he was speaking made him sound like an adult from the early twentieth century but look especially like a seventeen year old boy.

Luckily, my father received none of these thoughts because I didn't think any of them until later. 

At that moment, all I could think of was what the hell I had gotten myself into.

_We kissed a few times. I'm not_ marrying _him._

Dad paid me no attention.

I couldn't even bear to look at Nahuel, I was so uncomfortable. This was making a mountain out of a molehill at its finest. I had never seen Dad like this.

"And I can read minds, so I'll know…"

"Dad, thank you, really, but he's not asking my hand in marriage. I like him. That's it.  
"You can read minds; you know it's nothing more than that."

_And I don't want him to think I like him just because he's the first eligible guy I met! We're making a big deal out of it and it's not a big deal._

Dad looked at Nahuel seriously.

In five minutes I had gone from feeling like Nahuel's equal to feeling like a child playing pretend. This felt like a meaningless charade. There was nothing traditional about what was going on.

"Family should protect family." Nahuel replied in a low, calm voice. "I am understanding you.  
"I do not change often, and I have had many years and reason and opportunity to change my path. I do not choose change for myself without importance and conviction."

Dad was calm.

"I sympathize with you. Still, this is my daughter. And still, you are twenty times her age."

Now I was mad.

_Hypocrite._

"I'm not saying no…"

The room was quiet. I thought I heard a page flip for effect.

"Edward, understand that I have made countless considerations and am yet unwavering."

Nahuel's words were accented in a way that made his English sound natural, but practiced. Despite that, there was the littlest gap of pressure between each and every word that matched the sincerity in his eyes.

I wondered if I might learn to love him one day in a way that was not alarming, but I knew from the way my parents looked at each other, that even they had not come so far.

"Most of the people in this room had a very short courtship and, usually, an immediate convicting connection." Dad said, and I thought of Carlisle recognizing Esme and deciding to change her, of Rosalie undergoing the pain of desiring killing Emmett but instead bringing him back to Carlisle, of Alice telling Jasper, on meeting him, that he had kept her waiting.

Mom had lived a human life, even, but fallen in love with my father immediately after their first real date, which was only half of an evening spent at a restaurant and a car ride.

Even so, I wanted time on my own to explore and understand what was between us without the pressure.

"Nessie is right. You two should have the opportunity to develop on your own," Dad seemed reluctant as he stood up out of his lecture prop.

"They're going to be fine," I heard my mother whisper out of polite earshot. "Renesmee is a smart girl. She'll make good choices."

"I hate to say it," Dad said, obviously sure I wasn't listening. "Somehow I was less concerned when it was Jacob."

They looked like my parents again. T

I sat, frozen.

"I'm sorry." I said to Nahuel. "That was…"

"I like your family. They care about you. And Edward is not wrong. I have been alive much longer than you."

I frowned.

"I think not older, though, than he was for Bella."

I thought about the extra half a century, his hand in mine.

"I mean that she was human and he was a vampire." I knew vampire wasn't his native word for what we were so he said it as if juggling the concept in his mouth.

"Did all of the others love as vampires?"

I thought about it.

"Yes."

"There is a maturity to vampires that make them different than humans. Especially if the human is not a full adult.  
"Your father was not a full adult either, but was still more."

I thought of the immortal children, illegal, what the Volturi had thought I was. I thought of them frozen at their age not just in body, but in mind.

I knew humans didn't fully develop their brain until their early twenties. My parents were so mature, though.

"We are both adults." he stated.

"Are we?"

I kind of thought my aging was stopping off at my parents' age because… that was pretty much how old everyone was besides Carlisle and Esme and Carlisle was frozen at twenty three.

That wasn't logical, though. Humans weren't really done at seventeen but, physically, there wasn't much difference physically between older teens and young adults.

"When you realize you are the age you are and not the age you are told to be, you will see that the differences between us are little.  
"I think he remembers his own love."

_Do you think age matters?_

Nahuel squeezed my hand with a smile.

_When it matters, we'll know better from the consequence than the anticipation._

I felt hesitant in my own mind.

_My age doesn't bother you?_

He laughed and kissed the back of my hand.

"If I was a vampire and you were a newborn, would it seem so strange?"

"Not really," I admitted, not feeling quite as mature in my uncertainty. "I feel that I have so many things I want to ask you."

"Ask me anything."

"Alone." I emphasized.

"Edward," Nahuel said at a conversational volume. "I would like to request permission to take your daughter out with me this evening."

My father looked at the two of us on the couch, juggling the impression of Nahuel's compliance with what I was sure was the reluctance to let us alone, unsupervised.

"Have her back before morning."

I smiled, getting up to kiss my father on the cheek.

"Thank you, Dad."

"Try not to go too far."

I wasn't sure in which way he meant and I didn't think about it.


	24. Stalker

It was seasonably cool, the dark sky blending with the evening, drawing a blurry line between daylight and night. The wind teased my hair.

I closed my eyes and let the scent of rain and pine fill me.

I had nothing to imagine saying, so lost in my surreal moment. 

Nahuel came from behind me, taking my hand.

"I have no idea what to do now."

"Let's take a walk." His voice was low, an absent part of the scenery that opened the world and made it ours.

_Okay._

I wanted to think that it was just a kiss, pretend I was sensible and prudent, and not be the girl who fell for the first guy she met. I couldn't do that and hold his hand.

There were so many silly things I wanted to ask, but also to drink up the moment and let time pass, even though it changed nothing, so that I might sense that it had.

We carved a path where we had not gone before; instead of moving out back of the house, we took off sideways into the equally dense but less used front yard. The forest wasn't different, but there were significantly less bears here.

"I sometimes wish I could hold your hand and you not hear all of my thoughts. I should have worn mittens."

I was met with brief confusion.

"They're the fuzzy things you put on your hands to keep them warm."

We kept going, the pine needles shuffling gently under our feet, sky quiet and heavy.

He held my hand anyway.

"I won't talk to you about something unless you have spoken it, if you prefer."

I thought about it.

"I like you in my head, I just wish my thoughts weren't so thoughtless sometimes. I can't filter out the stupid stuff before you see it."

"I haven't seen anything stupid."

_Really?_ I was antagonistically skeptical.

"What was stupid?"

The thoughts came automatically, unfiltered.

_Do you believe in love at first sight?_

"That is not stupid. Next one."

_If it's not stupid, then answer it-_ my brain slipped. _No, stupid, wait, don't answer that…!_

Nahuel laughed.

"Should I answer it or not, then?"

In the forest, the trees going from grey-green to a haunting blue, the branches leaning lightly in the night breeze… he seemed as much a part of this world as any of it.

"All of my thoughts are yours. I only admit that some shame me."

"I have seen nothing yet that brings shame to you."

_Reeeaaaallly…?_

I raised one eyebrow.

There were things I was unable to say aloud and anything I couldn't have the courage to say with words shouldn't be worth answering.

"I don't believe in love at first sight. Some people know better than me, maybe, but I have not seen it."

I hated that my first instinct was dissatisfaction.

"I think it is possible to know in a moment. I say this… I only think so because…" _you._ He was almost embarrassed which did not strike me as in his character.

I wondered why he thought that way.

_It shouldn't be._

I squeezed his hand.

"Yeah, I know," I said. "But let's just be. Maybe we're wrong about being wrong and right about being right." 

The words were hard to say which is why I chose to speak them. My voice trembled.

He held my chin, face calm but with the same consuming expression in his eyes.

There was a soft crunch. 

Nahuel looked behind me, alert.

_I heard it, too._

If it was a bear, it was a large one. Immediately I recognized the scent.

I growled and Nahuel looked at me curiously.

"It's my overgrown mutt of a babysitter." Then louder, "Who is really bad at stealth."

I waited.

"Just come on out, Jake. The gig is up."

I was immediately glad that Nahuel and I had remained fairly casual. 

There was some shuffling and then a human Jacob Black came out from the farther forest in nothing but cutoff shorts.

"What are you-?" 

I was trying to give some reasons to myself to not be mad, but I was.

"I was just passing through."

"Bullshit, Jacob, this is between the house and nothing."

"I may have heard a noise and been curious…"

"Jacob…"

"If there are unfamiliar vampires in the woods, it's my job to know about them." He said innocently.

I didn't want to fight. I just wished I could be alone. It would have been wiser to try to keep my feelings for Nahuel a secret instead of putting the family on protective high alert.

"Did Dad send you?"

"No."

"Who sent you?"

"No one sent me. I was just…" Jake looked over my shoulder and at Nahuel. "...checking on you."

If I sent him off there was no guarantee he wouldn't still be just a little farther off. I didn't want to spend the whole night looking over my shoulder.

I didn't want to spend my whole _life_ looking over my shoulder.

"Do you want to join us?" Nahuel asked with a genuine politeness to his tone. What was he doing?

"No, really, I…"

"No, join us," I echoed. "We're just taking a walk. It'll be fun. What else are you doing?"

Jake looked around at us as if sensing a trap.

"Great." Nahuel decided for him.

Nahuel took my hand and went back to walking, Jacob now with us.

_I did not see that coming._ I thought.

_He's here for you._

_I know._

_So we are giving him what he wants._

Nahuel was pleasant, but I couldn't place it. He wasn't being kind or polite but it wasn't cunning or antagonistic either. It was almost as if he was waiting.

"What have you been up to, Jake?" He had caught up to keep pace with us after having taken a moment to decide to join. "You said you were going home, so you're back… How's Billy?"

"Uh… Dad is good. Got the parts for Sam's car."

"That's good."

The night felt broken, now. The intimate, calm woods now felt public and social. My focus on the trees and the wind were focused now on directing the current course of events.

I stopped, not really wanting to go farther into the situation or the woods. 

Jake looked at our hands and then at Nahuel.

"You really like her?" He asked, less like he couldn't believe it and more like he was coming to terms with it.

Nahuel's subconscious response was so much more. He looked at me and smiled and I blushed at the thoughts in his touch.

"I do."

Jake kept looking at us.

"And she likes you. That's a good thing… to like each other."

"Yep…" I led, as if he were going somewhere with it.

"Nothing! It's just kinda soon is all. I don't wanna see you get your heart broke."

A growling came to me and it took me a second to realize it was Nahuel. I looked at his calm, composed face and could barely connect it with the anger Jacob's comment had provoked.

"Jake…" I looked at Nahuel the whole time.

"I'm not saying he's going to break your heart… it's just everyone is talking like you guys are together and I thought there was no way you'd jump into something like that, Nessie. You're too smart."

I was mad, too, now. I let go of Nahuel's hand so that we couldn't fuel each other.

"Thank you for being concerned."

It was the moment where if Jake backed off we might be able to de-escalate the situation.

"Just because you're both half bloodsucker..."

"Okay, Jacob Black, you are ruining my evening. I appreciate your concern, I really do, but go be concerned somewhere else. This is not your relationship."

"But it _is_ my relationship."


	25. Mine

" _What_ did you just say to me?"

"Well…" he backed up just a half of a step. "The imprint makes things kind of complicated. I can't _not_ be involved. I'm too tied to you."

"Say that again." I dared him.

"Look, I'll try to be cool about it-"

"This is not a three-way thing, Jacob! When it comes to me, I get you being protective, but don't drag Nahuel into this.  
"You can have the part of me that's yours but you can't have the part of me that's his."

"There aren't multiple parts to you, Nessie, all of you is mine."

" _ **EXCUSE ME?**_ " 

"I didn't mean-"

"I'm not yours."

"Now, just wait…"

"I'm _mine_."

I turned to look at Nahuel who was watching Jacob with an unfathomable expression, arms folded, waiting to see how far he'd go.

"I'm so sorry about this."

I turned back to Jacob.

"What would make you happy, Jacob?" I said, calmly.

"I just want you to be happy."

"No you don't. That's not it. You keep saying that but it's not all of it, is it?  
"Let me rephrase that, Jacob: What am I going to do that triggers conversations like this?"

He didn't respond.

I waited, but he was silent.

"I'm choosing Nahuel."

I turned and left both of them.

When I was far enough away I sat at the base of a tree to cry, my brain too shocked for the tears to flow. 

_"That was dumb."_ I heard Jacob chastise himself in the distance. After a moment he continued. _"You're not going to say anything?"_

_"What should I say?"_ Nahuel replied. _"You want me to say something to help. Something to reassure what you think of us? But you are wrong and my silence or my words do not change that."_

I didn't care about either of them finding me, but I figured Nahuel would. 

I was right. It wasn't two minutes before he noticed me and sat against the tree opposite, giving me space.

"I'm so sorry." My voice cracked. "I'm making this complicated with my age and my dad and Jacob and I don't want it to be complicated because when it's just us two it is the most simple thing."

I struggled to look at Nahuel. His face was so calm and honest. His eyes held my whole heart and it left me utterly vulnerable.

"You are not worth complication," he said in the worst opening to a sentence I had ever heard. "Life is complicated and we face it together. You are not worth something because there is nothing to be worthy of.   
"If there was, though, I can not think of anything that would make you unworthy to me."

I half smiled, brows still furrowed. 

"I still feel bad about Jake. He can't help the imprint." I couldn't look at his face. "Because I'm keeping you as long as you'll have me."

I peeked up at him and he was smiling.

"Is that a promise?"

I smiled too.

"I was really looking forward to having you to myself tonight. Away from the house and people."

"We are alone now."

I listened to the forest. I had been distracted before but I noticed that Jake was gone.

I could sense a bird flying from its nest a mile away. We were alone. Still, I was afraid. I didn't want to hurt him but…

I thought of what mom had said about love being selfish.

"You're sitting over there." I said, simply.

"I wanted to give you room to think."

I hugged my knee and grumbled.

"I wish I didn't love him so darned much so I could be mad at him properly." I thought hard. "I think he'd be well off in a relationship himself. Or if the imprint would just break."

Selfishly, I didn't want that. I _liked_ being bonded to Jacob. I just also realized, now, how limiting that was. I wanted Jacob to be a big part of my world but… not my whole world.

I took a deep breath.

"I talk in my sleep. I mean, not really… I dream. But, with my gift," I wiggled my hands in the air. "I might as well talk in my sleep. And I don't always remember what I dream."

I sighed. Nahuel's eyes were patient. The air was cool.

"I'm going to say everything now while there's not much between us. If you don't mind."

He nodded. I took a deep breath.

"Do you dream?"

"Rarely. The few dreams I have, though, are vivid."

"Well, I dream about Jacob. I guess. That's what he says." I looked up and watched the way the branches of the tall pine tickled each other. 

"In my dreams I kissed him." I took a long pause, keeping my focus up.  
"That confused me, too. I know dreams don't work like that; they aren't literal. And I didn't wish the dreams were real…"

"Why are you telling me this?"

I finally met Nahuel's gaze, which seemed concerned for me, of all things.

"If you ever saw… I didn't want you to think…"

"Do you think I will be jealous?"

"I mean…" Now I felt stupid. "I… guess not?" Not _anymore_.

"He was here first."

The words surprised me.

"But…?" What; Jacob had dibs?

"If you were going to be with him like that, why not already?"

I looked down. Huh.

I picked up a pinecone and tossed it at Nahuel playfully.

"Stop being so understanding about everything!" I mock yelled at him. "You're ruining all other men forever."

"Everything is going according to plan." He teased back, dodging my second pinecone.

I stopped and pointed at him seriously.

"I will have you know that I am a jealous woman."

"I never said I was not jealous." He admitted. "But I am reasonable."

I picked up a pine cone and started picking off spokes.

"Huh."

"Besides," he sat up to lean closer. "Why should I care if he can kiss you in your dreams when I can kiss you while you are awake."

I thought the logic was spotty but the sentiment was nice. He chuckled at my expression.

"What I mean is that I can't be jealous of those who kiss you against your will if you are choosing to kiss me."

I sat up straighter from my reclined position as he leaned in.

"What makes you so sure I want to kiss you?"

"Maybe you don't."

I smiled.

"After all, I barely know you."

"We are practically strangers." He agreed.

"But we're not, though."

I reached out to touch his hand.


	26. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PG-13

My heart started beating faster. I bit my lip, trying to think again.

I tried to breathe but found the air tight in me.

His black hair draped over his shoulders, his skin an impossible brown that I had only ever seen in the rings of split wood.

"Maybe we should go back." I said, not really wanting to. It was going to rain, I was sure of it, the hesitant wet spice being a dead giveaway.

I stood up before I could think about it more, my skin running with a cold current.

Nahuel followed my lead. I avoided looking at him.

I had kissed him before, but now I was nervous all of a sudden. Maybe it was the empty night. Maybe it was my need… premeditated and distracting.

"You are not okay." He observed.

"I'm okay." My voice was shaky and undefined.

The cool breeze traced my collarbone, the only real part of me not covered. I shivered with anticipation of something that wasn't happening.

"Renesmee, you can change your mind." Nahuel said, somehow knowing my mind without touching me.

"About what?" I tried to play dumb.

"About us."

I turned slightly to look at him fully.

That's not what I meant.

"I'm not worried about us.” I clarified. “I… I’m feeling things and I’m trying to be careful. Standing is…” safer.

Our voices were soft, as if we were trying not to disturb the forest or, more like, we were a breathing part of its whole.

He was silent. There were so many things I could feel he would say, but he allowed me to lose the moment.

There it was again… his face so calm and controlled, yet rendered magnificently expressive by those dark eyes. I thought of how Darcy was undone by the eyes of Elizabeth Bennet, something I had never fully understood until now.

There were repeated moments where we might have gone too far, but hadn’t.

I stared loosely at my hands.

“I don’t want to manipulate anyone to get what I want. If I touch you with desire… If I kiss you with… need…” I felt my words dying. “If I start to want, I’m scared I’ll drag you down with me.”

I thought of Jacob, who had learned to give me what I wanted. I thought of Jacob seeing my dreams and thinking back, even while he still viewed me as a child. Seeing Jacob here had caused a stir in me. That first time, hadn’t Nahuel kissed me after he touched my face? And after, on the way home, when I had grabbed his hand?

I looked into those eyes and thought of how he hadn’t been touching me last night, when he asked permission to kiss me, when he told me he loved me.

And then he was there, holding me. It was selfless, the way my mother would hold my hand without listening. I let myself be held.

“I know my own mind.”

We lingered in the space.

I pulled back.

He stopped as well.

I took a breath.

"Please forgive me." I whispered. Before he could take a breath, my lips were on his, forced and focused.

_Stop me…_ I moved my lips wordlessly. _Stop me if…_

He wasn't going to stop me.

Warmth radiated from his skin, his scent consuming me. Woods, but not here… that reminiscence of fire splitting wood as drops of rain fall…

And then I saw the thoughts that I hadn’t been able to see and realized that this was his selfishness. Envy. Reluctant possessiveness. Protective. Struggling with ‘mine’. Recklessness.

He held me with that fire, touching me with craving.

I felt something cold pierce my sweater as rain started to fall in inconsistent shards.

I needed more.

I remembered how much of my skin had been available in my dress. I yanked my sweater off of my arms, throwing it on the ground with abandon. 

The air was chilled but not freezing. The infrequent spatters of rain painted my arms. I could feel odd drops soak through the thin white of my shirt, clinging to my body.

My lips moved with his, insistent. His were desperate.

Nahuel had one hand on my torso, nothing between his palm and my skin but the thin fabric. His other hand was at my back, fingers tangled in my hair, helplessly pulling me to him.

His scent reminded me of a driftwood fire, salt and wood and embers and water. Smoke of the sky, the bark of the earth, the flame of the fire, and the water of the sea.

I didn’t want him to move his hands but I wanted more of his skin on mine, to hear him more, to feel him more.

I remembered undoing the buttons of his shirt in the cottage, so subconsciously that I wondered at my body thinking to do it. 

Now there were no buttons, no layers, just long sleeves that kept his skin from mine. It was all or nothing.

I reached my hands up his back, under his shirt. He flinched with the cold but craved the touch as much as I did. 

We weren’t thinking much, just understanding.

He liked the way his hand fit on my waist. I was entranced by his scent filling my senses. He marveled at the softness of my hair while I enjoyed the warmth of his back. He tasted the shape of my lips and I craved his fingers on my skin.

His hand pushed my shirt up on just that side, the rain making it stick and struggle until he used just his fingers, tracing my flesh. A carnal craving rippled through me, making my legs shake and my breathing unsteady. I struggled when our lips lingered and moved, slipping in small gasps of air when I could, still feeling my head spin.

And then both of his hands were at my face, cradling my head, holding me to him passionately.

My back was against a tree. He was closer. The rain kept time with us.

I raised his shirt over his head.

He helped me with mine.

His body was against me, nothing separating us but my bra. His skin was wet, but so was mine. He held me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, holding my arms over his shoulders with my shirt in my hands. I dropped it, pulling my arms around him, pressing him to me as I felt his mind meet mine through our hot skin.

His breath was as light as the wind, his movements like the ferocity of a storm.

The forest was echoing the falling rain as it met branches and sifted through leaves and needles on the way down, an orchestra of whispers as far as an ear could hear.

We were burning such that I worried our tree might burn with us.

He backed us away from the tree, holding me to him with just his arms, my legs still wrapped around him. He turned to kiss my jaw, down my neck, kissing at my collarbone.

“Nahuel…” his name came soft and broken from my lips.

“Mm,” he didn’t bother moving his lips from my skin as they worked their way back up.

I had nothing to say but I liked the way his name sounded in my mouth. 

“I love you.” I brought my mouth back to his as the rain came down harder, drenching us completely, a constant hiss and plague of water.

The electricity between my skin and his vibrated between us like a constant hum, everything I felt soaking into him with the rain as all of his emotion came to me with the heat of his body. My hair fell back on my bare skin, dripping, pushed back, leaving my shoulders bare and cold.

He pulled his face back a few moments and traced a thumb across my wet cheek. The way he gazed into my eyes, eyes captivated in awe of my existence, hit me deeper than any other touch.

Nahuel held my eyes as he lowered us to the ground so that I was sitting and he was kneeling in front of me, close to being on all fours.

Gently, he kissed me again. It was different now, though. Cautious and tender… longer… he held the back of my head to him but didn’t touch me anywhere else. I didn’t know if it was intentional or not, holding himself back like that. I could feel him in his kiss, but it wasn’t the same as it was before.

I was still burning but met his hesitated kiss with equal passion, holding his face to me as he dropped his own hand to steady himself over me.

_Tell me when to stop._

I nodded, leaning back.

The pine straw was keeping the ground from getting wet where we were, which despite being wet, was not uncomfortable. And we were already wet.

He stopped, chuckling at something I thought.

“I’m not going to have sex with you.”

_That wasn’t where this was going?_

“No.”

Oh. _When were you going to stop?_

“When you wanted me to.”

“What if I wanted to go all the way? Have sex?”

He smiled with a soft chuckle as it continued to pour. The rain, which had seem erotic just seconds before now seemed to be killing the mood.

“Not yet.”

I laid down, frowning while he stayed put, moreover sitting now. The rain pulled his hair straight, a few strands glued to his forehead. Now no part of us was touching.

I figured maybe I hadn’t wanted to go that far and he was good to stop, just in case I didn’t get a hold of myself. I still wished we hadn’t stopped.

He came to hover over me.

“Stop. If you keep pouting I’m going to change my mind.”

“Isn’t that good for me?”

“No.” he kissed me. “Because you don’t really want it and I am trying very hard to be good."

I sighed.

“I guess I should thank you for that.”

“Don’t thank me yet.” He leaned down to kiss me, longer this time. He laid out longer this time, hovering over me. “I said I was trying to be good.”

He used one hand to trace up my bare arm. We were mostly sheltered under the tree, but bits of rain still hit us. He placed one forearm on the ground above my head and used it to lean down and kiss me deeper this time. He pressed himself against me, his bare chest making contact with my body. His knee was between my legs, one hand reaching up to trace my cheek.

I put one hand between us, pushing him away.

“If you start again I will not stop.”

He smiled and looked away into the distance.

“I believe I am the same.”

I sat up, grumbling initially but breaking into a smile that matched his.

“What is it?”

“You are beautiful.” Nahuel stared longingly at me.

My heart moved again.

I tried to put a grouchy face on again, unable to shake the smile at the corners of me mouth.

“You’re making this very hard on me.”

“Good.” he said and I looked at him in surprise. “Why should I suffer alone?”

I found another pinecone to throw at him with a laugh.

“Why do you attack me with these tree seeds?”

He laughed back and chucked one at me. I dodged and threw another. Nahuel caught in and underhanded it back to me. I picked it up and played with it in my fingers.

“Maybe it wasn’t wise for us to be alone together.”

I looked into the rain, seeing very little between the dark and the downpour. I could feel the water in my hair, how it weighed it and glued it to the sides of my face. It hit my face like tears, running pathetically down my cheeks.

“Renesmee.”

I looked back at Nahuel, equally wet, the water rolling off of his shoulders and down his chest, his hair pushed back but with some pieces on his face, too.

“I love you.”

I smiled.

“I love you, too.”


	27. Eavesdropping

I was cold. I had no shirt on and I was wet and it was cold. 

I looked a few feet away at where my white shirt was lying nearly translucent on the ground and my sweater not much farther away, collecting mud. I started laughing. I looked at Nahuel’s shirt, somewhat closer.

“What is it?”

“We have to go back in these clothes.”

He smiled, finding the humor in it as well.

“What should we tell them?”

“I don’t know. Landslide?”

“Bears.” he laughed.

“We went swimming.”

“We did go swimming.” he asserted, referencing the rain.

“My bad,” I said. “We were coming up with lies.”

“Your father will not like me.”

“Eh.” I shrugged. 

It was still dark out and we had time before morning to do whatever we wanted to… except for certain things that we had decided that we shouldn’t do. In a family where no one slept except the culprits involved, there was no sneaking in. 

I picked up my shirt and tried it on, it still being mostly translucent, my bra completely showing through.

“Well,” I looked at the mud, trying to rub it off. “We did get caught in the rain.”

It was still raining, but much lighter now.

Nahuel had pulled his shirt on and it was somehow, miraculously, mud free. Mostly. It must have landed on a pine straw pile or something. I looked at my mud soaked sweater, deciding to leave it off and pretend I dropped it in the mud. See through because of something I couldn’t control was better than muddy because of something I had done.

“I don’t know why I bother when my dad can read minds.”

“I think your parents are not as critical as you think they are.”

Everyone had reacted remarkably well to my confession about Nahuel and I felt that even Dad’s protective speech was moreover a matter of duty and tradition. They all trusted Nahuel and they trusted me. I’d never been told that I shouldn’t be intimate with him. I guess I thought it was implied. Either that or I was just embarrassed.

The sky started to turn a soft grey as the rain went away completely and we made our way back to the house.

“You’re back!” I heard Alice as we walked in.

I was met with a dozen wide eyes.

“What happened to you?” Emmett asked. Rosalie hit him in the arm despite looking concerned herself.

“I uh… fell down a hill.” I decided that I’d rather that everyone know what I said was a lie than admit the truth.

“It can get real slippery around here when it rains.” Jasper said, covering for me. Everyone knew I was lying but at least he was easing the tension.

I looked at Nahuel and whispered.

“Maybe you get cleaned up here and I’ll go back to my parents’ house.”

“Sure.” he waved to everyone and then went upstairs. I left without saying anything. Mom and Dad hadn’t been at the main house which meant they were probably at the cottage. If I had thought of being able to skip seeing everyone just to tell Dad I was back I would have just gone straight to the cottage to begin with.

I crossed my fingers that my parents weren’t being amorous.

As I approached I heard Dad’s voice from inside.

“I’m not getting involved.” I heard Dad say. He was speaking at a normal volume, either saying nothing private or not really expecting me.

I heard Mom’s voice, muffled, and decided to stay outside rather than walk in on whatever was going on.

“If you weren’t asking me to get involved then you wouldn’t have said anything to me. That’s between you and her, Jacob.”

Jacob? So it wasn’t Mom’s voice.

“It’s not my place to…”

“If it isn’t your place then don’t make it your place. I like you, Jacob, but I told you that I wasn’t taking sides.”

“Don’t you think he’s kind of old for her?”

There was a pause.

“I can’t say that. I want to, because she’s my little girl, but looking at Carlisle and Esme, or Bella and myself… with vampires there’s just a difference in how age works.”

“It is different. She’s not changed from a human. She grew up! She’s only seven!”

I recalled my anger from the night before. 

“She’s not a seven year old human. You know she might as well be seventeen, eighteen… and whatever age she has stopped at is the same age Nahuel will be forever.”

I leaned against the wall, actively eavesdropping now. See? Dad got it! Suddenly I didn’t feel so wrong. Nahuel had said we were the same age, but obviously he wasn’t the only one who thought it. I smiled, feeling validated.

“Do you think that you want to view her as being seven years old so that you don’t have to decide what your feelings are right now?”

Dad was met with silence.

“We knew this might happen.” Dad said softly.

“It’s not right!” Jacob shouted. “She’s not supposed to be with him. They’re not right for each other. She needs someone who can… I don’t know. Not him.”

It broke my heart a little that Jacob couldn’t see how good Nahuel was for me, but he’d come around. If Nahuel was going to be around forever, then Jacob had forever to see how wrong he was about us.

“Jake, I’m not getting involved. I’m not taking sides. 

“He _is_ good for her, but you’re good for her, too. I hate to admit it, but we’ve waited for seven years knowing that you might be the man to steal my daughter’s heart one day. Alice saw it in a vision… we were all pretty sure.  
“But things change, visions are wrong, and we’ve also known every day since Nahuel came years ago that he was probably going to be competition.

“Whatever happens is up to Renesmee.”

_What?_

_Jacob and Nahuel were being set up as competitors for my heart since… since I was a kid?_ I looked toward the curtained window as if it would bring me more understanding about the conversation.

But Jacob didn’t like me like that, so why did it matter? Was it just that he thought Nahuel was no good for me? Did everyone just think I was going to have two options and that they were both going to fall for me?

It occurred to me what a miracle Nahuel was, that of all of the stars in the sky, he liked me and I liked him. Nahuel made me believe in fate. 

I couldn't hear the conversation. I needed to go in before they caught me eavesdropping.

I opened the door. Jacob and Dad were standing, looking at each other and now at me. Both looked stunned. I remembered myself.

"I fell down a hill." I lied. Every single person could obviously tell I had not fallen down a hill and Dad could read my mind.

"Nothing happened… like that. We got caught in the rain and…"

Dad didn't seem upset. Maybe he could tell I wasn't lying about that part. He seemed musing, if anything.

Jacob was expressionless.

"I was just going to take a shower and wanted to do it… here."

Dad looked at Jacob and calmly cleared his throat.

"Sorry." Jacob mumbled to him then ducked out behind me. I watched him go then turned back to Dad.

“You don’t need to worry about him. Just because something concerns you doesn’t mean you should be concerned about it.”

“You heard me listening.”

“I might not be able to see through doors but I can hear through them.” 

He looked at my outfit and plucked a piece of pine straw out of my hair. 

“I am trying to give you some privacy but you can understand my concern.” I had a feeling we were talking about Nahuel now.

“It was my fault, but nothing happened, I swear.”

“I know. Nothing like that anyway.”

I twisted my lips up awkwardly.

“Maybe I’m reluctant to be critical because things are so different for you. No one could have told me how to court your mother and I admit that many of the morals I enforced were from my time. 

“I would like to ask, though, that you do refrain from that sort of physical relationship. For many reasons, but mostly because I don’t want anything to happen that might jeopardize your… health.”

Oh.

“You don’t want me to have sex and get pregnant with a baby that will likely kill me.”

His eyebrows knit themselves together.

“That’s blunt, but yes.”

Of all of the things, I couldn’t believe that wasn’t something on my mind with Nahuel. I guess I hadn’t thought about it. I wondered if he had. His mother had died because of one such pregnancy and I thought to myself that there were probably layers of reasons why he acted how he had.

“He’s really…”

“I know. That’s why I like him. He’s extraordinarily sincere and he cares about you a lot. I don’t really love seeing you with a man in such a relationship, but if there was going to be a right person for you, I can’t imagine someone better.”

“Except Jacob.” I retorted.

Dad didn’t look uncomfortable, but I hoped he was.

“Were you all waiting, hoping we would fall in love with each other?”

“We weren’t hoping, but we were ready, anticipating if it might.”

It wasn’t fair to be upset, not with how good Dad was being about Nahuel and how he had defended that relationship to Jacob just now, but I hadn’t actually addressed everything I knew about their opinions on Jacob, how they had waited for me to mature so I might understand the bond in a romantic way.

“We’re all doing the best we can with circumstances we don’t understand.”

“I know.” I said, softly. “I’m not being fair.”

“Fair isn’t always how these things work. Fair is a luxury of even circumstances.”

I thought for a moment.

“Am I being fair to Jacob?”

“I think you’re being as fair as you can be with the information you have, maybe even more than fair. Who you love should not be dependent on how they love you. Requited love is a blessing, but never an obligation.”

He closed the distance between us and kissed my forehead.

“Also, Nahuel smells better.” Dad raised his hands almost apologetically as he passed me to leave the house. 

I knew a half truth that wasn’t being mentioned, was that even if the family had six years and some change to get used to the idea of Nahuel, they had seven years to get to know Jacob. Maybe he smelled like wet dog, but he was family.

I got cleaned up and then stared at my clothes, rating them on a scale of too much skin to too little with a cross rating between easy to take off and impossible. I knew the second scale was wrong and that the first scale was debatable. A short sleeved dress with leggings? Plenty of skin but definitively hard to take off. A long sleeved button up with nothing underneath? Chaste until we were alone.

Of course, there was also everything in between.

Maybe it wasn’t fair of me, either, to think of continuing our relationship in the manner we had last night but… Nahuel had wanted that too. I wasn't going to start making assumptions on his behalf on account of what my dad said. We had control. We hadn’t gone that far… but should I chance it?

I compromised, kind of. Jeans and a button down blouse. Nothing needed to happen below the belt but that didn’t mean nothing had to happen.


	28. Fighting Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling that this chapter is going to be a bit controversial. I apologize in advance.

I was almost too embarrassed to go back to the main house but remembered that A) Nahuel was there and B) If I didn’t go back, he was going to be left alone in a room full of people who knew he had made out with their niece.

I walked in to see everyone sitting in their usual spots. Usually everyone didn't loiter in the living room, but when there was company it was what we did.

Carlisle was often at work but everyone else was supposed to be in college.

Garrett and Jasper had taken to chatting each other up about philosophy and American History. Rosalie and Kate were catching up. Emmett sat with them, making small talk.

Alice and Zafrina were the most animated, seemingly playing a game of whether Alice could predict what Zafrina was going to project or if Alice could predict anything with Zafrina in her head.

Esme and Huilen sat together, both looking bemused at Nahuel and, lo and behold, Jacob.

Mom and Dad looked like they were just waiting passively for me to come and something to happen.

"Is there something you would like from me?" Nahuel asked calmly, from where he sat, looking up at Jacob who was glaring at him, propped against the wall.

Everyone paused to pay at least a fraction of attention. I stopped in my tracks, wondering if they had seen me come in.

Jacob kept glaring.

Esme looked a little worried but Huilen seemed intrigued. Almost as if she was wondering if Jacob would dare anything.

Nahuel and Jacob were odd, warped reflections of each other. Jacob's skin had more of a reddish tint to it and Nahuel's, while not necessarily darker, reminded me more of the earth. Jacob had cut his hair short but I wondered if it would have looked like Nahuel's when it was longer.

Their eyes were the most different, though. Nahuel looked like he'd seen shit where Jacob looked like he was going to start shit. Nahuel's gaze was calm but could start a fire and Jacobs was a quick flame that threatened to burn out.  
It never did, though.

Jacob continued to glower at him.

I debated putting myself between the two, but nothing was actually happening.

“You’re really sick, you know that?”

Fuck.

Nahuel ignored him. I could see Jake getting irritated that Nahuel wasn’t giving him the fight he wanted.

“What is it; you like ‘em young?”

Nahuel refused to engage.

“She’s a kid for fuck’s sake.”

“Renesmee is not a child.” Nahuel finally bit back."

“She’s being stupid and you’re enabling her.”

It was then that I saw Nahuel get visibly upset.

He stood up and moved closer.

“Say what you want about me, but leave her out of this.”

I crossed the room as fast as I could and got right up next to them.

“We are _not_ having this conversation in here.” I hissed softly, eyeing the door. I wished we weren’t having this conversation at all but it really didn’t need to happen with eleven people in the same room.

I glared at Jake until he left, following in tow with Nahuel who might have otherwise stepped aside but looked like he was determined to say something. I was shaking with anger.

Jake was standing in the middle of the yard looking exactly as if he was asking for it.

“ **WHAT THE FUCK, JAKE?** ”

“He started it.” he spat.

“He did not, I was there the whole time and you are being a child.”

“He started it the moment he decided to get romantically involved with you.”

“ _He_ didn’t start anything. It just happened.” I continued, “He’s not hurting me, he has done nothing wrong, and this is the second time in less than twenty four hours that we’ve had a conversation like this.  
“You can’t save me from everything, Jake. I was going to fall in love eventually and, quite frankly, I’m glad it was now.”

Jake ignored me to look past at Nahuel.

“She’s a child!”

I wanted to punch him but it wasn’t fair if he couldn’t hit back.

“Stop talking to Nahuel. This isn’t between you and him; this is between you and me. Don’t imply that I have a lack of agency by appealing to him.”

“Do you want me to go away? Say the word and I’ll go away.”

“Why the fuck are you being like this!?!”

Jake stepped back, gritting his teeth, his whole body tense. This was different from when he transformed, though. When he got mad like that he vibrated until he exploded. Now it seemed like he was imploding, holding something back.

“Jake.” I snapped, trying to grab his attention.

“Should I tell her?” Nahuel’s voice came from behind me. I turned to look at him. He was calm, casual, and his eyes looked ready to burn down the world.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jake said behind clenched teeth.

“When was it? Was it before, but you thought you’d have time to wait? Or was it after, seeing her as a woman only through another man’s eyes?” Nahuel’s voice was bitter.

“It’s not like that.”

“Everyone knows it’s like that but you.”

I looked between Nahuel and Jacob, wanting to ignore the implications of Nahuel’s words. I didn’t like the silence that was settling. It had only been seconds but it felt like forever.

“Because no one could love her like you do. It’s not that you don’t want her to be with me, it’s that as long as she’s with me, she’s not with you.”

I looked from Nahuel, so certain, to Jacob, whose anger was melting into something else.

“It’s not like that.” I croaked softly. “You said it wasn’t like that, Jake. Remember? Tell him the truth. Tell Nahuel that it’s not like that between us.”

Jacob looked at me warily, seeming tired.

“I can tell him the truth or tell him it’s not like that. I can’t do both. Not anymore.”

I looked at the grass, my breath hitching in my chest in panic. _No. What? No. No… What? No._

“No...” I said, as if about to make a point to support it. “That’s not right.”

I looked gently at them both, confused.

“Like… that…” I looked at Jake who looked like I was going to hit him. “Like what?”

It sounded stupid to ask so bluntly but I needed to be absolutely sure. Before I thought any more, I needed to know that there was no misunderstanding.

Jake was just shaking his head, not wanting to deal with the situation.

If I touched him, I’d understand. That simple act, though… I didn’t want to touch him. I didn’t want to be near him. I wanted to throw up. It felt like someone had thrown me off of a cliff.

I wanted to leave the conversation but I didn’t want to make assumptions; not again.

“I’ve always looked at you like you were the sun but… it’s different now.   
“You asked why we were different than Sam and Emily or the others but I was lying. It’s not different from them. It was something else between us before; before I couldn’t look at you like that. Now, I can’t stop.”

I tried to take a deep breath.

“I think I need to take a walk. Don’t follow me.”


	29. Knowing Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is literally just Renesmee's contemplative walk in the woods so feel free to skip it; you won't lose any plot.

No.

Because he had said ‘no’.

He had said that it wasn’t like that multiple times.

I had _double checked_ with him that it was not like that.

I had put up a concrete wall in my mind, blocking any thoughts of romance with Jacob. It was a non-option. I picked up a pinecone and threw it angrily at a tree. Throwing pinecones was becoming a thing with me now, I guessed.

The night had brought all of the rain and now it was just a peaceful white-grey so I couldn’t even be exceptionally moody while I walked.

I walked the same path I had walked with Nahuel just hours before, slightly in a different direction so that I wouldn’t pass anything that gave me flashbacks.

The level of forgiveness that I was going to bestow upon the situation was entirely dependent on when Jacob had come to terms with this revelation. If he knew on Wednesday and hadn’t said anything then, it was much worse than if he had only come to terms with his feelings a few moments before when Nahuel had dug it out of him.

Nahuel wanted me to know all of my options. He wasn’t so worried about Jacob as competition that he was going to keep it from me. 

I thought of the amount of embarrassing things I had thought around Nahuel, my insecurities and self consciousness, and how he still respected me and considered me mature despite them. Maybe being vulnerable was something mature in and of itself.

Damn, I wanted him.

I remembered how my body had yearned for him hours before, how far we had almost gotten, how careful he had been about taking me into consideration, not only in the moment, but what I would want when the moment faded away.

I wondered if Jacob would have gone all the way.

_Ugh!_  
I chucked another pinecone at a tree, not realizing how hard until it splintered like glass.

I didn’t _want_ Jacob. Was that why he hadn’t been telling me? Because he knew I wouldn’t want him like that?

I was smart enough to understand that if things had gone differently that night on the cliffs, if he had wanted me like this then, or maybe if things had escalated when he came to visit me in the cottage the night before my party, I might have been too distracted to fall for Nahuel.

That wasn’t really true, I knew I was going to fall for Nahuel regardless, but then Jacob would have been competition, would have stood a chance.

He didn’t care about standing a chance, though.

I knew he wanted to make me happy and I wasn’t sure if he really knew what that was. To be fair, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted.

That wasn’t true, either. I wanted Nahuel. I wanted him to stay and I wanted to have a proper life with him. I didn’t really care where we were or what we did if we could be together. I wanted to be around Charlie as long as I could and would insist on being in Forks as long as I could, but after that?

Maybe I took Jacob for granted. I knew that I probably did. I tried to picture my life without him, if I really had to choose. I still thought it would be Nahuel. Perhaps I would feel bad that Jacob had devoted so much to me, but maybe he’d get over it. It had only been seven years.

That made me feel like a bad person.

_Love is selfish._

What did I want, selfishly?

Nahuel.

Damn. Why did that keep feeling like the wrong answer? As if this was a true-false test and there was a fifty-fifty shot at the right answer. Wasn’t the right answer just what made me happy?

Both certainly wouldn’t make me happy. 

There was no way to have an intimate relationship with both of them and each relationship was intimate in its own way. With Jacob, there was no way to go backwards. He had imprinted on me. That was just how it was.

With Nahuel, though…

I thought of the fire between us and nearly worked myself up. 

There was just something about the way Nahuel spoke that resonated with me, something that was a little wise, a tad humorous, charming and witty, sincere… I remembered being struck with how _much_ he was.

I knew the right answer, so why did it feel wrong?

I didn’t want to hurt Jake but… was he never going to tell me?

Did Nahuel not care if I knew because he valued truth and honest competition, or was he so confident in what we had? I was confident. It’s like they say that when you know, you just know. I just knew. There was no un-loving Nahuel.

Oh god, I hoped neither of them died, I thought after unwillingly realizing that it would fix everything if there was only one of them.

There was nothing to fix!

I loved Jacob. I loved Mom and Dad. I loved Grandpa Charlie and Carlisle and Esme. I loved Alice and Rosalie and Emmett and Jasper.

I was only _in_ love with Nahuel.

The way I wanted him… how could I even think like that with a guy who helped raise me? Sure, I had dreamt about kissing him on accident, but not consciously. I had reacted to the memory of- 

And he had kissed my mom! Did I really want to be in love with a guy who had been in love with my mom? I didn’t buy the pre-imprint love nonsense. He had been in love with her, kissed her, probably imagined doing things with and to her, things I didn’t even want to imagine.

There was no competition. It didn’t even seem like Jake was going to fight, so did I really need to worry?

I didn’t want to hurt him.

I remembered thinking about us belonging to each other. Jacob being mine and me being his. How naive I was when we were the only two people in the world. 

I didn’t want to go back. Maybe I could walk and walk and run away and never have to see Jake’s face again… never have to look him in the eyes again and tell him that I was choosing Nahuel.

I had said that when he had found us in the night. _‘I choose Nahuel’_ , I said. Then I had meant it as choosing Nahuel as a romantic partner. I had meant ‘choose’ to mean me just picking one out. Now it seemed as if it meant ‘I choose Nahuel over you’.

Jacob wouldn’t want me upset and that hurt worse.

Imprinting was dumb. It was like a love potion, an involuntary compulsive reaction to another human being. That was dumb.

I wondered if Jake hadn’t imprinted on me if it would even be a consideration. Without his stupid wolfy sixth sense, would he have ever looked at me like that? 

Maybe he would have killed me the way that he had wanted to and saved the whole commotion with the Volturi. Then Mom, in her newborn strength, would have killed him. That would have made her sad, maybe.

Then, even if he had decided against killing me, would he have stuck around? Probably not. Would he have had such a big part in raising me? Absolutely not.

Nahuel was always going to be in the picture. As long as I lived, the Volturi would have a reason to come, Alice would have gone to find Nahuel, and he would have come back all these years later like he did. If Jacob hadn’t imprinted on me, nothing with Nahuel would have changed but Jacob never would have loved me.

If only I could break the imprint, then he’d have nothing to love. He had said it himself, that I was only seven. Most of my life he had loved me as a child. If we broke the imprint now, wouldn’t it be nipping the situation in the bud?

Of course I felt special being an imprint, but not so much that I was going to keep Jake on the hook forever.

I was almost mad at Nahuel for dragging the confession out of Jacob like that but I realized, just as he never had intentions of going all the way with me, he was more concerned about was best for me and for us than what we wanted at the time. I was sure he couldn’t have wanted me to know there was competition, but it was right.

I wished that I could get Jacob alone but there was nothing that it would accomplish except to play with the tension between us.

I wanted to go to the main house and sit on my big ‘not a sex bed’... I laughed to myself, thinking of that first night with Nahuel, and how flustered I had been, even then. I just wanted to go sit on my bed with Nahuel, him propped against the pillows like he did before, with me teasing him into kissing me long enough to make me forget.

My hands tingled.

I wanted to share. I wanted to hold my hands to his face and tell him that he was mine and show him that the anguish I felt for Jacob was empathy and not longing. I wanted to be together. I wanted the world to close in on us until it was warm again.

I couldn’t go back, though. Was it worse if Jacob was there and I had to face him or if he had left and I had to wonder about him?

I was going back anyway, though, and I knew it.


	30. Changes

I walked in the front door to find everyone where I had left them except that Jacob was sitting where Nahuel had been and Nahuel was standing where Jacob had been. They both seemed to have been doing nothing but waiting.

“Thank you. I needed a moment.”

I shut the door behind me. A few eyes looked up at me, almost worried, then went back to whatever they were doing.

“Thank you for not going away.” I said, mostly considering Jake, who had a bit of a temper. “I haven’t spent a lot of time with Zafrina or your aunt or Kate and Garrett so I think I’m going to try to get as much time in before they leave… tomorrow…”

Nahuel was leaving tomorrow.

I hadn’t thought about it until I started counting days.

“You’ll have us for a few more days.” Nahuel commented.

I nodded, vaguely, still coming to terms with his leaving in my mind.

Disengaging, I went first to where Alice and Zafrina were practicing.

“I see, if I embrace the vision it helps me see what others plan to do better if I’m not struggling to perceive visually.”

“I hope we are never on opposite sides of a fight.”Zafrina replied.

“It’s more dangerous when you show me my surroundings, but altered. I can only embrace the vision if I know it is there.”

“But you can still predict things.”

“Yes, but if they don’t line up with my senses…”

I sat and listened in, seeming engaged, and it was engaging, but part of me was still distracted. Kate and Garrett came by more frequently so if I didn’t get as much time with them it wouldn’t be as big of a deal. Still, I felt bad neglecting our guests, even if they weren’t officially mine.

I wasn’t expecting Nahuel and Jacob to wait all day. Nahuel joined conversation with Esme and Huilen. He’d look up occasionally and meet my gaze, not smiling like I was used to. If he had been smiling, given the circumstances, it would have seemed maniacal.

Jacob sat by the window and looked outside as thin streaks of rain fell sporadically.

Mom would take turns looking at him and talking in low tones to Dad. I was sure they were talking about what had happened; why wouldn’t they be?

The day went on and I got some time with Kate and Garrett as well, realizing as it got late that I hadn’t actually slept the night before. I blushed and looked over at Nahuel. He hadn’t, either. He had started to smile when we met eyes now, softly, calmly. 

Jacob never looked up and I wondered if he remembered that he was still there, sure that he would have gone home if he was only planning on sitting alone.

“We will be gone before you wake in the morning, but we will visit soon.” Zafrina said as soon as I mentioned I was tired.

“You’re not staying until tomorrow?”

“The time you’re asleep will be quite a few hours that they can travel.”

“Right.” Because they would just be there for hours, waiting for me to wake up and give them a goodbye that I could just give them now.

Saying goodbye meant I was going to sleep. Going to sleep meant I was going to bed. Going to bed meant making a decision.

I saw everyone out of the door, feeling relieved and sad at the same time.

Back inside, everyone went to their rooms to have time alone. 

I wondered if they had actually all sat in the same room that whole time. It was odd to me, even though I lived with them, that they could be as well as statues, never sitting or eating or sleeping or going to the bathroom or even having to fidget or flinch.

Esme went back to whatever she had been talking about with Huilen. Nahuel was with them but didn’t seem to be talking, half of his attention on me.

Mom and Dad stood by the door last.

“We’re going back to the cottage. Are you staying here?”

I wasn’t sure if they were asking my permission to have sex or encouraging me to come with them. 

I looked at Jacob, still frozen by the window.

“I’m going to stay here for now.”

Mom followed my gaze.

“Okay.”

I walked over to Jacob and laid a hand lightly on his shoulder.

“Hey, you still alive in there? It’s been a few hours.”

“I shouldn’t have said anything.” he mumbled without looking at me.

“We can talk about it later, but you should get some sleep. You look terrible.”

He finally looked up, his face tired but with a shadow of a smile.

“Speak for yourself.”

“Well…” I thought of the night before and decided not to say anything, glad that Jacob, at least, couldn’t read minds. “I’ll get some sleep, but you really should go home and get some rest.”

Jacob glanced in Nahuel’s direction.

“Don’t worry about him right now. I’ll be here in the morning. Go. Get some sleep.”

He still looked uncertain.

“Was it you who said, last week, that nothing had changed? I just know now.” I tried to be chill about it for both of us. “Go, sleep. Say hi to Billy. He’s probably asleep already, though, I guess.”

“Fine.” he stood up and stretched, looking at me sideways. “You should know, though… that wasn’t how that was supposed to go.”

I nodded, trying to usher him out the door.

“I’m not going to sleep until you sleep and I’m exhausted. No, go.”

“Okay, okay…”

I got him out the back door and watched until I couldn’t see him anymore. Turning back, it surprised me just how empty the room was, Just Esme, Huilen, Nahuel and I. I walked over to where Nahuel had separated himself from them, standing aside, waiting for me, I hoped.

I allowed myself to be close to him, even though the space made me nervous now.

“Does this change things?” My voice warbled. I wished I could hide my voice and then remembered…

I held my hand cautiously between us, palm out. I wasn’t sure why I was expecting him to reject me.. I guess I had been thinking that from the start, though.

He reached out and traced his fingers up my palm until his hand was flat against mine. He clasped his fingers between mine.

_Do you want this to change things?_

_No._

_It is not changed for me_ , he thought. _It will be different for you, but my feelings have not changed._

_It’s not different for me! Nothing has changed!_

He leaned down to kiss me.

_Different. Not changed. It doesn’t have to change._

I paused to think about it.

_How did you know? That it was like that for him._

_The same way everyone here knew about us before we had to say anything._

I toyed with my fingers on his other hand, bringing it between us, too.

_Maybe I should feel bad_ , he continued, _but as long as I have what he wants, there is only so much I can sympathize._

_You have me._ I thought, smug.

“You need sleep.”

_Are you coming?_

“I don’t know if that is wise.” he looked up the stairs and thought of the night before. I blushed as he pulled my shirt off, kissing me down…

“Okay, okay, not like that.” I whispered, speaking aloud in case my mind got overrun with the memory.

_I don’t know how much control I’ll have if we’re alone again._

I had to remind myself that Huilen and Esme couldn’t hear the erotic things he was thinking.

There are a bunch of vampires upstairs who would hear if it was going to be like that.

He kissed me again.

_How much time are we going to have alone together before you lea-_

“You’re not-” _You’re not leaving?_ My mind sparked and ebbed at the thought, excited and hopeful and confused.

He looked at me with a smile.

_Where will I go?_

_Home._

_Where you are._

Something must be wrong. I needed to find the flaw. There was no way I could really keep him , could I?

_Huilen?_ I stole a glance to her and back.

_Likes your family. Wants me to be happy._

_Wait… so… you’ve already talked about it with her?_

_She and Esme have been making plans all afternoon._

_Where will she stay?_

_Huilen doesn’t sleep, Renesmee._

Alice and Jasper and Emmett and Rosalie and Carlisle and Esme had rooms. Even if vampires didn’t sleep, they had rooms. I had always just assumed they needed… time behind a closed door?

_I believe your family needs rooms so they can, what did you say, ‘be laid’._

My face grew hot.

_We should never have had that conversation._

_No, I’m glad you told me I wasn’t going to sleep in a sex bed._ He laughed in his head, thinking how I thought he didn’t know people had sex in beds.

_I was just explaining why it was so big…_

He kissed me again, making a bit of embarrassment go away.

_I’m not leaving. Not yet._

_You’re not leaving!_ I smiled, trying not to think about the ‘yet’.


	31. Cat and Wolf

It was no wonder Jacob was so out of it. He sat there and probably listened while Huilen and Esme talked over their plans to stay. I remembered how happy Huilen had looked talking to her. Knowing the context, now, made my heart glow.

I had thought that Huilen wouldn’t approve of Nahuel falling in love, yet she really did seem happy about the connection.

I wondered why Jacob had stayed. 

I still didn’t really believe Nahuel was staying. It would take another five people acknowledging the information for it to sink in.

Nahuel was sitting on my bed. There was no one telling us not to sleep like this. I kept the door wide open at all times, anyway. I wished that I had never used ‘sex’ and ‘this bed’ in the same sentence, though, because now it wasn’t just my bed, it was my ‘definitely not a sex bed’ bed. I laughed at the irony. I held Nahuel’s hand to show him the thought.

“It is definitely not a sex bed.” he admitted.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“May I ask you a question. It’s… kind of sensitive.”

“You may ask me anything.” Nahuel replied. I sat against the pillows right next to him, placing my hand over his in my lap.

_Did you stop last night… because of your mom?_

He turned to look at me.

“You don’t have to be so nervous about asking.” he calmed me. “It is a painful thought for me but I have had a very long time to think about it, especially with the circumstances of these past few years.”

_Maybe_ , he admitted. _Partially. Mostly I knew it was too soon or… if not too soon that you didn't know about him._ He thought of Jacob and I wondered what he meant.

_If you changed your mind about me, I didn’t want you to be stuck with that decision._

I was confused.

_You didn’t want to have sex with me on the off chance that I might want to have sex with Jacob?_

_If you knew how he felt about you, you might change your mind. When he found us in the woods… I didn’t want you to feel more tied to me than you did. Not yet._

I smiled.

_Too late._ I thought. _I’m already hopeless for you. Besides…_ I remembered what Dad had said. _‘Who you love should not be dependent on how they love you. Requited love is a blessing, but never an obligation.’_

“Your father has a wisdom in him.”

“So do you.” I replied softly.

_Now that I know my options, though, and still choose you, does that affect you wanting to… you know…_

He looked at me as if I had said something stupid.

_I_ want _to._

_So…?_

_You’re young,-_

_You said we were the same age!!_

_You have had less time and fewer options._ He clarified. _Which is why I was worried about you changing your mind. About what and… who…_

“It’s just as well,” I said. 

_Are you upset that it didn’t happen?_

I had to think for a moment.

_No. I’m not upset that it didn’t happen, but anytime I think about it, I just wish that it had._

I thought of the way we pushed into each other, skin hot with the cool rain washing over us in violent ecstasy.

I looked at Nahuel who was focusing very hard on looking out of the window.

“Sorry.” I let go. My imagination was… vivid.

“You are a dangerous woman, Renesmee Cullen.” he looked to me and smiled. “Get some sleep.”

I sighed, wanting to tell him that he had had less sleep than me. Maybe he didn’t need as much, after all. I might have fallen asleep by him, but I went back to my usual spot at the foot of the bed, curling into a pile of blankets instead of laying out casually. I had changed into pajamas, deciding to get as comfortable as I could instead of falling asleep on accident like I had been doing.

Besides, falling asleep with my skin as far away from Nahuel as possible was probably best.

It didn’t take long and I was asleep.

………………………..

There was a wolf in the woods.

_Jacob?_ I called.

As I got closer I saw that it wasn’t so big. And it was grey. It was just a wolf.

When the wolf saw me, it howled, staying where it was but looking purposefully behind me. It seemed as if it was darker where I came from and I was scared to look back.

I turned around to see a large jungle cat pacing, looking at something. I got as close as I dared and looked over to see it attack something I couldn’t see, ripping into flesh, red brown fur between its teeth and a wolf the size of a bear under it’s claws, struggling.

I panicked and, before I could make sense of the action, threw myself in the middle.

The tide turned and, suddenly, the cat was beneath me. I was powerful. The wolf was over my shoulder, though. I was holding the cat defenseless and the wolf came over my shoulder, given the opening that it wanted.

With one bite I realized what I had done. The cat had been defending itself and, in my fear for the wolf, I had sentenced the cat to die.

I backed up in horror as the wolf turned to me, blood in its teeth, ready to come for me, next.

………………………

I woke up panting and crying, never remembering a dream so vivid. There was a cool sweat that had broken on my forehead, my entire body clammy as I remembered the wolf’s teeth, red and terrifyingly close.

It hadn’t been Jacob. It looked the same but… No, it wasn’t.

“Renesmee…?”

I heard the voice but couldn’t help staring absently at the bed covers, trying to pull myself together, shaking my head slightly.

“Just a dream…” I muttered, but it had felt so real. 

Nahuel sat closer to comfort me, but was careful not to touch my skin, holding a hand cautiously on my covered leg.

“I’m sorry. I woke you.” my voice was hollow.

“Don’t worry about it.” His voice was soothing, sinking deep into me.

“You got some sleep, though?”

“I slept well. It seems you did not.”

“No, I had a dream…”

“Did you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head and looked outside, finding the day to be overcast as usual. It had seemed especially rainy the past few days and it seemed like it might be the same today.

“I have to go talk to Jacob.” I said, suddenly, not having known I was doing it until the words came out of my mouth. “What time is it?”

“Mid-day.”

“Oh, I slept late. I guess that makes sense. You’re staying?” I looked at Nahuel hopefully. “I didn’t dream that?”

“I’m staying.”

“I have to tell Jacob…” What did I have to tell him? Something about the dream had made me frightened. I felt like he was in danger and I didn’t know why.

“It’s okay. Go. I’ll be here.”

I reached over to hold his face and kiss him. If he was concerned or jealous, he didn’t show it. I went downstairs. No one was there. I didn’t bother wondering where they were; in their rooms, probably.

I was out the door and a mile away before I even realized I was still in my pajamas, barefoot.

I wound up outside of the Black residence without quite remembering why I was there or how I got there.

I walked up to the door, fully expecting Billy to answer. I knocked three times.

“Ness.” Jacob answered the door. “What are you doing?”

“You’re okay.” I said, somewhat out of breath.

“Should I not be okay?”

I didn’t understand. My whole body was in a panic about him. I had never experienced anything like it before. I knew it was my dream, but I couldn’t understand why. In the end, the wolf had won. It was the wolf that had frightened me. 

“I don’t know what came over me.” My face felt numb. It was like I was under a spell. “My dream…”

“Okay, calm down.” he didn’t touch me. “Do you want to come inside?”

I looked around at the world. The cold felt nice and real. My feet were covered in mud and I felt the same cool sheen of sweat on my face, from my dreaming, from the run, or from the moisture in the air, I wasn’t sure.

“No, I… feel…”

“Ness, you’re scaring me. What happened?”

“I had a dream…”

“Oh, don’t tell me you dreamed about kissing me again.” he tried to joke, sitting on the porch, closer to my height.

“No… It wasn’t a dream that made sense. But I thought… for some reason I felt like you needed me. It’s so stupid… I don’t know what came over me.”

“I do need you, but you didn’t have to come over here like this.”

“You did need me?” Was this part of the imprint bond thing, like a bat signal?

He tilted his head to the side and pushed some of my stray hair behind my ear. He laughed.

“I always need you. You don’t always need to come running, though. This-”

“-thing doesn’t hold me the same way it holds you.” I held his hand to my face where he had been brushing my hair aside. “I know.”

I kept his hand to my face.

“You lied to me. Did you? Did you know when you told me it wasn’t like that?”

Nothing came to me.

I took his hand off of my face and held it out.

“Why isn’t this thing working? Did I break?”

I held his hand to my face again as if I was going to pick up a signal.

“Ness,” he laughed. “What are you doing?”

“Did I dream yesterday up? Can I really project thoughts? Wh-”

“Ness, relax. Yesterday happened. Your gift still works. I just don’t want you in my head right now.”

“You can just turn it off like that?”

“I’ve been told there wasn’t much up there to begin with.”

“Stop.”

“I’ve been working on it, trying to focus. It worked, I guess.”

“I’m not entitled to your thoughts.” I grumbled. “It was nice while it lasted, though.”

He looked at me, still holding my hand.

“I’ll tell you if you really want to know. I don’t care about keeping anything from you, but you might not want the answers you’re going to get.”

I took a deep breath.

“I want to know.”


	32. Hypothetically

As soon as I said it, I regretted it. Hadn’t I been thinking of all of the things I wish I didn’t know? But no, I hadn’t really not wanted to know, I just didn’t like it being true.

“If there’s anything you don’t want me to know, you don’t have to tell me.”

“Okay.”

I knelt down in front of him, on the ground, holding his hands in mine.

“Will it be easier if we’re not in each other’s heads?”

“There’s nothing in my mind that you’re not allowed to know.”

“Okay.”

I held his hands tighter.

_When was it different?_

It was like I was looking at a timeline of my life which, in context, was rather uncomfortable. There was no point at which it was different. It happened gradually. Eventually.

_How did you know?_

He didn’t admit it until Nahuel had called him out, but he probably knew on the cliff, while I was sleeping and he had slipped into my mind, as he held himself back from kissing me and I pushed myself onto him anyway, he realized that he wanted it.

That was why he was embarrassed when I woke up.

_I thought about it then, too_ , I admitted.

_Would it have been different if not for Nahuel?_

_Yes._

Being honest, I knew that things would have happened between Jacob and myself. I didn’t like to think about it because of his role in raising me, but if there had been time for that to change, if I had time to adjust to feeling like an adult and accepting him as one, too, there was no way it wouldn’t have worked.

He flinched a little. I knew he wouldn’t like knowing how close he was. Especially how I thought of him in the cottage with me that night before my party, if he had made a move then… what would have happened?

And that being exactly where two days later I’d fall into Nahuel’s arms.

But Nahuel _did_ exist, so it didn’t matter what might be if he didn’t.

_He’s your Edward._ He thought of how close he had been with my mom.

_That’s the other thing._ I thought of him being in love with my mom and how creepy that was for me.

_I can’t help what happened in the past!_

_It still happened. You_ kissed _her. Could you imagine kissing me and thinking, ‘Nice, but not as good as Bella’_ , I laughed.

It turns out he could imagine kissing me. It wasn’t the way it was in my dream.

He subconsciously wondered how that compared to Nahuel. I didn’t think anything could compare to Nahuel, but I didn’t really know since I hadn’t actually kissed Jacob. It didn’t matter, though, I wasn’t going to change my mind based on how well he kissed.

_You never know._ He thought.

_If Leah was a good kisser?_

He cringed.

I wondered, honestly, what he wanted.

He just wanted the two of us at our spot, the only difference being that we were like that.

I smiled. 

It didn’t change anything.

_Nahuel is staying. I guess you won’t be around as much._

_Why would you say that?_

_It’s not going to bother you, seeing me with him?_

_Of course it’s going to bother me, but it’ll bother me more not seeing you._

My heart hurt a bit at the thought.

_I don’t want to be selfish like this._

“Well, suck it up.” his words were harsh in contrast with our silent conversation. He stood up. I stood up as well. “Do me a favor and be selfish so, if on the odd chance you ever decide you do want me like that, I’ll know it’s not out of pity.”

“I pinky promise not to pity kiss you.”

“Your mom pity kissed me once.” he laughed.

“You guys kissed twice?”

“Yeah. The second was better since, you know, I wasn’t assaulting her. She kissed me. Granted, I might have emotionally manipulated her by implying that I was going to let myself die in battle because she was going to marry Edward.”

I stared at him in horror.

“You guys have quite the past, huh?”

“Why else do you think I stayed around even after she had gotten married and impregnated by someone else?”

I laughed, putting my hands on my hips.

“I remember you saying, once, that it was my fault.”

“Yeah, I guess I did say that.” he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Maybe I’ve changed my mind.”

“Well, let me know where the roulette stops. I like to keep track of what I have and have not caused.”

I turned like I was going to go back.

“Hey, Ness…”

I turned back.

“Why did you really come here this morning?”

I shrugged.

“I don’t know. Something in me told me that I needed to be here.”

“Huh.”

There seemed to be something on his mind that made what I said resonate with him. He seemed just a little bit happier, as if I really had answered some call.

“Give me a second, I’ll come back with you.”

………………………...

Walking through the woods with Jacob was so familiar that I could almost imagine that all of the events of the past week had not happened. I was glad that things had happened how they did, though. It still seemed wrong, choosing Nahuel instead of Jacob. That’s how it was, though.

I missed holding Jake’s hand and having him able to hear every thought as it happened. That was dangerous for both of us, though.

Selfish.

I watched him as we walked, realizing that I couldn’t even be embarrassed by the simple action. It was a weird thought that, somehow, nothing had changed. He was looking back at me, both of us sort of half smiling.

My foot caught a root and I fell forward. My mind was too distracted to catch myself and I slid down eight feet of muddy hill.

Jake covered the distance in three steps and I started laughing. I just laid down in the dirt, still laughing. He came to stand over my body.

“I can’t believe I actually fell down a hill!” My laughter died into a chuckle. “I guess it wasn’t such a bad excuse after all.”

I thought of the night of my human party, how I had nearly choked on a cupcake just looking at Jacob. 

He offered his hand to help me up and I took it. The small gesture wasn’t needed, monsters that we were, but I appreciated it.

“I didn’t realize that coming of age came with Bella’s clumsiness.”

“God, I hope not.”

We went back to walking and I paid attention to where I stepped.

“That woman tripped over flat surfaces. I’m surprised that she was actually able to turn and that the venom didn’t just look at her clumsiness and say ’You’ve got to be kidding me; This woman, a vampire?’”

“I wonder what it would have been like if I wasn’t Bella and Edward’s daughter and I had been alive, then, to witness the whole story unfold. I wonder what part I would have played or if I would have been involved at all.”

“Well, are you a vampire or human in this scenario?”

“Can I not still be both?”

“If you were a vampire, you would have been a Cullen and if you were human you wouldn’t have been. I don’t know where a half vampire fits in.”

“Well, I would have gone to school with them... “ I paused to think. “No, I don’t fit in that story at all.”

Jake looked at me carefully. He was so tall that it was easier to see him from a distance. I really had to look up if I was too close. He was six foot seven and I was exactly as tall as my mom, five foot four. That put a foot and a quarter between us.

“You’re trying to think of whether I would have fallen in love with you instead of her.” he said, simply.

“Maybe, yeah.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment and I was glad he was actually thinking about it.

“You would have been just like Mom was,” I continued. “In love with two people with no idea what to do about it.”

“I don’t want to think about that.” Jacob said. “It’s such a terrible concept now, thinking of Bella like that. And I was always going to imprint on you.”

“Without that. Without an imprint you wouldn’t have fallen for one of our kind. Maybe you still wouldn’t.”

“Are you implying I wouldn’t love you without the imprint?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I didn’t really think that was a point of contention. If things had been even a little different, we wouldn’t be like this.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying that.”

I stopped to face him fully.

“If Mom had ended up with you: No us. If you had stopped pursuing her and moved on: No us. If you had let her go after she got married: No us.

“Face it, Jacob, the only reason our situation is like this right now is because, for a few moments, you wanted me dead. If everything hadn’t lined up exactly like this, You and I wouldn’t even be half of a thought in someone’s mind.”

“Well,” he began as we started walking again. “Some things are just fated to be, maybe.”

I wondered to myself if that was why I subconsciously thought I was meant to be with Jacob. Things had to be so specific for us to be in our situation. Whether or not it was what I wanted had nothing to do with the fact that it was a miracle. Nahuel and I had been an accident, which felt more right to me because, no matter how innate an imprint was, being able to choose a mate felt more natural. 

“Fated love is a cruel excuse to manipulate circumstance by extorting sentimentality.”

“Now, I know you don’t think that.”

I shrugged.

“So what do you think an imprint is, if not fate?”

I blew out a heavy puff of air, knowing that my honesty wasn’t going to be pretty.

“It seems like you’re getting a downpayment of endorphins with a premonition lent to you by your super wolf senses.”

Jacob looked at me in disbelief.

“How do you manage to make everything more complicated?”

I shrugged again.

“I can’t believe you really think that. I don’t think you do.”

“What; you think it’s magic? Everything is somehow run by a tangible explanation.”

He looked back to where he was walking, wide eyes, shaking his head as if he didn’t actually know what to do with me.

“So you think I’m hormonal because of a supernatural love at first sight?”

“Jake, no matter how it happened, that is literally what an imprint is.”

“How do you know so much about imprints, anyway?”

“It’s logic, not rocket science!”

Our conversation was cut off by actually making it back to the house. I hadn’t really been paying attention to our walking. Through the glass I could see that the family had come out from their hiding places to be recreational in the living room again.

I walked in awkwardly with Jake who, thank goodness, was not covered in mud.

“I actually fell down a hill this time.”


	33. The Sight of No Return

Nahuel was waiting, looking not at all fazed by my running off to see another man. He didn’t even look skeptical at my dirty appearance. He just smiled like he really wanted to laugh.

Alice and Dad were playing chess again, but whatever chess they were playing was excessively convoluted, with layers and multiple boards and pieces I didn’t recognize. Emmet and Rosalie weren’t there and Jasper had taken up a book. Mom and Esme were looking through magazines with Huilen, probably coming up with ideas for another house.

I couldn’t believe the worry I had once had about Huilen. She had so much goodness in her face, something similar to what radiated in Esme.

I went upstairs to take a shower, no longer feeling like anyone cared where I was or that I needed to announce my intentions.

There was nothing to pick between with Jacob and Nahuel; I had made up my mind. There was something about having Jacob waiting as a permanent option that was going to make me uncomfortable for a long time. Imprints were forever, and none of us were dying anytime soon. Jake was only going to start aging once he wasn’t around vampires any longer.

I put on a dark grey sweater dress and piled my wet hair up messily on my head.

Back downstairs, nothing had changed. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting.

I walked over to where Nahuel was sitting and he stood up to greet me.

“How was your morning?”

“Eh,” I replied. “I apologize for running off this morning. “My dream spooked me. I’m not used to them being so vivid. I felt like Jacob was in danger.” I gestured across the room. “Obviously he is not.

“I was worried for you as well,” I clarified, “But I saw you were okay.”

“It’s fine.”

Nahuel seemed like he meant it. I must have looked confused.

“Stop waiting for me to be jealous of Jacob. I won’t be jealous for something I have. I am not jealous that you love your father or mother, or love your aunts and uncles, and I am not jealous that you love Jacob.

“I will be jealous when you love him as you love me. Not before.”

I reached up to kiss him.

“Someone’s coming.” I heard Alice’s voice from across the room, recognizing the flat tone of a vision. I turned without reaching Nahuel to look at the chess game. Dad seemed mildly concerned.

“The Volturi?” I could hear the fear in my mother’s voice.

“No…” Dad translated the vision until Alice could come out of it. “Although this might prompt their interaction.”

“Joham.” 

“My father?” Nahuel answered. I saw the vague alarm on Huilen’s face.

“We should leave.” she prompted.

Nahuel shook his head.

“He’s not coming for Nahuel.”

Everyone turned to look at me for at least a second, some longer.

“The Volturi finally decided to catch up with Joham,” Alice explained, “And they told him about Renesmee. He’s curious.  
“Joham isn’t a threat. There are too many of us.  
“What I’m worried about is why the Volturi let him live.”

I watched Nahuel’s face, wondering what he was thinking but keeping my hands to myself.

“There’s no way they can agree with the kind of force Joham wants to raise,” Esme added, “The Volturi are wise enough to stop any threat to our community.”

“But we are not easy to make.” Nahuel answered them. “Perhaps they do not view him as a threat.”

“All Joham needed to do was pique their interest enough for them to be curious. I’m sure if they let him live, they are keeping a close eye on him.”

Jasper had closed his book and I was sure the room might have been far more tense without him.

“My sisters…?” Were they left alone to live?

“I don’t know.” Alice admitted.

“But he’s coming for Renesmee?” Mom was staring at Alice anxiously. Alice nodded her head.

“I don’t think he wants to hurt her.” she mused.

“Of course not. He’s curious.” 

Nahuel maintained his calm demeanor but I could tell his father was not his favorite subject. He didn’t look at me the whole while. Across the room, Jacob was visibly concerned.

“When is he going to be here?”

“Two, three days at the most. He’s very excited.”

Huilen was looking at Nahuel protectively.

“We should leave,” she whispered.

“I’m not afraid of my father.” 

Nahuel looked at me for the first time since the conversation began, his eyes burning. He took my hand in his and I knew what he meant. He was not scared of what his father wanted with him, but he was worried about what Joham wanted with me.

“I’m sure he’s just curious.” I wanted to believe in my own words and I think I did, but I didn’t like how no one else seemed to.

Everyone seemed to go from whatever they had been doing to thinking. Sure, they all looked like they were doing stuff, but I knew better. Alice, especially, had a determined and unfocused look on her face, as if trying to figure out more. Dad watched her, trying to get the information as soon as it came to her.

Jacob came to stand with Nahuel and I, arms crossed.

“What do you think he wants?”

Nahuel looked back at Jacob, uncertain.

“He likes to experiment. He is more likely to persuade than use force.  
“He knows that if he kills Huilen I will never join him. He is patient. He is practiced. He has the ability to be intimate with a woman and not kill her, but could not do so without that practice. He is determined.  
“The danger of Joham is his curiosity. He will not stop until he learns more or gets what he wants.”

I stood with my arms also crossed, all three of us matching in our posture.

I had a few ideas of what Nahuel’s father might want but I didn’t want to think too hard on any of them and close my mind off to possibilities I might not have thought of.

“We’re going to protect you.” Jacob looked at me seriously.

“Nothing’s happened yet. Alice might be wrong. He might be coming for Nahuel, and if that’s the case, we should prepare for that. What if he and Huilen need to leave?” I hated the thought.

Nahuel shook his head.

“There is nothing for him to want from me except to follow in his footsteps. I have answered all of the questions he had of my existence. But you, who are like us but so different. Why would he not be curious? I am only afraid that his curiosity is dangerous.”

“What could happen? There are twelve of us and one of him.”

“Because he won’t fight. He’ll persuade.”

“Well, there’s nothing he could persuade me to do,” I reasoned.

Nahuel just looked at me with concern, as if knowing something I did not. I was sure there were many things he knew that I did not.

“Well, if I’m meeting the parents, I guess I should figure out what to wear.”

Nahuel laughed but Jacob stayed concerned.

“I guess.” Nahuel laughed, looking sideways at Jacob as if they were sharing the concern for me. I was just trying to lighten the mood.

“We’ll worry about it when he gets here. Maybe you should talk to Huilen,”’ I said to Nahuel. “She looks especially concerned.”

He looked at me as if he was more concerned about me, but I’d feel better if I knew Huilen was feeling better. I stayed where I was standing, watching as he went to sit by her on the couch.

“You seem to cause quite a bit of trouble, don’t you?” Jacob teased.

“It’s been six years, it was about time something got shaken up.” I turned my focus from Nahuel on the couch back to Jacob. “Besides, I don’t think it’s trouble.”

“Well, you might have also inherited a lack of self preservation from Bella.”

“Things worked out for her, didn’t they?”

“Barely.”

“Once again,” I gestured to myself. “Wouldn’t be here…”

“I’m not going to justify the past with the present.”

“That’s the natural order of things, whether you like it or not.”

“You know what…?” He reached over and ruffled the hair the hair on my head, making it fall loose in places.

“Hey!”

“Don’t say anything, but I think you’re smarter than her. Don’t prove me wrong by underestimating circumstances and getting in over your head.”

“ _Don’t get in over your head_.” I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

Jake smiled at me in a way that was not at all unfamiliar but that I only now fully understood. I could feel myself start to blush so I looked away, trying to be distracted. I tried to tell myself that these physiological markers were a consequence of muted anxiety, a response to Jacob’s confessions. The choking, the tripping, the blushing, the dreams… I couldn’t control any of those things.

I didn’t control them with Nahuel, either, though.

“I want to keep an eye on you until all of this is over with. I know you’re not worried, but that doesn’t mean no one else is."

I knew better than to argue.

“Does that mean you’re going to be staying here?”

“Yeah.”

Normally when Jake stayed over he was on my bed with me. We had just grown into it; I had slept next to him as a kid and there was no point when it was weird. Maybe that was why it wasn’t weird to me when Nahuel slept up there, too. The sheets had barely been used, me preferring to curl in a blanket against Jacob’s warm skin.

He looked at my face.

“I’ll sleep on the couch.”

No, I didn’t like it. It felt like I was kicking Jacob out of his spot.

“I’ll sleep at the cottage.”

“Ness, that sort of defeats the purpose of me being here.”

“Well, _I’ll_ sleep on the couch.”

“Ness, it’s fine.”

“I’m not sleeping up there without you.”

Wrong order of words. I thought of five different things to say that were not that. He… he knew what I meant.

“I know what you meant.” he replied to my thoughts without touching me. “And no, we’re not going to pull out the sleeping bags and have a sleepover in the living room.”

“Oh, come on! There’s no way you could know I was thinking that. What, do you read minds now, too?”

“No,” he laughed. “That just seems like a ‘you’ thing to say. I can’t believe I was right.”

I narrowed my eyes and growled, still smiling.

“I’m just saying, it’s a good no-touch sleep in the same room solution.”

“You say no-touch, but the closest I ever got with a woman was in a sleeping bag.”

My face wiped blank.

“What?”

“Your-”

“-Mom. Right.”

“Had to keep her warm that night before…”

I felt sick. It felt like ice water slinking through me.

“It was a-”

“-Long time ago. Yeah.”

The words came next without me thinking.

“She’s your Nahuel.”

It was the wrong thing to say and I would have known it was wrong if I had thought for two seconds before opening my mouth, but picturing him pushed up against my mom in a sleeping bag, kissing her when she didn’t want it, when she did want it, thinking that being with her would be as easy as breathing, thinking he was better for her than my dad was…

It wasn’t the same because what was between him and my mom was over and what was between me and Nahuel was fresh but… first kiss, first love, first time wanting someone like that…

Jacob wanting my mom once was never going to not have something to do with me. He was always going to love her first, every moment until he fell in love with me. We were never going to know what Isabella Swan, human, and Renesmee Cullen, hybrid, looked like in competition without the blasted imprint.

When Jacob had the chance to choose, he chose her. When I had the chance to choose, I chose Nahuel.

“Bella Swan was your Nahuel.” I repeated, truly understanding that I meant it.

I turned to the front door and went outside.


	34. Childish Distraction

The front yard had been doing me no good for a week. I should find a new spot but, with how things had been as I was growing up, this was my bubble. The front yard was where you came to not be in the living room. 

I sat and pulled my legs up, resting my arms on them and my chin on my arms.

Then, someone would come out and we’d say stuff to each other and move on. Mom, Nahuel, Jacob… who was going to find me this time? I wasn’t sure I wanted to be found.

_‘She’s your Nahuel.’_

I hadn’t been _wrong_ , but I still shouldn’t have said it.

There is a trolley problem. Two people are tied on different tracks and if you do nothing, person A gets hit by the train. If you pull the lever, person B gets hit. There’s no situation in which someone doesn’t get hit. Usually, in the metaphor, person A is someone you love and person B is a stranger. The question is: Would you doom someone else in order to save someone you loved?

I was sure the thought was going to go somewhere, but as long as I kept it abstract I wouldn’t have to answer it.

I didn’t really want to be alone. My mind was not my friend.

It might have only been five minutes before I got up and walked inside.

No one had moved. Why would they have? It was still weird to me as time passed and nothing seemed to change. 

Jacob was still right there. It wasn’t a good thing to say, but I wasn’t going to apologize. I was right.

I sighed and scratched my head.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

To my surprise, he seemed almost amused. 

“Why?”

“Because,” I was suddenly self-conscious, lowering my voice. “I shouldn’t have compared the two.”

“You realize,” He matched my volume, bringing his voice even lower, almost mocking me. “I didn’t end up with ‘my Nahuel’.”

_Yeah,_ I thought. _I was feeling bad because Bella got the guy._ Then it hit me: Bella got the _other_ guy. From his perspective, I could understand that I had almost implied that I was going to leave Nahuel like Bella left him. But I had meant that Bella was _his_ Nahuel, not that he was hers. 

Concern flooded into my expression.

“Don’t worry about it,” his voice was back to a normal volume. “I just thought it was funny.”

I shook my head in exasperation, looking over to Nahuel. He met my gaze, uncertain, Huilen speaking with him urgently.

“I don’t know what to do with myself,” I mumbled to Jacob. “In regards to anything.”

“You just need a distraction.  
“A couple of movies, some disgusting human food… give it a few hours and you’ll be distracted or sleeping.”

I had fought sleep a lot through the years, wanting to stay up with everyone else. Jacob had been the one to start showing me some of the movies he had watched as a kid, sitting with me until I fell asleep, usually falling asleep himself.

I started to smile, thinking of watching movies in my room together. I bet there were some Nahuel hadn’t seen.

“Ness, no, we’re not having a slumber party in your room.”

I huffed.

“Don’t kill my buzz.”

“Is that really what you want, for the three of us to pull out the sleeping bags and watch movies in your room all night?”

“Well, it sounds childish _now_.”

For one half of a second, I had gotten so excited about having a movie night again that I stopped thinking about sleeping arrangements and interpersonal drama.

“If you want to watch movies in sleeping bags, we can watch movies in sleeping bags.” 

Jacob dragged his words reluctantly, but I could see that he was happy. The way the happiness spread to his eyes, it really did seem like he was happy because I was happy. I had been spending my time thinking that I didn’t want Jacob to just give me what I wanted because the imprint told him to, but if he was going to smile like that every time he was the reason for my happiness, then I really wanted to be the reason he smiled.

“You’re the best.”

“Second best, but we’ll work on it. I can’t help that your standards need improvement.”

I wanted to shove his arm. I wanted to tease him and make a joke. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. Instead, I just looked at him, feeling as if the expression on my face might not be all that different than the one that had been on his face. How integral was Jacob’s happiness to my own?

I walked behind the couch where Huilen and Nahuel sat.

Suddenly I was struck with how old they were. How childish I was being. But maybe people didn’t need to be an adult all of the time. Maybe sometimes, people just needed an excuse to be distracted.

“We’re going to have a human party upstairs.” I looked at Huilen, not wanting to leave her out. “You can come as well, of course.”

“Thank you for the invitation; I would like to finish the talk with Esme and Bella.”

“Sure.” I was glad she said ‘Bella’ and not ‘Your Mother’.

“Human party?” Nahuel seemed confused.

I shook my head and shrugged.

“We’re just going to watch some movies and stuff.”

“I will come, but not yet.”

“That’s cool.”

I did an awkward double thumbs up. I didn’t even know if that hand gesture meant ‘good’ where they were from. I had, in one minute, gone from a mature adult dating an older man to an awkward kid inviting an adult to a slumber party. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I bit my lip and looked at Jacob. He gave me a double thumbs up with extra enthusiasm.

I smiled and shook my head, looking back at Nahuel.

“I’ll…” I just gestured upstairs and then left with a big breath, not saying another word.

As I passed Jacob I made a quick ‘Yikes’ face before going up the stairs, not stopping long enough to beat my head against a wall.

Walking into my room felt different now than it ever had before… sacred, almost. I was reverent of the memories I had made here, and oddly possessive of them, worried that Jacob would either detect or tarnish them.

“It smells like vampire in here.”

I sat cross legged on the floor at the foot of the bed as Jacob came in.

“Could I have _been_ more stupid?”

He came to sit with me.

“You shouldn’t be so worried about impressing him.”

“I’m not,” I grumbled. “I just feel so immature.”

He took a deep breath. 

“If a man can’t enjoy a good pillow fort, is he really worth being with?”

I slumped over on the floor.

“God… I’m seven.” I mumbled to the carpet.

“Well, sure, if you’re going to do that.”

I made an exasperated muffled noise.

“How about we forego the sleeping bags and just put on a movie. You don’t even like popcorn, anyway.”

I turned to the side, peering out from where my hair had fallen all in my face.

“Can you get my television out of the closet?” I mumbled.

“As you wish.” He stood and rummaged through the closet for the different components of it. I had put the electronics away in an attempt to make my room more minimalist. He set it up straight on the floor and plugged it in. Before sitting down he grabbed all of the blankets off of the bed and dropped them on my head.

I just laid there, mumbling something incoherent.

“What is that? I couldn’t hear you.”

I shoved them off.

“I said thank you.”

My hair was a static disaster, covering my face, stuck to the blankets, shoved under the collar of my dress, twisted around my neck. I didn’t bother as I laid my head in the pile, which had gotten shoved into Jacob’s lap, pulling out a blanket to pull over myself.

He started rewinding the VHS tape that was already in the machine. My family didn’t get my thing for VHS, offering to buy me DVDs or download files for me. I liked the way the tapes sounded in the machines and the grainier quality in some of them, though. I guess it didn’t hurt that a lot of them were Jacob’s.

Jacob pressed play on _The Princess Bride_.

“He’s gonna miss the beginning.” I fussed, already way too comfortable. I thought it must be too early to be sleepy but, in Jacob’s lap, warm in the blankets, it was hard not to get drowsy.

“I’ll start it over if it’s that big of a deal.”

“Mmm.” I closed my eyes for just a second, knowing the movie forwards and backwards. Jake started to pick pieces of hair out of my face, warm fingers moving gently on my skin.

Selfish now was different from selfish then. I tried to remember how I had made all of the decisions I made.

The voices of Cary Elwes and Robin Wright mumbled through the room.

Nahuel hadn’t come up yet. A very small, subconscious part of me wished he wouldn’t and that I could just have this moment with Jacob. Simple. That’s not how it worked, though. You pick and you decide and you stay with it.

Jake worked his way through my hair, his hand light on my neck, pulling strands of hair from my collar, his fingers in my hairline, brushing hair off of my face.

_That feels nice._ I thought, his fingers coming and going so that I wondered if he heard me. It didn’t matter.

There was a blurred line. This was how I had always been with Jacob. Always. My whole life. Should it be different now? Did it mean something different now?

How would this be different if I was just like this but with Nahuel…? Vaguely I felt dissatisfaction; I wondered if it was in Jacob’s thoughts in mine. The thought continued into me wondering how things would have been different if I did with Jacob the things I had done with Nahuel. I wondered if that was Jacob in my head, too. The vague feeling changed into something still and stunned.

Jacob was going to give me privacy.

_I don’t care about keeping anything from you, but you might not want the answers you’re going to get._ I repeated Jacob’s words from that morning.

There was a lot that I didn’t want Jacob to see, but that was for his sake. I didn’t want to accidentally think something about Nahuel and hurt him.

_You’re still the only one allowed to watch me dream._ The thought felt like a yawn in my head. I shouldn't have thought it but I couldn't help it. Would I be embarrassed later? Maybe. He was still allowed. I knew that it was only fear that was keeping me from wanting Nahuel in my head so fully. 

Jacob's touch was hesitant on me now..

Maybe I wasn’t being fair. I was trying to be. I wasn’t trying to be a tease… just honest.

_Not fair…_ his thought ebbed in my mind softly, barely, as if even he didn’t know he was sharing it. _Not fair would be showing you the dreams you had before._

I knew what he meant. The dreams he had told me that I’d been having for a year before, the dreams that were something along the lines of kissing him.

_My dreams._ They were my dreams; I couldn’t know them?

He didn’t want them to manipulate my feelings.

_That bad, huh? Dreams of you would change my mind of real events?_

He didn’t even offer a snarky comment, just caution and fear.

_No fun._

I thought about it. _Are you scared? To be in my mind and see something you don’t want to?_

_No._

Jacob was scared of seeing something he wanted to see.

I wanted to sit up and look at him. I wanted to say words. I wanted to change something, make something different, fix something. Jacob deserved anything he wanted. If he wanted me, he deserved to have me. Why couldn’t I give him that?

“Things like that.”

His voice was hoarse, the words coming out as if through a steel grate.

I was hurting him.

_You’re not._

The movie played on.


	35. Rewind to Replay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains dream sequences so the writing gets convoluted and intangible. Confusion intended.
> 
> Reader Warning: There is a brief description of implied intimacy

My mind started to dull, the world tuning out with the words of the movie, the soft touch of Jacob’s fingers in my hair calming me.

He was distracted. He wasn’t telling me things because I wasn’t dreaming now. There was nothing here to talk to. He was just distracted and he wished he wasn’t. He could just give me what I wanted.

He wanted to back off. He didn’t want to find Nahuel here. He couldn’t leave this touch. I wanted to touch back but I was numb, senseless, catching the abstract corners of his consciousness.

First. Once. The first. 

_Cool wind whistles around my body. The sky crawls in on itself, clouds chasing over themselves for a violet storm. I’m at the edge of the forest. It’s safe there, but there’s danger. Ahead are cliffs, danger, but safe._

_Jacob watching me choose, coming to catch me._

_‘It’s different now.’_

_‘It’s not,’ he reassures me, offering a hand._

_‘No.’ I back up a step but the trees threaten me, the darkness a dense abyss, the branches clawing for me. Gravity wants to suck me in. He offers his hand more urgently._

_‘It’s not different. You’re imagining things. Take my hand. Come out. I’ll catch you.’_

_I shake my head._

_‘You’re not at the bottom. It’s different and you won’t catch me. I’m not going to fall.’ I look at the cliffs and at his hand, the forest ready to swallow me. ‘But I will miss you.’_

_‘Miss me where?’_

_With a deep breath, I try to pull myself from the dark, into the storm. I can’t; I’m stopped, running the way you only do in dreams, as if my feet are caught in vines, holding me, suffocating me. I can’t breathe. He offers his hand. It’s stupid now. I don’t want it like this. I don’t want the hand like this, but I’m not getting sucked in, either._

_Something breaks like a ‘pop’ and I’m free, still slow but the cliffs widen in a dolly zoom. I’m going to jump._

_Jacob catches me, both arms tight, restraining me._

_‘No.’_

_‘Let me go!’_

_‘No.’_

_He holds me still and looks at me for a long moment. Then, his mouth is on mine, kissing me as if breathing air into my lungs. The vines don’t matter; I can breathe. It was like I learned to breathe for the first time._

_Jacob tangles into me._

My mind tumbles. Another. Again. Remember.

_Help._

_Leg like rubber. Arm on the floor. Glitch. Ache. Confusion._

_‘Put yourself together.’ he is amused._

_‘Ha.’ I’m less amused, but now I have an arm._

_‘Stop being like that.’_

_‘I’m not being like anything.’ my leg works._

_Don’t break me_

_‘I love you.’_

_Its Jacob talking to me._

_The leg wobbles. I feel unreal._

_Help. Please help._

_‘I don’t love you like that.’ I say. I crumble. There’s nothing left._

_More._

_‘Tell me how it is, then.’_

_I’ve fallen on the floor. I’m whole. He holds my chin, face inches from mine. I can feel my skin, like new, the shape of me carved into the space carefully. I can feel myself, whole._

_I can’t move._

_‘I love you… like…’ if I could reach his lips, I could tell him. I can’t. I can’t speak. I’m not whole enough. I wasn’t whole enough, but I am now. I just need him to see. Look down! See me! I’m here! Come to me. I can’t reach you._

_I watch him, frustrated, paralyzed, unable to reach._

_I break out of my body, the way souls do in the moves, pushing past, mad. He’s frozen with my body, though. I grab his face, kiss him hard. He doesn’t know. He’s frozen. I kiss him again, but he’s like a statue._

_I can’t get back in my body._

_Help._

New. Bad. Wait. No. Wait.

Not this one.

_My hands are in his hair, hot like a fever._

_Movement like a pulse._

_Legs wrapped around._

_Sweat._

_Bare chest. Mine. His._

_Hearts too fast, breathing too rough._

_Colors like pink and red, hazy, lights slow fading exposure on an arm, sliding down, leg moving up, mouth to a neck… fingers dragging down my back…_

_Jacob whispers in my ear…_

_‘Renesmee’._

“Renesmee… hey.”

“Mm…” awake. I sat straight up, too fast. “I didn’t do anything! It wasn’t me!”

I spat some hair out of my mouth, taking a second to remember that no one had been in my head. Except… oh, god.

I looked back. Jacob was still there. I pushed myself away from him, just an extra inch or two as I looked up at Nahuel.

“How long was I out for?”

I noticed _The Princess Bride_ still plating in the background. 

“Twenty, maybe thirty minutes. Nahuel just got up here.”

“Oh.”

“This is the human party?” he was still chuckling at my frazzled state.

“Yeah, we should start this movie over. It’s really good.” I distracted myself with talking. “And I fell asleep, so I missed the first part, anyway.” I looked cautiously at Jacob as I pressed rewind. Nahuel brought some pillows off of the bed to sit against.

I pressed play again, taking a deep breath, feeling especially cold. I wrapped a blanket around myself, making myself as small as possible sitting straight up, legs pulled in. 

Nahuel and Jacob were just fine watching the movie in silence, which I was glad for. I didn’t want to talk.

I looked sideways at Jacob.

Had he… seen that? Were those…? They didn’t feel like dreams; they felt like memories. Memories of dreams. Only dreams looked like that.

Jacob kept his face turned toward the television but occasionally stole glances at me sideways. He looked anxious.

I wanted to know.

I couldn’t just sit here.

My heart was flustered, confusing my body. 

I held my legs tighter.

This was supposed to be a distraction, not a trigger.

They both knew, but neither was going to ask.

I had been so concerned about my thoughts about Nahuel being alarming to Jacob… If… If Jacob knew…

“Was it a dream again?” Nahuel asked. I nodded feebly.

“Was it a bad dream, or just vivid?”

I looked at Jacob warily. I shook my head lightly.

“Just… distracting.” What was the right word? Disturbing?

I wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment, wondering what each of them must be reading into my body language… my face… I wondered what I must look like, now, to them. 

If Jacob had been in my head, then he knew my dreams were about him; I wasn’t sure if that was better or worse for our relationship, if he saw that. Jacob had told me that he was more scared to see something that he wanted to than something he didn’t.

And Nahuel… it was possible for him to think that I was blushing because of something Jacob had seen in my mind about him. My anxiety didn’t immediately mean I had done something wrong. Were my dreams my fault?

I had an odd suspicion, though… from the way the images had played out in my head, almost as if I was watching my own memories. I wondered if Jake had fed me those dreams I had over the past year that we hadn’t talked about.

“If you ever feel embarrassed, I’ll tell you my worst dreams.” Nahuel tried to comfort me. “I have never even told Huilen, they are so bad.”

I turned to him, a smile playing on my face, his distraction working.

“Don’t tell me, if they’re so bad. Your mind is your own.” I recalled the words he had said to me in the forest when I worried about influencing his decision, right before I gave into kissing him.

“Okay then; I will promise you: If I ever see a dream that you are embarrassed of, or if you tell me, I will share with you mine.”

“Deal.”

“We do not choose our dreams. Minds make themselves tell the best stories they can, confusing characters and desires, fears and abilities. In a dream we can long for things we do not want, be terrified of a place that soothes us, and do things we cannot.   
“It is the thoughts you choose that are who you are.”

It was my imagination, but it almost seemed like the words were meant as much for Jacob as for me.

“That was wise.” I mused.

“Well, he’s had a century and a half to get there.”

I turned my attention to Jacob.

“Would you like me to pat you on the head and tell you that you say wise things, too?”

Jacob’s expression soured at this.

“I’m not jealous of an old man. I was just stating the obvious. It’s less impressive coming from him.”

“Mm.” I leaned against the bed, turning my attention to the restarted movie. “Do I need to start this again?” No one said anything. “I’m going to restart it and we’ll all actually watch it this time.”

Jacob and I usually talked the whole time through movies because I had seen them all before. Movies were to me what music was to my dad. I used to dream of being an actress, getting to live a new life on every set.

I had also had dreams of being an archaeologist, once, or an explorer. 

I changed my mind every other week. I could do them all, I guessed, if I was going to be around for so long, but I was impatient, wanting to be everything right now.

I watched Nahuel watch the movie. I wondered if he wanted a life like that… settled. Was he more comfortable being nomadic with Huilen? I couldn’t imagine living so much life so simply. Maybe it wasn’t a simple life, though; What did I know about a nomadic lifestyle?

I knew that Jacob would come with me if I followed my dreams. He had said, my entire life, that he would follow me anywhere. It was fun make pretend when the farthest I could see was my own backyard, unable to really picture not living with the Cullens forever. Of course Jacob would be with me because he was with the Cullens, which was where I was.

Before this past week, the world seemed too big and intimidating on my own. If I was going to school, it would be with my parents. If I moved, it would be with my parents. Why would I ever leave them?

Starting a life without my family would be a completely different concept.

Starting a life with Nahuel. 

But if I left to have that independent life and I went with Nahuel… well, Jacob wasn’t going to follow me around forever with some other man. I was torn between being worried that he couldn’t stay away and, what I was really worried about, leaving him behind.

I buried myself more deeply in my blanket pile, swaddling my upright body until I was barely more than a head.

There wasn’t a decision to make: I loved Jacob and was in love with Nahuel. It wasn’t complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to give a big shout out to bash1018 and EMHW_Bear for your continued readership and comments and also to everyone who has read this far. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


	36. Problem and Persuasion

I kept waiting for them to fall asleep, uncomfortable with the set up. Three movies in and none of us had hardly moved.

“Aren’t either of you _tired_?” I said under my breath.

“Mm. You first.” Jake grunted.

I stood up, blankets still gathered around me and walked over to my desk, a small antique thing that had been painted white once, now flaking lead paint at the edges. I sat down and opened my laptop, the closest thing to contact with the outside world that I had been granted.

“I have an email notification.”

I had turned off all of the alerts for websites that I visited and knew no one else that might contact me.

_Renesmee! Hi._

_It’s Maggie._

_I said I would get in touch, didn’t I? I got this computer. How I got it is not that important… I didn’t steal it._

_Anyway, I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. As soon as I figured out how to set up email I got a message from Alice with your address. She is very convenient at times, is she not?  
Message me back if you get this._

_-Maggie_

I smiled at the words, looking over to where Jake was yawning at _The Lion King_ which Nahuel was watching intently.

_Maggie._

_Things have gotten complicated here, so much has happened. I wish you were here; I feel that we did not get to know each other as well as we might have._

_I would be worried about the words I write, although I have reason to think that the Volturi are at least partially aware of the situation._

_Alice has seen a vision of Nahuel’s father coming here to see me. He is really obsessive over the concept of human-vampire hybrids and I would like to think that he is simply curious. The part that is of concern is that Alice has seen the Volturi already having found him. You were there when they implied the consequences of finding him._

_It was the Volturi who told Joham (Nahuel’s biological father) about me and where to find us. I can not imagine their intentions._

_Then there are more…_

I tried to think of an appropriate word.

_...intimate matters involving Jacob and Nahuel and I, not all together, but how each of them relate to me at the moment. It seems petty in comparison, but I am being honest._

_-Renesmee_

I clicked send, wondering if I was too tired to write such an important message, acknowledging that I should have at least re-read it.

I heard a chime come from the computer.

_Should I come?_

That was fast.

_That seems inconvenient for you and is probably unnecessary, but if you want to, I’m sure you are welcome._

I sent it and received a reply.

_I’ll talk to Siobhan and Liam. I’m sure they will be curious. Do not worry, though, we shall keep this within our clan._

I half smiled at the response.

_Thank you._

It was after I stepped away from the computer that I thought of how invaluable Maggie’s gift would be for discovering Joham’s intentions. I didn’t want to say that, though, preferring for her to come for the company.

“Who was that?”Jake turned to look at me.

“Maggie.” he looked confused. “Little redhead. I clarified. “She just got a computer.”

“How does a red eyed bloodsucker go about getting a computer?”

“First of all, stop. Second of all, I didn’t ask.”

“Did you tell her about what’s going on?”

“Of course I did.”

Nahuel turned to look at me as well, brows furrowed. 

It was probably one or two in the morning, The window behind them black, even against the dark room, my reflection a vague figure, arms crossed.

“Are you worried about it?” Nahuel asked.

“Not really.”

“Well, maybe you should be.” Jake sat up straighter, voice a bit sharper.

“I can’t imagine the worst that could happen and there’s nothing we can do about it now. We shouldn’t make a big deal about it.”

“I don’t like it.” Nahuel’s voice lowered.

I uncrossed my arms to shrug dramatically.

Jacob looked from Nahuel to me.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight until it’s all over with. If it’s nothing, it’s nothing, but we don’t prepare for the best case scenario. You can hate me for it, but that’s how it’s going to be for me.”

I sighed.

“I don’t hate you for being protective, Jacob, I really just don’t think it’s going to amount to much.”

“I’ve spent ninety percent of your life by your side. Is this really going to be all that much different?”

I looked to Nahuel who was looking at Jacob with an expression I couldn’t understand. It was different now. Nahuel wasn’t going to leave me; he should be enough for whatever happened.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Nahuel echoed the sentiment.

What? 

“There might be a moment you need him for something I can’t do. If I must deal with my father, Jacob can keep you safe.”

“This is nice and all, but why are we conveniently forgetting the other eight vampires who live here, plus Huilen?”

Nahuel looked as if he was speaking reluctantly.

“Because Jacob has something to lose.”

I didn’t get it.

“My father is smart," Nahuel continued, "He is persuasive, and if he can make everyone believe that what he wants is best for you, he will make you believe it and he will make them believe it.”

“What are you talking about; this is ridiculous.”

“You know what he wants.” Jacob spoke at Nahuel.

“I have an idea.”

I felt empty, standing in front of both of them who were sitting on the ground.

“If you asked your family to leave with only Huilen and I, to visit where I live, what would they say?”

“They’d be fine with it.”

“What would Jacob say?”

I looked at Jacob who was looking straight back at me. He’d want to be close to me; he wouldn’t care what I wanted unless I told him explicitly to stay away. He cared about me but, more than that, he needed me. My family loved me, they wanted me here, with them, but they had each other. Jacob was bonded to me in a way that made it harder for him to let go. Impossible.

After a prolonged glance, I looked back at Nahuel.

“All he needs is to promise you that he means no harm, that he is just curious, that you should be with me and come away with me and he won’t have so many people to go through.”

“My family is smarter than that. My dad can see into people’s minds, Jasper can read emotions, Alice can predict the future…”

“But Joham believes himself. I know him because it is personal for me, for Huilen.  
“Will your father not read his sincerity, will Alice not see his intentions, will Jasper not feel his calm and curiosity? Will Huilen and I seem paranoid in comparison?”

I knew that there was no way they would go with anything Joham said.

“So tell them this! They’re not stupid. I think you’re underestimating them.”

“I am not underestimating them, I am preparing.”

“What, you think his goal is to get me to run away with you so he can be curious away from my family?”

I sat down, finally, sinking softly to my knees, not quite between the two of them, but close enough.

“Does your family want you to be happy?”

“Yeah.”

“If you want to be happy with me, will they stop you?”

“No. I don’t understand where you’re going with this.”

“Renesmee,” he pulled my hand in his. “Do you know what is different, to my father, between you and my sisters?”

“I’m not his kid. I’m not related.”

Nahuel seemed as if he really didn’t want to keep going.

“It is unwise to attempt to breed incestuously.”

I froze.

“You think… You think he wants me… to…”

“Why would he test a theory with his own daughters?”

I relaxed from sitting on my knees to crossing my legs.

“My… my parents don’t want that.”

“Maybe, but he won’t let it happen.” he nodded to Jacob.

I looked at Jake with an expression that must have been at least somewhat horrified. He didn’t seem to be reacting except with the same vague worry that had been on his face. Had he figured this out on his own?

“Alice didn’t predict your mom getting pregnant with you.” Jake looked mildly mad, something that amplified would have transformed him. “And she can barely see you.  
“Edward can only see what someone’s thinking at the moment.  
“I see Nahuel’s point, that if things go right…”

I took a deep breath, trying to think.

“Okay, but you and I know better, so we just won’t go along with what he says…”

“He’ll wait.”

“But…!”

“Renesmee, we can’t let him know that we’re together. If I’m right, it will only fuel him. He doesn’t have to do more than encourage us to be together and then keep an eye on us. He can come up with a plan after.  
“Jacob needs to be selfish and keep you away from me for at least until he is gone.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

Nahuel addressed Jacob.

“I know it’s a lot to ask.”

“I’m not sure you actually know what you’re asking, Nahuel.”

Nahuel looked back to me.

“We need to make your family believe you don’t want to be with me. They won’t try to find a way to make it work, they won’t have a reason to let you be with me.”

“This is drastic. My dad can read minds. This is a stupid plan about something that we don’t even know is going to happen. Besides, how is Jacob going to keep me away if we’re just trying to pretend that you and I aren’t together? I don’t really need a bodyguard for that.”

“Extra line of defense.” Jacob muttered.

“What?”

“That’s why I said it’s a lot to ask.”

“And you’ll, what? Pretend to want nothing to do with her?” Jacob looked at Nahuel seriously. “It’s not going to work that way. Edward can read minds. You know it’s not going to work that way.”

Nahuel took a deep breath, looking at me with a sort of sadness I couldn’t put together.

“We’ll talk about it again tomorrow.”


	37. The Almost Choice

None of us really slept, but we did stop talking, each of us silent in our spots. 

I didn’t understand why we couldn’t just tell the family what we thought Joham was coming for. They didn’t want me to go through what my mother did; they certainly wouldn’t be pro ‘experiment dangerously on Renesmee’.

The only thing that I could think that maybe Nahuel was planning for, planning for the worst, would be any solution in which running away with him and Huilen would be a solution. My family would probably go for that, even I would. The only person who would hate that idea would be Jacob.

Or if we told everyone what we knew and they disregarded it. I doubted that, though.

Maybe it was just a matter of Nahuel knowing something I didn’t.

I wasn’t going to worry about it.

So some guy was going to try to convince me to love the man I was in love with. Was that really so bad? Pretend for a couple of days that I wasn’t that into him, maybe have someone try to convince me to be into him… If half-vampire babies was really what Joham wanted, all I needed to do was not have sex. I was already not doing that.

Besides, what were the chances that my family hadn’t figured it all out for themselves… Or even if that was what he wanted? It might be nothing.

I must have fallen asleep sometime before dawn, waking up after noon the next day. I peeked one eye out from my blanket pile to see the direction the light was hitting the trees.

“I hate sleeping late.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jacob said a foot or so away from me, sitting up. I wondered if he slept. “Sleeping in is one of the joys of life.”

“Mm.” I looked around, sitting up. “Where’d Nahuel go?”

“Hunting, I think.”

“Guess it couldn’t wait…” my voice trailed off and I laid back down, feeling more exhausted than I had the right to. Then I remembered something.

“Jake, my dreams yesterday when I fell asleep on you; was that you?”

“I was remembering them." he replied. "I’m sorry. You had each of those dreams on nights when you were laying in my lap like that. I wasn’t trying to project them to you. I wasn’t getting anything on your end so I assumed you were conked out.”

“They weren’t what I expected.”

“Well, they weren’t what I expected, either.”

“Was it weird to experience them from my perspective?”

“Your thoughts are always from your perspective.”

“No,” I sat back up again, fidgety. “I mean experiencing wanting yourself.”

“Heh.” he laughed. “No, I’ve had weird dreams like that. It doesn’t feel as real as when you’re dreaming it."

It was a lie. I hadn’t gotten my dreams back, I had gotten his memories of my dreams, which meant every feeling I had was not only the feeling I had when I was dreaming, but the feeling he experienced when he remembered them. I’d let him have the lie, though.

“They were weird. I thought I was just going to be kissing you but in one my leg went numb and another one I was trying to jump off of a cliff. If I hadn’t thought dreams were symbolic, I know better now.”

Jacob’s face was sad. It was like he was happy but with the knowledge that something bad was going to happen.

“What is it?”

“If there was no Nahuel, would it be different between us?”

“You asked me yesterday.”

“Tell me again.”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Especially when I already told you.”

“Nessie, if there was no Nahuel, would it have been me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” I admitted. It wasn’t something he wanted to hear, I was sure, but it was true. “I still sometimes feel like fate wanted me with you but then I have to remind myself that it’s just the imprint.” 

“So what?”

“ _So what?_ What do you mean ‘So what?’ That’s how it is.”

“I mean, what if the imprint is the result, not the cause?”

“Jacob....”

“No, hear me out. What if the imprint is like time played backwards. Instead of predicting what’s going to happen, it’s telling you what has already happened.”

“Jake. That is the exact same thing. That’s fate. That’s what that is.”

“It just means we’re going to end up together eventually….”

“Jake, don’t do this.”

I stood up and started putting stuff back on the bed.

“I’m just saying that if anything ever happens, would you be with me?”

I left the silence hanging for a moment before turning to face where he was now standing.

“Jake, you’re not a rebound. I’m not going to use you to cure my wounds like my mom did. You deserve better than that.”

"There is no better than you. There’s no one else to wait for. I’ll be your rebound. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on. I’ll be anything you need me to be.”

“But you thought that about Bella, too.” 

“That was different.”

“Yeah, because this time you don’t have a choice.” I was reminded of the conversation we had in the cottage. 

“Do you have a choice with him?”

I froze.

“Do you have a choice with Nahuel? Is the way you feel for him something that you decided logically one day? Why is this different?  
“Why him and not me?”

I reached over and grabbed his hand.

_He was first._

I didn’t like how true it was. I couldn’t say it out loud. If Jacob had admitted being in love with me that evening on the cliff, maybe I would have been his. Nahuel would have intrigued me and I would have liked him a lot, but maybe I’d have whatever happened on the cliff in the back of my mind. 

Maybe. It was a stretch, but maybe I was just blinded by loving Nahuel now.

If the next morning Jake had not reassured me that everything was platonic, maybe I wouldn’t have made out with Nahuel at the cottage.

Maybe.

The thing was, I loved Nahuel, but certain things had to be put together for me to realize that, and if those things had not come together, how could I say it wouldn’t have been different?

Behind all of that , weighing on me, was this idea that no matter how much I loved Nahuel, it was wrong. I kept waiting for him to prove me right. I kept waiting for Nahuel to break my heart, to realize that I was too young, too immature, not enough, too childish and naive. I was waiting for Nahuel to realize I wasn’t worth it.

I wasn’t waiting for Jacob to realize I wasn’t worth it. Jacob was always going to love me like this. But I wasn’t going to form a preference for his love because it was unconditional. That was wrong. 

_You don’t want to hear that. You don’t want to hear that you’re everything I want. You don’t want to hear that there’s nothing wrong with you, or that in some ways you’re better._

_I would love to give you a reason that I don’t love you like that, but the truth is that I’m scared to let myself toy around with the idea of falling for you because it might just happen and I can’t jeopardize what I have going on._

_I’m in love with Nahuel, but before I kissed him, I dreamed of kissing you._

I let go, watching Jacob with a sad expression.

What ifs didn’t change anything. I didn’t think about Jake like that, but I knew that somewhere in my subconscious, my maturing mind had found something to latch onto, someone devoted and not unattractive; Who knows what I would have eventually done with those dreams?

But Nahuel _did_ come and I _did_ fall in love with him. I had them both side by side and I had picked Nahuel, so there was no use wondering what would have been otherwise. 

“I should eat, too. I’m kind of upset that Nahuel got a head start, but I’m not going to stay thirsty just to pout about it.” 

I went to walk out of the door.

“I assume you’re coming, unless you don’t want to.”

Jacob nodded and followed.

I couldn’t keep playing this game forever, but maybe as time went on I would learn how to balance the two. I threw on some jeans and a t-shirt, not wanting to hunt in a dress. I threw my hair up into a ponytail on the way out the door, Jacob in tow.

“You weren’t planning on coming.” I said more as a statement than a question.

“No, I was going to let you go on your own. I figured you’d meet up with Nahuel.”

“Yeah. I just remember last night you said something about not letting me out of your sight.”

“Well, you don’t seem to be in any immediate danger today.”

“Hey, I don’t care. I’m just thinking about you.”

“How considerate, dragging me out into the woods when I could be sleeping.”

“It’s afternoon!”

We walked through the trees, so wide and tall; even if it was the home I knew, I could see the magic in it.

“You’d barely know, though.” I grouched at the cloudy sky, holding my hand out as if rain was going to hop down from the cloud into my palm. “I wonder if, in other places, there’s a sort of mood that comes with rain instead of just, you know, it being a thing.”

“Maybe.” Jake reasoned. “They certainly put it in dramatic movie scenes enough.”

We kept walking, not really seeming like we were going hunting, aiming for stealth instead of pursuit. Talking was usually bad for stealth.

“I wonder if I was meant to go find him or leave him to his own devices. Eh. I’m not clingy. I had half a thought that he might have run away. That’s stupid, though.”

“Heh.” Jacob seemed uncomfortable.

“I guess I should shut up if we’re going to find anything.”


	38. Shattered

We kept on in silence, the forest so quiet that it almost seemed like nothing was in it at all. We climbed the next hill together, looking down the slope to see Nahuel. It seemed as if he was headed back.

“What are you doing here?” his voice was hollow.

“Hunting.” I felt defensive. “Why, what are you doing?”

He just looked stiffly at me and then at Jacob. He nodded once.

“Were you following me?”

“No. I was just also thirsty.” I measured each word carefully.

“Didn’t you think there might be a reason I went alone? That I didn’t want company?”

“Well, leave a note next time; preferably something a little more cryptic than ‘I’m going into the woods alone, don’t follow me’.” I went to laugh but he didn’t seem amused.

“I shouldn’t have to try this hard to get away from you. I’m used to being alone, even with Huilen. Being around you this much is… unsettling.”

“O...kay?”

“I guess I can’t expect you to not be so clingy.”

“Is this-? Am I missing something here? If you’re trying to pick a fight you’re doing a terrible job. Like, do you want me to pick a fight _for_ you?”

I looked around like there was supposed to be something in plain sight that I was missing.

“Last night I just realized how young you are.”

“What was all this about being the same age?”

I was vividly reminded of the stories I had heard of my dad leaving my mom to protect her and then, last night, talking about needing to pretend that Nahuel and I were not together and how I may or may not have been reluctant to such a plan. I thought I was fairly cooperative.

“I was wrong.”

“Oh, bullshit.”

“Renesmee…”

“Tell me what this is really about.”

Nahuel took a deep breath and looked behind me at Jacob. I looked back, unable to read him.

“I thought that I could handle the bond between you two and I can’t. When I woke up and saw you laying next to each other…  
“I didn’t want to make this about that because I know how much he means to you and I kept thinking of ways I could let you down, gently… I just can’t be around you, knowing about him. I tried and… it’s just easier to stop now before we go too far.”

I looked at him carefully.

“Because you’re waiting for me to run off to him.”

“No. If you stayed with me forever, it would never be enough. He’s always going to look at you like that and I’m always going to know that’s part of where your heart lies.”

“I don’t think that’s really it,” I shook my head. “No, you know it’s not like that.”

“I heard you.”

I stopped, my blood running cold. 

I would have told Nahuel everything; anything he wanted to know.

“Dreams aren’t…”

“Not in your dreams. I heard you telling him that if it wasn’t me that it would have been him. I know how much you love him. I don’t want to be just as well as him and… when I thought about it… what are we doing?

“Renesmee, you’re amazing, but I don’t want this. I told you that I wasn’t caught up in what we are, but I was lying to you and to myself. I thought of the possibility of my father learning about more people out there like us and…

“I know I said it was you, but it wasn’t.

“You’re young. It was wrong of me to say that we were the same. A lot was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you like that.

“But even if all of that was different, even if I thought I could love someone as young as you, truly, or think that I knew you so much to be in love with you as a person and not a concept…

“There would still be him.”

I felt like I was having a bad dream.

“This is convenient timing.”

“Last night made me think a lot. I came out here to think. It is why I did not want you with me. Maybe I was going to think longer, but I know where my mind was going to be. I can’t be with you like this. I can’t… love you… like that. I shouldn’t have said it when I didn’t know what it meant. I used it freely with no thought of how I might hurt you.”

“Nahuel…”

“Do you love him?” his face was urgent, but detached.

“I do.”

“Are you in love with him?”

“It’s not the same.”

“It is the same. I heard you tell him that it was the same.”

I thought of all of the things we had experienced together.

“I realized, when you said that you loved him like that, this is why I was not jealous. I fell in love with the idea of you. I never loved you. Because I couldn’t care that you loved him. You are a child and I was stupid for letting it go this far.”

“This is… a lot.”

I felt frozen but stole a stiff look at Jacob. His face was flat… a little mad…

“I still don’t believe-”

“Renesmee, stop. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. I won’t forgive myself if I keep stringing you along now that I realize how wrong this has been. Have you not felt that we were wrong from the start? None of this…” he shook his head slightly as if disgusted by his memories. “I can not believe what I have been doing.”

It was getting harder and harder to tell myself that this was convenient timing. Yeah, it was, but he had a point.

“When I thought, last night, about pretending to break up with you I felt such relief, and I know that is not how love should be. You should not feel like you are trapped to an immature child who already has someone to love.”

“Well,” I felt like I was going to throw up. “When you put it like that.”

“I can’t even say it was nice while it lasted. Maybe it was at the time, but looking back…” he seemed disgusted.

I glared at the tree to my right impatiently, trying not to cry, body shaking slightly, whether from fear or anger I couldn’t tell.

“I still… love you.” 

“Don’t. It is a wasted emotion. I did not and could not love you back.”

“Are you and Huilen leaving?” my voice was less than a whisper, afraid that any volume louder would bring the tears out.

“We will stay for my father. I hope that we can be civil.”

I bit my tongue and nodded once, hard.

He looked at me for a moment as if he was genuinely concerned that he had hurt me then awkwardly disengaged to leave.

I didn’t move.

“That’s…” it was like my mouth was filled with cotton. “That’s not real.”

Jacob didn’t say anything. He had just stood there the whole time.

“It’s like when Dad broke up with Mom. It’ll be fine on the other side. I’m not…” I shook my head. “If I love you now it won’t be real. You’re not… I can’t love you less but I can’t…” I wasn’t looking at Jacob.

If I had to sever this love with Nahuel somehow but still love Jacob the same, there were inherent implications that I didn’t want to deal with. 

“What is it?”

“I lost you both. I deserve it, I’m sure, somehow, but I’m rather upset about it right now.” My voice was tight, composure fragile.

“What do you mean you lost me?”

“Is this convenient?” I was being unfair but I was mad, sure that I was missing something. “This changes things for you and I, too.” 

No. I would not hurt Jacob by continuing to love him now. If I ever, ever, ever let myself get over Nahuel, it would mean that I loved Jacob most. Maybe it was because Jacob and I had just been talking about ‘what if’s, but I hadn’t wanted to ever face them. I just wanted to be hurt. No matter what I did now, it would be inherently circumstantial. I could never risk letting myself rebound to Jacob. I just wanted to be hurt, alone. 

“I never want any sentence to end with ‘…if Nahuel hadn’t broken up with me.’” I declared. “Nothing changes right now. _Nothing._ This is a circumstance but it’s not different. Don’t think I’ll change my mind now.  
“You’re not a back-up or a rebound. I’m not my mom. This changes nothing between us.”

“You…” Jacob looked from where I stood to where Nahuel had been. “Your first concern about this is that _I’m_ going to get hurt?’

“Yeah.” I sniffed.

“Nessie,” He pulled me in. “You’re really stupid.”

I didn’t move. I just stared blankly from where I was in Jacob’s arms across the forest. 

_I don’t feel anything. Is that normal?_

_It’ll hit you tomorrow._

_I know. I’m just hoping it won’t be true tomorrow. But even…_

I pulled away.

“I’m just thinking a lot of things right now.”

I walked, sort of dazed, in the direction that we had been going.

“I’m here if you want to talk about it,” Jacob said, seeming uncertain about offering his help.

I didn’t want him to hear what he would want to hear. That it was less complicated now, that there was one clear choice. Especially because it wasn’t a choice; it was a corner. I had wondered if I would be with Jacob if circumstances were different; why had I thought ‘yes’ then, but ‘no’ now?

Had fate been pushing me to Jacob all along? Had I been wrong all along? It hadn’t felt wrong, but if it had been wrong, then ‘right’ wasn’t so complicated.

Maybe the right reaction was to fight, but most of what Nahuel had told me were things I knew. I was young and immature. I was. We hadn’t known each other long and had jumped in fast and had said ‘I love you’ too soon. And I was in love with Jacob in some way. He wasn’t wrong. That bond wasn’t going to go away.

Hearing that thinking of leaving me brought Nahuel relief… sucked.

But the thoughts I was having now were wrong eruptions of possibility. Feeling like this happened because I was wrong to begin with, lying to myself, thinking I had a choice in fate. I didn’t like it and Jacob couldn’t hear; it wouldn’t be good for him. Me, letting myself wonder things.

I was trying so hard to cram reason into the situation. If I was fated to be with Jacob, then this was a blessing in disguise. Maybe if I thought that hard enough, this wouldn’t hurt. The only thing was, playing at that game was no way to drag Jacob’s love around.

It was better to be hurt now and not believe in fate then to pretend that Jacob and I were fated to be together by the goddamn fucking imprint and that was why this was happening.

“I don’t want to go back.” I shook my head once.

“Not tonight?”

“Not tonight.”

“Where do you want to go?” Jacob stayed behind me, cautiously following my lead. I stood, facing away from him, fists on my hips, holding myself together.

“Camping. Want to go camping? Let’s go to the cliffs.”

“You sure?” His voice was still behind, but closer.

“Yeah, um.” I turned to face him. Tall. Familiar. “I don’t want to see people.” I didn’t have to tell him that he wasn’t people. 

I could barely get my vision to focus. I didn’t really feel like hunting anymore.

Was it more wrong to be selfish? I was going to hurt Jacob with the truth, but I couldn't lie. I couldn't pretend that getting over Nahuel, if I even ever could, wouldn't inherently push me toward Jacob. I loved him too much for that to not be the case. Was it worth it to distract myself with the thoughts in my head?

I wove my fingers through his and let myself be in him.

He pulled me against his side and kissed my head.

“It’s okay. Be selfish. I’m strong; I can take it.”


	39. Inherently Requited

I sat on the edge of the forest with a box of crackers. They were disgusting but if I shoved something in my mouth while I was numb it would at least be better than if I had to consciously taste them. I recognized where I was as being incredibly reminiscent of the scene from my dream, close enough to the cliffs that I could run and jump from here.

I ate another cracker and cringed, already getting another from out of the box.

Jake had gone to his house to pack up a backpack of stuff he wanted to bring to our spot. I didn’t need anything, but I figured I’d humor him.

Nahuel’s face came to my mind and my heart did a nose dive.

I wondered if the crackers were going to fill me up enough to be worth eating.

Jacob probably called someone at the house, too, to let them know I hadn’t run away. There weren’t a lot of secrets in the house, which meant that they were all going to know about Nahuel by the time I got back. Good. I didn’t want to tell them.

“You didn’t go down without me.”

Jacob showed up next to me, pack in tow.

“Figured you’d want to have me in a line of vision to know I hadn’t run off.”

“You’ve never been a flight risk.”

“Nah,” I stood up. “But I like keeping you as worry free as possible.”

I walked over to a slope at the edge of the cliffside and stumbled down, finding the best way to get there was to fall gracefully and conveniently, tripping in the right places and getting hand holds in others.

Jacob was right behind me, stumbling into place, kicking rocks off of the edge.

“I’ve decided that I’m going to live here, now. Joham will never find me and Mom and Dad can visit on Saturdays and Sundays and every other Wednesday, if I’m feeling it.”

“Oh? Do I get to visit?”

“I’m not kicking you out; You live here, too.”

“Do I?”

“If you want to.”

This is how I always spoke with Jacob, but now I was questioning every word after it left my mouth.

Why was it that with Nahuel between us I felt no pressure to change my relationship with Jacob, but now that I couldn’t use him as an excuse to render everything platonic, I was so scared of giving Jacob the wrong impression?

I made myself comfortable in my spot. Jacob opened up his camping sized bag and threw two blankets at me.

“What’s this for?”

“It’s supposed to get cold tonight.”

We were too far apart. I didn’t have the guts to hold Jacob’s hand for longer than a second in the woods, still feeling guilty about my love and dependency issues. He made himself comfortable in his usual spot across from me.

“Is there non-disgusting food in there, too, by any chance?”

Jake reached in and threw me a pack of jerky.

“You’re a lifesaver.” I reached in and grabbed out a piece. It wasn’t blood, but it was better than crackers. I threw the bag back at Jake, who took a couple of pieces for himself before throwing it back to me.

I shouldn’t be with him now. I needed to put myself back together away from someone who was invested.

Jacob had been awfully quiet the whole way here and the two of us had walked slowly enough to not get to the cliffs until dusk. He was still quiet. I didn’t like the buzzing static of suppressing my own thoughts and getting nothing from him, either.

“We can talk about it.” I said. “I don’t care if you ask. I’d rather be talking, really or… communicating.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.”

The feeling in me was sour, something that had been sweet but was now twisted and cringing. I wanted to think of Nahuel. I didn’t want to think of Nahuel. Everything came in and out of my mind in clips of conversations, me pushing each out of my head before they could play.

I looked out over the ocean. The whole sky looked like a storm blowing in. Maybe coming here wasn’t the best choice; we’d have to huddle in farther in where the cliff covered part of the outcropping. I’d rather sit on the edge in the rain. Maybe I’d get over the compulsion by the time it started raining.

“May I hold your hand?” I asked.

Jacob looked at me quizzically.

“Why are you asking?”

I thought of the night in the cottage, how he had pulled away, and the morning before, at his house when he had blocked his thoughts from me. Communication was problematic between us now; there was no getting around it.

“I’m not feeling things right, right now.”

“There’s no ‘right’ way to feel things.”

He tilted his head and looked at me sideways for a moment before getting up to come sit next to me. He held one hand open in his lap. I held it between both of mine, my pale hands so cold, grasping his like it was the only warmth in the world.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

Gone was the nagging feeling that I had chosen wrong, that I had spit in destiny’s face. It sucked, and this was worse, but if I was fated to be with Jacob, I guess I got it. Or something.

He was surprised.

_Maybe Nahuel was right… maybe we weren’t right together._

Jacob’s thought was almost shaky coming back to me.

_Wh… Why is… that?_

I snuggled deeper into his shoulder, closing my eyes, listening to the waves break on the rocks so far below us.

_No. That thought… I won’t think that thought. It’s the worst._

_Worst?_ He asked.

_It was you or him. Now it’s not. I won’t pick you now. If I was going to then I would have picked you then. It’s no use wondering if he was still in the equation if I’d still be with him._

_Well, that’s dumb._ He thought back. 

_It’s not._

_It_ is _dumb. Are you saying you’ll never give me a chance because you dated some other guy first?_

I wanted to think that it was Jacob or Nahuel. It had just been Nahuel, though. I hoped it was going to be different when I woke up tomorrow. I didn’t want Nahuel to change his mind about me; I wanted him to have never had those thoughts at all.

I didn’t like the idea of talking about Jacob and myself like that when I was so close to him. So warm. It was too easy to love Jacob. I already had. But I wouldn’t be my mom. I wasn’t going to lead the situation like that. I wasn’t sure how much of me was just feeling vulnerable. 

_It’s not the same thing._ He fussed at me, thinking about eighteen year old Bella Swan.

It was the same, though. Except Mom had taken months to come to terms with losing Dad. She had fallen in love with Jacob gradually. I just felt free to love him, now. The way it might have been if Nahuel never came. And I couldn’t tell what a real feeling was. Hadn’t loving Nahuel been real?

How much of love was fate and how much was circumstance?

_Nessie, you’re forgetting a really huge factor in this._

_Mm._ I wrapped a blanket closer around me, letting him pull me closer with his free arm.

_This is not me trying to take advantage of the situation; I’m just stating the obvious, here. I imprinted on you. I don’t have a choice._

I let go of his hand abruptly, pushing the blanket off and standing up.

“Stop with that! It’s bad enough as it is!” I paced to the front of the cliff, the wind snaring itself in my hair, threatening to yank it, but only tousling it now.

“Tell me that you are appalled! Tell me that none of this happened because of fate! Tell me that not everything happens for a reason! If Nahuel hadn’t broken my heart, I’d still be with him. It’s true! Tell me that I’m not in my right mind and that I need to give it time!”

Because it was true. I needed him to talk me down from my irrational mind.

“Please, Jacob. I’m vulnerable. Don’t encourage me tonight.”

Jacob looked at me for a long moment.

“Yeah, but the problem is, I know you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I snapped.

“It means that I knew you were in love with me the whole time and that I fucked up by not telling you my true feelings to begin with. Repeatedly, you were begging me to tell you that it was like that, that I wanted more.  
“And, I’ll admit, Nahuel helped me come to terms with that. There’s a large possibility that if I hadn’t had to see you with him I’d still be denying to myself that you were a woman that could be loved the way a man loves a woman.  
“If it hadn’t been him, it was going to be me. It was always meant to be you and me at the end.”

I sighed.

“I picked him.”

“And your first thought when he breaks your heart is ‘Thank goodness I can love Jacob in peace’.”

“Okay, that’s not what I said. I love him.”

“And he doesn’t love you back."


	40. Instinctual Consequence

“I’m being harsh, but it’s only so that you’ll remember this. I’m not worried about coming in second place. I’m not worried about being a rebound. I don’t feel like less than him or that you chose him over me.

“He was a necessary appetizer and I don’t like that you got your heart broken along the way, but you’re not hurting me by acknowledging that I’m the endgame. It doesn’t bother me that you don’t need a huge chunk of time to come to that conclusion.”

“That’s…” It was cold. “No, I…”

“If he came back here right now and apologized, would you take him back?”

I had to think about it longer than I wanted to.

Every moment that I had with Nahuel was… more than I expected to experience in my life. The way his eyes captivated me, the way his voice soothed me, the passion in his embrace when he kissed me, every word of validation and comfort… I loved him.

But… if he didn’t love me, I could accept that. It was horrible and I hated it and I felt like I was being stomped on… but for some reason him breaking my heart seemed like that’s how it was going to go. I remember thinking how _much_ he was and that was most of what I loved about him. I didn’t get what he saw in me. I expected this, and maybe it would hurt worse if I didn’t.

It kept feeling wrong, as if the world… as if _fate_ had wanted me to be with Jacob. And I was just fighting it.

So, sure, now everything was validated so of course I was ready to jump on the fate wagon and think I was right all along. It was crap, though. It hurt. I didn’t want to be right.

I kind of liked what Nahuel was. I thought we fit together well. 

There was a question I didn’t want to put together, though, and it was very simple: If I had to lose the love of Nahuel or Jacob, which would it be? Not which one would I end up with, no. If I knew I could keep both of them in my life but one wouldn’t have that kind of intimate bond with me… 

The problem was, I’d give a lot to keep Nahuel, but I’d give so much more not to lose Jacob.

The problem had been that Jacob was going to love me anyway; I wasn’t going to lose that love. I kept feeling like I needed to act on that fact that he loved me. In fact, I should have been acting of what it would be like if he didn’t.

If Jacob ever looked at me with passive eyes, a part of me would die. Jacob was so integral to my being. Things had just… escalated differently.

“If Nahuel came, wanting me back, I wouldn’t hesitate to be with him.”

“Ness, come on…”

“Love isn’t conditional…”

“Love is completely conditional. It has to be the right time, the right place, the right person, the right situation…”

“And you know this from personal experience?”

“I do, actually.” He was standing, though I couldn’t remember at what point in the conversation he had stood up. His face was urgent. 

“I’ve been in love with someone who didn’t love me back, who would have left me for someone else if he came back, but I never thought that Bella wouldn’t love me if Edward hadn’t left. She wouldn’t have fallen in love with me if a lot of things hadn’t happened; not only if he didn’t leave, but if she never thought to come see me with those bikes, if I hadn’t recognized her at the beach…”

Any sentiment I had felt for Jacob washed away in that moment.

“Even if there was no Nahuel, do you think I could be compelled to be with someone who was in love with my mom?”

“This is a very specific set of circumstances. It’s not the same as-”

“No, it’s worse, because it was only two seconds being out of love with her corpse that you imprinted on me.”

What had I been thinking? How, in my grief, could I have thought to trade in Nahuel for Jacob, thinking of reasons not to love Nahuel and trying to act on sentiments I knew were only instinct. I wasn’t going to pander to this imprint. 

Jacob didn’t like where this conversation was going.

“Would I think of Bella Swan every time I kissed you?” I used my mom’s name, that human who had fallen in love with a vampire and a shapeshifter.

I shook my head, turning to face the ocean. I was so close to losing myself with him. It would have been easy. It would have been easy to do things wrong because they felt so right.

“Stop.” He closed the distance fast, turning me to face him, holding each of my hands in each of his. The wind picked itself through me hair.

“Stop, for just a moment and forget right and wrong and should and shouldn’t and think that if there was no Nahuel and I had no past with Bella, if it was just you and me, how would it be?” He let me think for a second. “Because it is just you and me, now. They made their choices, but just because we didn’t make those choices for them doesn’t mean that realizing we’re meant for each other instead is reaching for second place.

“The world just put us in our place before we could realize that we were meant to be here.”

I was holding on. I needed to hold on to Nahuel. I needed to remember every fine detail. I wasn’t fickle. I wasn’t going to hop from Nahuel’s arms to Jacobs the moment that Nahuel dropped me. Jacob wasn’t a safety net.

I was being vulnerable, but Jacob wasn’t taking advantage of my vulnerability; I was trying very hard not to take advantage of his. How would it look to take advantage of wanting him?

Nothing had changed. Nothing had ever changed between us but circumstances, waiting to give us an opening to take advantage of each other.

“Don’t factor in things that aren’t factors.”

I had almost forgotten that Jacob was holding my hands, numb as I was. Now, though, they felt like gravity. The wind tugged at my clothes.

I shook my head.

Nahuel still existed. I still kissed him. I still loved him.

I looked to the side, avoiding Jacob’s gaze, shaking my head.

“You’re just trying to get what you want.” 

“No, I’m trying to let you have what you want. If I was trying to get what I wanted, if I let myself want you on my terms, then the last time we were here would have ended very differently.”

I looked back at Jacob.

“You said… you didn’t know until Nahuel…”

“I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I’ve wanted you longer than I’ve let myself admit. If I hadn’t been thinking of you and had, instead, acted on instinct… that would have been your first kiss.

“I was holding myself back because I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice.”

It shouldn’t change anything.

I should sleep on it.

It broke my heart to think that Jacob might be right, even a little. I thought of the electricity between Nahuel and myself. How could we have not been meant to be? If Nahuel was my Edward, then he’d come back. Everything he had said was true, though. Was I suddenly going to get older? Or not have a bond with Jacob? If he could ignore the chemistry that we had, maybe it had only been on my end.

What was the difference between platonic love and romantic love? Was that it, chemistry? Or was there more? What if my gift meant that physical interactions were always going to be that intense?

Why was I thinking of Nahuel the same way, though? It wasn’t going to be like that again. There are so many parts of a relationship that has to be mutual, first and foremost, the relationship.

“None of that matters.” Jacob’s voice was soft. I tried to look at him, finding difficulty in thinking and acknowledging him at the same time. “If it isn’t going to be him, it should be me. 

“Why are you trying to remind yourself how to love him when you should be trying to talk yourself out of loving him?”

Jacob wasn’t being antagonistic, just curious.

"I’m not going to stop loving him, even if he doesn’t love me. I’m not letting go."

"Or," Jacob suggested, "You could not. That sounds painful. Letting go isn’t as selfish as it seems. Let me guess, you’re thinking that if you forget your love for him so quickly, that you’re doing him an injustice and being untruthful with yourself...

“...But that’s not how it works. Letting go is just a way of telling the past that it doesn’t have a place in your life anymore. If part of your past already doesn’t have a place in your life, the amount of time that you hold on is irrelevant.

“You’re half monster. Your brain doesn’t work the same. You’re not doing a disservice to anyone by embracing your instincts.”

For some reason, that was the first thing he had said that made sense. I was half vampire. The way vampires found mates was different than humans. If I had been wrong about Nahuel, then of course my vampire mind would have known this would happen. I had instincts. Part of me was more animal than human. 

“Yes, I know I’m right. Thank you for noticing.” he responded to my thoughts.

“I don’t pat you on the head every time you say something wise because you do it too often.” I reached up as high as I could to ruffle his hair.

“You know that’s because of you.”

“Pft, funny.”

“I’m serious. I was a real idiot about a lot of stuff seven years ago. Immature… but I’ve grown and matured a lot. I had to if I wanted to keep up with you.”

“You can’t keep up with me.”

“I gave it my best shot.”


End file.
